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| Avery's
Campaign Journal As I mentioned yesterday, there’s a 31-page memorandum outlining the rules for tonight’s debate that couldn’t have been penned by anyone other than a mob of lawyers. And like I said: If Bush and Kerry play by this set of commandments the debates are going to be a crashing bore. That’s right Democats and Republikittens, us viewers won’t be seeing catfights and hissy fits, but regurgitated stump speeches. (Speaking of regurgitated, didn’t I say all this yesterday?) That’s how it works with the government. They tell you they’re going to serve up chocolate cake and then give you a flu shot...In the ass! Let’s call it the “politics of television” and acknowledge that these guys aren’t nearly as watchable as any of those sexy, greedy and duplicitous dolts from Reality TV. So here are a few more of the rules that are guaranteed to turn the debate into a snore-a-thon that will leave bored viewers scratching themselves and asking, “Hey, I wonder what’s on The Golf Channel?” Each candidate may move about in a pre-designated area… and may not leave that area while the debate is underway. IF they do move about in the pre-designated area, then hopefully they’ll at least have the courtesy to signal. Each candidate will receive 3 minutes time to discuss who has the better mom. Word is that Kerry had originally planned to bring Bush’s mom up on stage and have a team of sock puppets and scientists dissect her to prove that she is filled with (everyone’s new favorite word) evil. But because no props are allowed, Kerry will have to resort to the time honored tradition of repeatedly saying, “my mom is better than your mom” while sitting on George’s chest and pulling his nose. Candidates’ stools should be approved by candidate’s representatives. Huh? What does fecal matter from a bowel movement have to do with politics? (Oh, right…) But why on earth are these guy’s representatives examining them? The podiums shall measure fifty (50) inches from the stage floor to the outside top of the podium facing the audience and shall measure forty-eight (48) inches from the stage floor to the top of the inside podium writing surface...No candidate shall be permitted to use risers or any other device to create an impression of elevated height. Also, the podiums will no longer be called podiums (a term that is biased and cruel) but instead be called “Elevated Platforms For Public Speakers.” The speakers will no longer be allowed to bang their fists on them, kick them, or place their glasses of water on them, or any other acts of hostility toward the Elevated Platforms for Public Speakers. (Herein known as “EPPS.”) Each candidate must promote at least 3 commercial products. That’s right! No pee breaks for these guys. So instead of breaking to commercials, our political shills will pick up a product and pitch it to us. Hey, if George can sell most Americans the war, he should have no trouble peddling feminine hygiene products and dog food. Sept 29 / 2004 |
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