Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In the USA

Oct 9 / 2004

Here's an abbreviated version of the transcripts of the October 8 th Town Hall debate - with a twist! Instead of reading the candidates actual answers, my good pal and psychic mind reader, Madame Zizi has provided me with notes on what the men actually thought as opposed to said .

Enjoy!

1. The first question is for Senator Kerry, and it will come from Cheryl Otis, who is right behind me.

CHERYL OTIS:  Senator Kerry, after talking with several co-workers and family and friends, I asked the ones who said they were not voting for you, "Why?" They said that you were too wishy-washy.

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: Oh Christ, here we go again with the "wishy-washy" just once I'd like to say "Oh F*&%k Off!" Ha! Bet that wouldn't sound so wishy-washy... Okay, calm down, smile... and answer...

2. The question is for President Bush, and the questioner is Robin Dahle.

ROBIN DAHLE:  Mr. President, yesterday in a statement you admitted that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction, but justified the invasion by stating, I quote, "He retained the knowledge, the materials, the means and the intent to produce weapons of mass destruction and could have passed this knowledge to our terrorist enemies."

Do you sincerely believe this to be a reasonable justification for invasion when this statement applies to so many other countries, including North Korea?

BUSH"S THOUGHTS: Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener... Huh? What? Have we started? Oh, s*&t! I think I heard something about North Korea... Um, okay, don't panic, just say the words "steadfast," "strong," "resolute," and "evil" as much as you can... Okay, it was Robin, right? Good! Now open your mouth and speak: It's show time, baby!

3. And I'm going to turn to Anthony Baldi with a question for Senator Kerry.

ANTHONY BALDI:  Senator Kerry, the U.S. is preparing a new Iraq government and will proceed to withdraw U.S. troops. Would you proceed with the same plans as President Bush?

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: That's interesting, his name is Baldy, but he has lots of hair. Of course his hair isn't as great as mine - no one's is! Except maybe John Edwards: But once we've won, I can have him eliminated. Or shaved. Or both. 

4. The next question is for President Bush, and it comes from Nikki Washington.

NIKKI WASHINGTON: Mr. President, my mother and sister traveled abroad this summer, and when they got back they talked to us about how shocked they were at the intensity of aggravation that other countries had with how we handled the Iraq situation.

BUSH'S THOUGHTS: Oh Christ! Who cares what they those Frogs and Nazi's think about us - and by us, I mean me. I wonder how it would go over if I just started chanting, "USA! USA! USA!" Hmmm... Probably not all that great... Okay, time to pretend to look like I care...

5. The next question is for Senator Kerry, and it comes from over here, from Randee Jacobs.

RANDEE JACOBS: Iran sponsors terrorism and has missiles capable of hitting Israel and southern Europe.  Iran will have nuclear weapons in two to three years time. In the event that U.N. sanctions don't stop this threat, what will you do as president?

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: Me, as president... Oh baby, that will be so sweet!

6. We're going to move on, Mr. President, with a question for you.  And it comes from Daniel Farley.

DANIEL FARLEY:  Mr. President, since we continue to police the world, how do you intend to maintain our military presence without reinstituting a draft?

BUSH'S THOUGHTS: Damn! How did they find out? It's probably that Internets... But don't call it the Internets out loud: It'll make ya look like a bumpkin. Okay, deny, deny, deny. Now open your mouth and say good words... (he does) I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft... (his thoughts) Oh crap!

7. The next question, Senator Kerry, is for you, and it comes from Ann Bronsing, who I believe is over in this area.

ANN BRONSING:  Senator Kerry, we have been fortunate that there have been no further terrorist attacks on American soil since 9/11.  Why do you think this is?

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: Oh my God, I just farted! Oh no, and it's a real noxious one. Okay, how can I pin this on George? Think, John, think!

8. The question is for President Bush and it's from John Horstman.

JOHN HORSTMAN:  Mr. President, why did you block the reimportation of safer and inexpensive drugs from Canada which would have cut 40 to 60 percent off of the cost?

BUSH'S THOUGHTS: Whoa! What's that stink? Ha! Did Kerry just fart? What do you know, he is human after all! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

9. The next question is for Senator Kerry.  And this comes from Norma-Jean Laurent.

NORMA-JEAN LAURENT:  Senator Kerry, you've stated your concern for the rising cost of health care, yet you chose a vice presidential candidate who has made millions of dollars successfully suing medical professionals.  How do you reconcile this with the voters?

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: Hmmm, good question. Let's see... Oh I know, I'll tell that her both Edward's and I are lawyers. After all, everyone loves lawyers! As opposed to Raymond: God but that show is a piece of crap.

10. The next question is for President Bush, and it comes from Matthew O'Brien.

MATTHEW O'BRIEN:  Mr. President, you have enjoyed a Republican majority in the House and Senate for most of your presidency.  In that time, you've not vetoed a single spending bill.  Excluding $120 billion spent in Iran and-I'm sorry, Iraq and Afghanistan, there has been $700 billion spent and not paid for by taxes.

BUSH'S THOUGHTS: Hoo-boy, that's a long question. I'm getting sleepy. This debate is boring. I wish I had a line and a drink.

11. Senator Kerry, the next question will be for you, and it comes from James Varner, who I believe is in this section.

JAMES VARNER: Senator Kerry, would you be willing to look directly into the camera and, using simple and unequivocal language, give the American people your solemn pledge not to sign any legislation that will increase the tax burden on families earning less than $200,000 a year during your first term?

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: Okay, look directly into the camera... and lie!

12. Mr. President, the next question is for you, and it comes from James Hubb over here.

JAMES HUBB:  Mr. President, how would you rate yourself as an environmentalist?  What specifically has your administration done to improve the condition of our nation's air and water supply?

BUSH'S THOUGHTS: "Mr. President the environment, boo hoo." What a totally gay question. I wish a chick would ask me something. Then I could wink at her and then whip it out. No, whipping it out on TV probably wouldn't be appropriate. I'll just wink.

13. And for the question, we're going to turn to Jane Barrow.

JANE BARROW:  Senator Kerry, how can the U.S. be competitive in manufacturing given the wage necessary and comfortably accepted for American workers to maintain the standard of living that they expect?

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: Look like you care, Kerry.  Look like you care.... Oh baby, I am so winning this debate!

14. President Bush, the next question is for you, and it comes from Rob Fowler, who I believe is over in this area.

ROB FOWLER:  President Bush, 45 days after 9/11, Congress passed the Patriot Act, which takes away checks on law enforcement and weakens American citizens' rights and freedoms, especially Fourth Amendment rights. With expansions to the Patriot Act and Patriot Act II, my question to you is, why are my rights being watered down and my citizens' around me?  And what are the specific justifications for these reforms?

BUSH'S THOUGHTS: Another guy again? I can't wink at him! It would look so... Ha! It would be kind of funny though... Boy, I may not be doing well but I am getting some laughs. That crack I said about me owning a timber company, and "wanna buy some wood?" Classic Bush! S*&t, I should have used the word Bush with timber. I wonder if there's still time?

15. Senator Kerry, the next question is for you, and it comes from Elizabeth Long.

ELIZABETH LONG:  Senator Kerry, thousands of people have already been cured or treated by the use of adult stem cells or umbilical cord stem cells.  However, no one has been cured by using embryonic stem cells.

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: Okay, now I can tell them that I know Michael J. Fox and Christopher Reeve. Americans love celebrities and I know lots of 'em. Whereas all George has is Alice Cooper - and there's no way he's going to mention him: Advantage - Kerry!

16. Mr. President, the next question is for you, and it comes from Jonathan Michaelson, over here.

JONATHAN MICHAELSON:  Mr. President, if there were a vacancy in the Supreme Court and you had the opportunity to fill that position today, who would you choose and why?

BUSH'S THOUGHTS: Another guy! S*&t! Good question though. And here's me without an answer. Let's see what will get a laugh? (he speaks) I'm not telling. (LAUGHTER) (his thoughts) Oh yeah, I'm a funny president!!!!  

17. Going to go to the final two questions now, and the first one will be for Senator Kerry.  And this comes from Sarah Degenhart.

SARAH DEGENHART:  Senator Kerry, suppose you are speaking with a voter who believed abortion is murder and the voter asked for reassurance that his or her tax dollars would not go to support abortion, what would you say to that person?

KERRY'S THOUGHTS: Oh crap... Well, I definitely won’t be getting a Christmas Card from the Pope this year.    

18. And the final question of the evening will be addressed to President Bush and it will come from Linda Grabel. 

LINDA GRABEL:  President Bush, during the last four years, you have made thousands of decisions that have affected millions of lives. Please give three instances in which you came to realize you had made a wrong decision, and what you did to correct it.  Thank you.

The Campaign In the USA

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