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Campaign In the USA
Oct 28 / 2004
My pals over at MSNBC have jotted down what they think are the “10 Keys to the Presidential Election.”
I’ve thoroughly read them, analyzed the hell out of them, studied them backward while dancing with Uma Thurman, and have decided that they are total crap.
Okay, I’m kidding. I’ve never gone dancing with Ms. Thurman.
Like most every news jockey and talking puppet has already said: “this one’s too close to call,” but here’s what I figure could be some determining factors as to who becomes president:
Avery Ant’s Seven Zippy Points to who wins the Big Job:
1) Public opinion polls and how they are reported
Personally, I have little regard for polls. And if Canadian political polling is anything to go by (and let’s be honest, it isn’t) then brother, don’t believe a word those buffoons say! The Canuck pollsters would have had the back-bacon eating hosers believing that George Bush’s lapdog, Steven Harper, was to be president, err, pardon me, Prime Minister, of Canada. But last time I checked, he was flipping burgers at McDonalds. This all leads me to believe that the next president of The United States of America will be... A Wood Nymph.
2) Events in Iraq
Thanks to George and Donald, Iraq now has those weapons of mass destruction. Now all they have to do is try and find them – again!
3) Those who are historically most likely to vote
Will. And those who aren’t – won’t. It’s really that simple.
4) Those least likely to vote
Won’t. And those most likely to – will. Didn’t we run through this already?
5) Hangovers and Sugar Crashes
Halloween will only be but a few days old but we’ll all have partied heavily. In fact, many of us will still be wearing our costumes on November 2 (Those jocks that dress up like ladies are particularly reluctant to take of their lipstick and rouge). Plus we’ll all have ingested so much candy on top of it that we’ll be feeling a little queasy in the stomach and will be reluctant to stray to far from the security of our toilet seats.
6) The Avery Ant Factor
Yes, that’s right. Me! Now there are some who say Nader might be more of a concern, but that’s really laughable. Then again, like Ralphie boy, I tend to be terribly misguided and deluded...
7) The Weather
MSNBC says it could be a factor and I agree: If it’s a crappy day, who wants to go out and vote? If it’s a beautiful day, who wants to go inside to some rank polling precinct and vote?
Oct 27 / 2004
Oct 26 / 2004
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Oct 24 / 2004
Oct 23 / 2004
Oct 22 / 2004
Oct 21 / 2004
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