Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In the USA

Oct 13 / 2004

Looking to find out what the candidates were actually thinking during the Town Hall debate? Click here: October 8

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Hey gang,

According to the literature “ Debates can be one of the most influential sources of information to voters during a campaign. The Commission on Presidential Debates offers this guide to help viewers understand commonly used debate formats, questioning techniques, and guidelines for viewing a debate.”

Well, I read the guide that the good folks at The Commission of Presidential Debates put together, and quite frankly, I found it to be a little dry. So here, for your reading pleasure is a spicier version: My 13 Fun Points for October 13 th...

• Focus your attention on a George’s beady eyes and John’s massive chin. Then try and imagine what it would look like if the two features were combined into one man. We’d have a beady eyed, massive chinned, flip-flopping, Republican/Democrat who would be unable to admit that he couldn’t make a wrong decision. Once you’ve really got this image in your head, run to the fridge and get beer – lots of it!
• Know what it is you want in an office holder, then watch and listen and accept the fact that these guys will say anything. If what you’re looking for is a liar or a guy who will say anything, then you’re done. (I suggest chopping over to the Cartoon Network.) And on November 3: Vote for both!
• Set aside your partisan views. Clear your mind off all conscience thought and clutter. Turn off the vacuum cleaner. Let the dog out. Have sex with a loved one. Put on some romantic music and use the debates as background noise – this guarantees you will finally get something out of them.
• Turn the debates into a drinking game! Slug down the booze every time Bush says “911,” “steadfast,” and “zippy.” And don’t forget Kerry’s “dropped the ball,” and “Orwellian.” Plan to get very drunk!
• Pay close attention to the candidates’ body language. George tends to hunch whereas John tends to stand rather rigidly. Blame their moms. Just have fun!
• Listen carefully to what the candidates mutter under their breath. Did John just call George a “Right-wing s*&t head?” Did George call John a “motherf&%$king liberal?” Use your hands to push your ears forward; it will help increase your hearing!
• Identify the candidate's debate strategy. Does the candidate speak directly to the issues, provide specifics, and present new policies or information? Or does the candidate evasively interpret questions to suit his agenda? Once you’ve got all that figured out, the debate should be over and the spin-doctors will be reinterpreting your thoughts. Smoke a joint to alleviate all the confusion.
• Identify the images which candidates try to create for themselves. Most candidates try to portray themselves as leaders and identify themselves with cherished American values while suggesting that their opponents lack these qualities. Ask yourself: Why is George wearing a pin with the Confederate Flag on it? Why did John bring his shotgun with him?
• Be aware of the technical limitations of televised debates. Television works by showing action. To create action and minimize monotony, directors sometimes include "reaction shots" to show one candidate's response to an opponent's statement. This can distract your attention from what is being said. It is wise to remember the role of action shots when watching the debates. *Avery’s note: I have suggested to the networks that the debates include car chase sequences but so far those TV honchos have ignored my request.
• Consider the questions asked by the panelists. The essence of debate is comparison and contrast. Then, for fun, try and turn them into rhetorical questions that would be impossible for the candidates to answer, such as: “President Bush, do you still like to mix your call-girls with your cocaine?” Sure it’s juvenile, but after watching 3 of these things, we’re all feeling a little punchy, aren’t we?
• Don't watch a debate to determine a winner or loser. Watch it because there aren’t any commercials. Let’s be honest, how often do you get 90 minutes of TV without having to watch some jerk of an actor tell you about his hemorrhoids? Revel in this.
• Focus on the question, "Who would make a better president, senator, governor, legislator, county clerk?” Then focus on your living room furniture. Do you need a new couch? Isn’t that lamp looking a bit ratty? Which question is ultimately more important to you? (Be honest, it’s the furniture, isn’t it?)
• The following suggestions will help you focus during the debate:
  a) Use toothpicks to keep your eyes propped open – it works in the cartoons.
  b) Shove a bucket of ice cubes down your pants.
  c) Inject amphetamines and snort coke: Hey if the President can, then why not you?
  d) Don’t bother: they’re just going to regurgitate their stump speeches and say the same old things over and over again. In the TV world it’s known as “A Repeat.”
  
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