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| Avery's
Campaign Journal Congratulations America. You made it. The big day is here. Now you can vote, sit back and wait for 36 fun-filled days while the lawyers tell you who “really” won... Good times ahead... “I said I wanted Osama dead or alive. Well, he’s alive. Mission Accomplished!” a desperate sounding George Bush told a weary, election fatigued crowd yesterday. A dizzying final dash across the Midwest and points south capped a bitter campaign that found the contenders, President Shrub and Sen. Yawn Kerry, deadlocked at every vital turn and stirred expectations that bitter Americans, for once, were highly motivated to stick it to the men and vote because, frankly, the public is one pissed off group of malcontents. And if the voters are getting annoyed and testy then the tired and cranky politicians are even worse. “In case you morons didn’t know – today is decision day,” Kerry told grouchy and moronic supporters at an airport hangar in Toledo, Ohio, early Tuesday morning. “You boobs now have an opportunity to make fundamental changes in America, and the hopes of our country are on the line. Don’t screw it up!” Bush, also fearing people will forget today is the day, personally sent out an e-mail exhorting people to vote — “It comes down to today – don’t make me wait another 36 days. That was hell and pissed me off. Vote for me or I’ll come over to your house and spit on your kids.” Kerry e-mailed a similar call to arms on Monday: “When you buffoons go to the polls bring your friends, if you have any!” By all signs, voters were engaged and enraged. Long lines were reported at precincts from Florida and North Carolina to West Virginia and Michigan, some starting well before polls opened. “The line to vote? Shit, man! I thought this was the line to get Eminem tickets!” said many. “In all honesty – and this honesty bit is a one time deal – I don’t think it’s possible to predict what’s going to happen,” Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards said, “at least that’s what my psychic told me, and she’s more credible than anyone I’ve ever known in politics.” The prospect of unprecedented legal challenges hung over Election Day, each side sending thousands of gleeful and money-grubbing lawyers into motion to monitor the flood of newly registered voters and mount hair-trigger challenges against any sign of irregularity. “This election is a gold mine and I’m hoping it will keep my busy for the next four years. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sue someone, I don’t know who, but someone. I’m frying for some litigation, man!” said all the lawyers. After 19 hours of campaigning in critical Midwestern battleground states, Bush returned to Texas with heavily sedated first lady Laura Bush to their Crawford ranch. They were to return to the White House on Tuesday to watch election results and toss whiskey bottles at the television screen. Kerry was flying home to Boston, where he was to vote, and then spend the rest of the day trying to revive any ailing hamsters on the streets of Beantown and get them off to the polls.Nov 1 / 2004 |
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