Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In the USA

June 16/2004

My buddy John Kerry is laughing (or a reasonable facsimile of laughing) all the way to the bank. Yup, my personality challenged pal raised a Democratic record $100 million from March through May, lifting his presidential campaign to more than $140 million so far. When I asked him how he was planning on spending his newfound fortune, he showed me a rather detailed list of expenses. Some of his purchases included:

$150.00: on three new suits
$10,000.00: on a comic sidekick who will laugh at his jokes, call him, "Sheckey," convince others that "John's a real personality," and throw pies in the faces of those who would heckle him
$3,500.00: on industrial hair gel products
$225,000.00: to various Washington gossips to start spreading the word that he's an illegitimate Kennedy and/or a marsupial
$90,000 big ones: to sleazy Hollywood producers for a walk-on role in When Domestic Pets & Policies Attack
$25,000,000: on the war… or maybe not… or maybe… then again, maybe not, but… maybe…
$3,000,000 on: investing in a Canadian hockey team, because Mr. Kerry honestly believes that "hockey is the new football!"

Tomorrow: More shocking revelations on what John Kerry plans to do with his new found wealth. You wouldn't think socks would make a dent in a 140 million dollar surplus - but you'd be wrong!

June 15/2004
June 14/2004
June 13/2004
June 12/2004
June 11/2004
June 10/2004
June 9/2004
USA Archives

The Campaign In the USA

The Campaign In Canada