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| Avery's
Campaign Journal Hey Kids. Word is that John Kerry really put John Edwards through the ringer before he actually made him his running mate. (Let’s not forget that these two excellent hairdos ran against each other for the presidential job and that Mr. Edwards said that Mr. Kerry was a Washington insider who would drive the United States “deeper and deeper” into deficit. And good news! I’ve got a transcript of the whole shebang and how their meeting really went down. And because I’m such a swell egg, and all you Republi-cats and Demo-kittens are so great to me, I’m willing to share. Oh, and a Special Thanks to all the swell folks from Round Hill, Virginia, for making me a Volunteer Firefighter! It’s an honor (although the Fire Ants are rather upset with me). INT. OFFICE -- DAY JOHN EDWARDS enters JOHN KERRY’S office. JOHN KERRY:Ah John, glad you could make it up here so fast. I have a question for you. How would you like to have a Secret Service escort, all the perks you can eat, and, oh, be my Vice President? JOHN EDWARDS:Like it? I'd love it! JOHN KERRY:Well you'll never get it here. Pack up and get out. I can’t stand the sight of you, ya drawling hillbilly. JOHN EDWARDS:But, I thought you called me in to… What did I do? JOHN KERRY:Nothing. I just felt like practicing exercising my power in a completely arbitrary manner and you were the first person I thought of. Now get the Hell out of here. JOHN EDWARDS:But ya all can't just offer me the job of Veep on a whim and then take it away. JOHN KERRY:You know, you're right. Okay, you can be Vice President. JOHN EDWARDS:Thank you. JOHN KERRY:You're welcome...but before you leave, tell me...tell me you'd eat grass if I made you Vice President. Better yet, go outside and eat some grass. I can watch you from my window. JOHN EDWARDS:Mr. Kerry, I still have my pride. JOHN KERRY:Really? I'll tell you what. I'll give you five thousand dollars for it. Better yet, I'll give you five thousand dollars and make you Vice President, if you eat grass and wear your underwear on your head all afternoon. JOHN EDWARDS:Go to Hell. JOHN KERRY:Then you're not Vice President again...No, no, you are... No, you're not... Yes, yes you are. JOHN EDWARDS:Let me make this easy for you. I don’t want to be Vice President! JOHN KERRY:Yeah, right! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! John Edwards begins to walk out of the room. JOHN KERRY: (Con’t) Wait...come back. How about this? You leave my office right now and go back to work as a Senator and I'll ask nothing of you. We'll just forget this ever happened. JOHN EDWARDS:Fine. JOHN KERRY:And all I ask is that you do a funny dance for me while clucking like a chicken. JOHN EDWARDS:Goodbye and good riddance. JOHN KERRY:Wait. I was just kidding. You can go back to being a Senator. JOHN EDWARDS:Well of course I can. You have no control over that. JOHN KERRY:You're right, and I apologize. Tell you what, I'm going to make you Secretary of Defense. I’ll take care of you. JOHN EDWARDS:Okay... JOHN KERRY:I'll make you Secretary of Defense provided I can call you a piece of crap and slap you on the forehead. JOHN EDWARDS:That's it! I quit! I wouldn't work for you if you were the only President on the planet. JOHN KERRY:Not even if I let you ride in Air Force One? JOHN EDWARDS:Screw your plane. JOHN KERRY:You know John, you're the only person who's ever stood up to me like this and I'd like to say thank you. JOHN EDWARDS:I don't believe you. You're not going to suck me in again. I have my pride. JOHN KERRY:I know that John, and I'm not going to try and convince you to stay, all I ask is that you listen to one proposal. You can walk out of here without anything but your pride or you can walk out of here as Secretary of State... in a dress... In a dress and singing “I'm in the Mood for Love.” JOHN EDWARDS:Goodbye. JOHN KERRY:Wait, John. I'm writing you a check for two hundred, no half a million, and all you have to do is swallow your pride, get down on your hands and knees and tell me I'm a God to you and that if you were a woman you'd want me. Then beg to be Vice President, and I mean grovel. Tears, John, I want tears. Do that and this check AND the VP job are both yours. JOHN EDWARDS:All right... Sir, you are a God to me... JOHN KERRY:I've changed my mind. Now get the Hell out of here. John Edwards storms out of the office. John Kerry chuckles and presses his office intercom buzzer. SECRETARY (OS) Yes, Mr. Kerry. JOHN KERRY:Yeah, Daisy, call Mr. Edwards and tell him that I’ve decided that he’s going be my running mate whether he likes it or not. SECRETARY (OS) Yes sir, Mr. Kerry JOHN KERRY:Thanks. Oh, and see if you can get him to cluck like a chicken. July 8 / 2004 |
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