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Campaign Journal Word is out that last week Laura Bush taped a long interview with Dr. Phil, that annoying, know-it-all psychobabbler who was made famous by Princess Oprah Winfrey. Now by tradition, George (Anheuser) Bush is notoriously weary of all that “touchy feely, couch stuff” as he puts it. But with Dr. Phil, the topics will be limited to parenting, cocaine and alcohol abuse. It will also feature a special guest appearance from Jerry Springer who apparently brought along his own chair to fling at Laura and Phil. White House advisers are thrilled because they feel this interview will generate very high numbers, especially among women. The interview will air in September. But why wait? Here’s a tasty excerpt. Dr. Phil meets LauraDr. Phil: Your husband is an ex-coke head and boozehound. Your daughters are spoiled brats and lushes. Is this your fault? Laura Bush: I, uh, well, uh... Dr. Phil: Your refusal to answer only incriminates you further. Have you ever played “Blame and Shame”? Laura: What? Dr. Phil: We’ll get back to that. Now, there are some who would say your husband is a murderer. Rumor is that you let your daughters get away with murder. Is this true? And who have your daughters murdered? Laura: Well, um, no one to my knowledge, I, I, uhh... Dr. Phil: To your knowledge, hmm? We’ll delve into that subject later. As a co-dependent enabler, how do you sleep at nights? Laura: Well, George and I live by the “Early to bed, early to rise...” Dr. Phil: Don’t you mean, “Pass Out”? Laura: I’m sorry? Dr. Phil: You sure are, but excuses won’t stop the abuse, Laura. You need to implement action. I think America could accept a president running the country from a detox center. I think this war of his is a cry for help. We need to get him into rehab and right away. Laura: But George hasn’t had a drink in... Phil: What about you, studio audience? Don’t you agree? Much hooting and whooping from the studio audience. Laura: Look, you said we were going to talk about the impotence, I mean, importance of family! Phil: Ooooh! Talk about a Freudian slip! Impotence, huh? Is that because you feel powerless, Laura? Or is George’s penile propensity in the powder room not all it could be? He’s under a lot of pressure, and all that alcohol he’s guzzling is a major cause of droopy dink. Laura: Look, let’s stay on the subject of family, okay? Dr. Phil: I’m free-associating; thinking without banisters, it’s what we shrinks do. Laura: Well, it’s very annoying. Dr. Phil: I’m sensing some hostility here, Laura. Do you sometimes wish you could act as badly and in the immature fashion of your daughters? Would you like to stick your tongue out at me? You can. This is a safe place. Laura: Oh for God’s sake... Dr. Phil: Laura, earlier we were talking about your innate desire to return to the womb. Laura: No we weren’t! Dr Phil: Weren’t we Laura? Now, the desire to return to... Jerry Springer enters waving his chair about madly. Superimposed on camera: “I Wanted to Interview Laura.” Dr. Phil: Oh dear lord – it’s Springer. And he’s off his meds!!! Jerry: Naggah! Nah! Bleck! Snort! Raggahh! Springer begins to beat Dr. Phil senseless. Laura Bush looks very pleased. Laura: Yeah! Yeah! Kill him! Pound the snot out of him! Go Jerry! Go Jerry! Fade Out into Commercial:
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