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Avery's
Campaign Journal
The Campaign In Canada
June 11/2004
Someone must have switched the button on the small
of Hair Steve's back to Maximum Power. The robotic leader-in-the-wings
is now prophesizing a Conservative majority. We went out to celebrate
at a local McDonalds (I had a Big Mac and Harpo had the McNuggets). Anyway,
as he was telling me how he would crush me like a bug once he was running
the show, the French fry machine timer went off to let everyone within
a 200 foot vicinity of the fryer know they were done to a crispy, golden
brown. I guess the frequency of the machine's sound waves must have interfered
with robotic Steve's brain-box batteries, because he started to twitch
and smoke. Anyway, after the fry machine stopped beeping, Steve settled
down and got back to "normal." But while he had been doing the
"robotic twitch," a file-sized computer index card emerged from
the back of his head and fell to the floor. I discreetly picked it up
and looked it over later. Here are the contents:
ROBOTIC X12 HARPO BRAIN COMMANDS: Avoid Social Issues. Remember to use
cyber kinetic facial muscles in order to smile. Do not eat small domestic
animals in public. Update Reminder: Hire token female to staff - no matter
what. Run diagnostic on "Eye Blinking" function. Scan and delete
all potentially controversial thoughts - for now. Should uncensored and
potentially hazardous comments be emitted, retreat to pod in airplane
for recharging and new data commands. Keep Reform Party files active and
ready to function.
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I've seen some previews of the new Liberal ads and I gotta say my pal
Paul is really hitting below the belt. His personal attacks against me,
I must admit, stung. I mean, I know the guy's desperate and ready to sling
mud, but, come on, I made those art films a long time ago. Okay, "it's
not an excuse to say I was younger and that I was passing through a brief
(and stupid) phase. But it does partly help to show where I was coming
from…"
Anyway, after watching the one which depicts scenes from "Ant Monsters
From Outer Space" and then states that I, Avery Ant, "would
have eaten his critics, colonized the Irish, and forced the disenfranchised
to live in ant holes," would "have spent billions on his drinking,
drug, and gambling habits," and "sacrificed virgins and public
health care just for a laugh," I couldn't watch any more. I fled
to my bedroom, put on the latest Avril Lavigne CD, cried bitter tears
into my pillow, asked God to kill my enemies. And then I cried some more
because no one understands me. In other words, I reacted like any other
politician would.
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Later: Duceppe called. Said the Liberal smear campaign is but a walk in
the park compared to what he's going to do to me and my little dog. I
told him I didn't have a little dog. He asked if I was sure. I told him,
yes, I was quite sure. He told me, "I don't know why, but I was sure
you had a petit chien." After a pause, he informed me that he was
going to a pet store to buy me a little doggie - and then, "Watch
out, Ant Buddy!"
June 10/2004
June 9/2004
June 8/2004
June 7/2004
June 6/2004
June 5/2004
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