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Avery's
Campaign Journal
The Campaign In Canada
June 1/2004
Called Kaiser Paul. He was happy to report that,
yes, his fridge is running (he falls for it every time!). He seemed to
be in a civil mood for a civil servant whose hour in the sun is coming
to an end, so I reminisced about all the hilarious practical jokes I had
played on him. Like when he drank that bottle of white glue and vomited
all over the speaker of the house (he's so gullible, I told him it would
get him buzzed). And the time I told him it was cross dressing day on
the hill and he showed up for parliament all dolled up like a foxy lady.
And the time I sold his car - easiest 20 bucks I ever made! Or when I
called the RCMP and told them he was embezzling and cheating on his income
taxes! Or the time I burnt down his house and sold his ass downtown. Happy
times, indeed... It was nice to hear him giggle. The trick is to avoid
using the words that make him weep. They include: liar, Ipso-Reid, Jesus
Layton, trough, trust, gizmo, sponsorship, circus clowns, dandy-brush,
greenfinch, loose-jointed, ribald, lettuce, dry rot, square bracket, vilify,
Dalton, droop, zinc oxide, yammer, funding, nutcracker, nipples, gross
profit, 34%, Ontario, pipsqueak, and any word that starts with the letters
POL.
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Caught up with Harpo. (aka: Malice in Blunderland) He's taken to rubbing
his hands together in a sinister manner and saying that finally, "the
greater of two evils will have control… Hah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Came across a "Top Secret" list of changes he plans to implement
once he dictates the show. They included:
1. Criminalize anyone with a sense of humour. It's making me (Steven)
look bad.
2. Apply for position of "lap dog" at the White House and pick
George's brain (such as it is) for "war tips" before it's too
late.
3. Have the robot factory that manufactured me, make up 1000's of "Steve
Harper X12" prototypes. This way, much like God, I can be everywhere
all the time.
4. Crush the following: The poor, pot smokers, gay brides, gays in general,
lefties… Oh what the hell, everyone who disagrees with me or pisses
me off.
5. Appoint myself super-general, beef up the army and go crazy -- Caligula
style!!!!!!
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Over
200 emails from Duceppe. He says he craves, adores, and worships me. He
also sent a formal request to have my children (?!). Apparently he wants
to fill my "Averies" (I think he meant ovaries, which, given
that I'm all man, shows you just how misguided he is) with his love eggs.
Says the prospect of winning 56 - 60 seats and holding the balance of
power in new Parliament is nothing without my love. The poor nut job really
has got it bad - and I'd prefer it if he kept it to himself.
May 31/2004
May 30/2004
May 29/2004
May 28/2004
May 27/2004
May 26/2004
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