 |
Avery's Charities
Avery's Comedy Foundation
The Avery Ant Food Bank - History
& Overview
1994: Hollywood film star Avery Ant's highly publicized bad behavior
and wild living finally catches up with him when he is thrown off
the set of The Ant Man Cometh. Penniless, homeless and his
reputation in shreds, he finds shelter and food at The Main Street
Mission. Avery befriends its founder, Father Fred Beetle, and helps
the good minister create The Main Street Food Bank.
1994: After a nasty power struggle with Avery, Beetle is fired and
left penniless and homeless. He then disappears. His body is never
found. Avery Ant appoints himself first executive director and CEO.
1994: The name is changed to The Avery Ant Food Bank (AFB) and the
organization is legally incorporated. Avery is photographed with
Princess Diana, Mother Teresa, and Charo.
1995: The FBI investigates allegations that Avery has been stealing
food and laundering charity money. Avery flies to Europe. Rumors
abound that he undergoes a sex change operation. Avery eventually
reappears in Venice where it is said he is dating Brigitte Bardot.
Avery denies all accusations and vows to clear his name.
1996: I Dream of Jeannie's Barbara Eden is hired as second
director.
1996: Ms. Eden is fired and replaced by Connie Chung, who is subsequently
replaced by the girls from The Lunachicks, who are then let go and
replaced by Tori Spelling, who is hastily replaced by an automated
phone system.
1998: Eat Me, a perishable foods transfer program, sues Avery
Food Bank, claiming that the organization has been using scare tactics
and "acts of thuggish aggression" in order to muscle in
on their charity's territory. A violent turf war ensues…
1999: Avery Ant hires Tony "The Neck" Scopani, Bobby "The
Knife" Lingoni, and Joey "The Slice" Patoni to his
marketing team. Recruitment of Fire Ant Workers Union 101 gives
Avery's Food Bank "a much needed shot of muscle." (Avery
Ant, LA Times, Nov. 18, 1999)
2001: Accusations of money laundering and food theft continue. Critics
call the program "revolting" "demeaning," and
"incredibly unsanitary," often all in the same sentence.
Others insist he is a visionary, one who sees a need and thinks
outside of the box to fix what's broken. Avery begins dating Lucy
Liu.
2002: The Board of Directors votes to remove Avery. Accusations
of insider trading run rampant. Avery fights back and undertakes
a new Strategic Plan. The Board is subsequently arrested in a sting
on a heroin operation. Avery regains control.
2004: The Avery Food Bank holds a 10th anniversary gala celebration.
The menu includes Turtle Soup, Sumatran Tiger, and Visayan Warty
Pig served on Elephant Tusk Skewers. Avery gets into an altercation
with the press and slugs out several photographers. He announces
he will guest host Saturday Night Live.
2004: The Avery Food Bank logo is updated and the public backlash
is enormous. Images of "Saint Avery" draw ire from press,
public, and church. Avery issues a press release blaming the hired
PR Firm Babble On Communications. Avery is frequently seen
in the company of Call Girl Barbie who recently split up with long
time boyfriend Ken.
2004: Johnny Depp is likely to play the role of Avery in the TV
Movie (in development) Avery Ant: A Modern Day Every Ant - An
Everyday Modern Ant. Avery is offered the part of Father Beetle.
to the top
Avery's Foundation For The Tragically Unfunny
The mission of Avery's Ant Farm is focused on a singular goal -
to help deluded, would-be comedians come to terms with their comic
ineptitude and basic lameness. Central to the Foundation's core
principles is the ability to help convince comedically challenged
jokesters that it's time to stop: stop performing at open mic nights;
stop telling fart jokes at dinner parties; stop the unfunny madness,
get back to their jobs in Accounts Receivable and leave comedy to
the professionals.
The Foundation fulfills this mission in a variety of ways, and is
designed to benefit everyone who has ever found himself or herself
trapped in the corner at a social event and is forced to listen
to the stale punch lines of a joke-spewing meathead. The program
concept is simple. Talentless bores, aka "guests," enjoy
a six-week stay at Avery's Resort in the Appalachian Mountains.
They are denied sleep, food, and water while the Program's Comedy
Gestapo reinforces positive messages such as "You are not funny,"
and "Your material is not comic gold!"
Avery's Ant Farm and Foundation also contains intense "reality
rubber rooms" for diehards having trouble facing the truth
about their utter lack of comic ability. These rooms are designed
so that hacks, punsters, and "knock-knock joke" aficionados
are denied bathing privileges in order that they may achieve an
understanding of just how much they stink. Each room has hillbilly
elevator Musak piped in at ear-piercing levels in order to drown
out their screams as they undergo a series of experimental drug
tests that may or may not help them focus on their problems. And
best of all, these loud-mouthed schnooks are kept away from the
rest of a grateful world.
Avery's Ant Farm scoffs at the gentle and holistic approach used
by such recovery programs as Comedians Anonymous, believing that
the harsh truth and hourly doses of cod liver oil are the best medicine
for these misguided joke slingers. Mr. Ant personally feels that
while the general public believes his concept of simply castrating
them is extreme and inhumane, he also notes that it happens to bulls
everyday.
to the
top
|
|
Send this site
to your friend!
|
 |
