"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 30
Don Adams 1923 – 2005
Go go
gadget coffin. L
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Paddy Roberts: Songs For Gay Dogs
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Butt Smelling Dog
2. Give Me A Bone
3. It’s Fun to Hump at The SPCA
4. Heavy Breathing, Hanging Tongues
5. Make You My Bitch
Side Two
1. Bend Over Rover
2. Sniff Sniff, I Remember You Now!
3. Neutered Blues
4. King (Bury It & Make Me Bark)
5. French My Poodle
I love my gay dog. I’m not ashamed of my gay dog. My wife has a hard time
accepting that our dog is gay. But not me. I’m okay with it. Yup, real good.
Sure, sometimes I lie awake at nights wondering what the hell kind of depraved
things it’s doing with other gay dogs, but I still marched in their parade.
And let me tell you, freedom of sexual choice is all fine and dandy but some
of those doggie floats bordered on pornography. Still, I love my gay dog. I accept me
gay dog. If I keep telling myself that then it’s gotta be true. Right?
Paddy Roberts (Tolerant Pet Owner) 1971
Cover
photo: Paddy’s Less Tolerant Wife ©
1971 Barking Mad Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Life has been coaxing you to find the answers to some profound philosophical
questions. Like, in cold weather a nipple will stick out. But in warm weather
it won’t stick in – why?
Taurus: A
certain relationship has brought you stress, but this tension has actually
proven to be a great source of inspiration. Congratulations, you’re an
inspired person with an ulcer, nervous tic and hair loss.
Gemini: By all means offer someone the benefits of your experience. But
it would be more fulfilling to slam them in the face with a coconut cream pie.
The choice is yours.
Cancer: You have the gall of a Gaul and the French tickler of a
perverted francophone.
Leo: Your plans to become the next great superhero are both lamentable
and laughable.
Virgo: You will continue to view butter as a soft yellowish or
whitish emulsion of butterfat, water, air, and sometimes salt, churned from
milk or cream and processed for use in cooking and as a food.
Libra: See above.
Scorpio: Dance monkey!
Sagittarius: You climbed long and hard and there has been no reward.
Welcome to the real world.
Capricorn: Jupiter, God of practical jokes, uses a whoopee cushion to
make you look flatulent.
Aquarius: The song “Iron Man” will be in your head all day.
Pisces: You are surrounded by things that make no sense. They’re called,
“your family.”
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
Tommy
Cruiser, as hard as it is to believe, is really going to marry that Katie
Holmes creature.
The
annoying, canned ham is also writing a secret “wedding journal” that
includes his thoughts on his wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as
he’s calling it.
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Tra la la! I’ve found the perfect top hat to wear for my wedding day. I
think it makes me look taller! Yay! Oh golly! I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl!
Think I’ll celebrate by inviting the fellows over for a game of Twister.
Drug Testing
INT. ROOM -- DAY
Mr. Hotz and Doctor.
DOCTOR: Right Mr. Hotz, if you
could just have a seat this won't take very long.
HOTZ: Alright!
Let's get started.
DOCTOR: Very well. First I just
need to ask you a few questions.
HOTZ: Fire away, I aim to please.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
You know it's nice to hear such enthusiasm.
A lot of people are resentful and uncooperative about all of this.
Drug testing is not a popular concept.
HOTZ: Well you just fire up the
pipe and let's get on with it.
DOCTOR: Fire up the pipe?
HOTZ: Unless of course we're
snorting, in which case...line up, line up.
DOCTOR: You're joking of course. Very funny, now please give me your arm.
HOTZ: I should tell you it's been a
while since I shot up so I may need your help.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz, I'm having a hard
time believing that you don't know what is really going on here.
Drug testing is, well, we take blood and urine samples in order to
determine if you have been taking drugs.
HOTZ: Get out of town.
DOCTOR: I'm quite serious Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: You're funny, I like you.
DOCTOR: It's not an uncommon
practice.
HOTZ: No samples, nothing?
DOCTOR: Of course not.
This is a test.
HOTZ: Well okay.
I'm a little disappointed but I'm sure I'll pass.
I take lots of drugs.
DOCTOR: You do?
HOTZ: Hell yes, probably more then
anyone else here. So what's the
point of this test? Do I win
something?
DOCTOR: No...if you test positive
you could lose your job.
HOTZ: Is positive yes I take drugs?
DOCTOR: Yes.
HOTZ: Then I'm going to flunk?
DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking.
HOTZ: Well shit, they should have
called it an anti-drug test. I've
been cramming all week.
DOCTOR: Surely you read the memo.
HOTZ: Yeah, but I was stoned that
day. Look Doc, hypothetically
speaking how long would it take for about three grams of hash, a couple of
hits of acid, some valium and a half gram of coke to get out of my, I mean, someone's
blood.
DOCTOR: Well that would depend on
body weight, diet...
HOTZ: Would three hours sleep and a
black coffee do the trick?
DOCTOR: Any trace is too much.
HOTZ: Well that hardly seems fair. I mean, give a guy a sporting chance. At least with a breathalyser there's a margin for normal
social activity.
DOCTOR: Drug use is not considered
normal social activity.
HOTZ: What a complete rip...
DOCTOR: A chemically dependent
employee is a liability.
HOTZ: But fun at parties...
DOCTOR: Let's get on with it, shall
we? Your arm...
HOTZ: What if I refuse?
DOCTOR: That's your right, your
employer will be notified however.
HOTZ: Oh man, I am so screwed.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz if you are using
drugs as much as you boast you must be aware of the risks.
However, if you are sincere about change we can help.
We don't want to destroy your life, we want to help you function at
your peak. There are options.
HOTZ: Like what?
DOCTOR: Treatment, therapy, rehab. You have to quit sometime Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: Alright, alright, I'll try. It's not going to be easy...I'll need help.
DOCTOR: No problem Mr. Hotz, we are
here t help and you'd be amazed at what we can prescribe...methadone, valium,
lithium...
HOTZ: What about prozac?
I hear that stuff kicks.
DOCTOR:
Anything
you need Mr. Hotz... Anything you need.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i'm
full of christian love
shrubs like to kill people
salamander fire tattoo
mcmakeover
bush hates muppet elmo
nicole richie is shrinking
lions humping
picture of a fat keith tkachuk
hairy balls in kilt
iron maiden dickinson groupie
Only 85 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
