"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 28
Seven Things You Don’t Know About Rock N’ Roll
1.
When "Stairway To Heaven" is played backwards, you can hear the
phrase "Oh look, John’s using anti-heroin medication again. You know
lads, I bet he’d be safer just doing the real thing. Oi, have another beer
John!”
2. The mighty final chord of The Beatles' "A Day In The Life" was
played when John Lennon threw Paul McCartney onto the piano in a rage for
“having no bloody talent.” McCartney, landed with a big crash on his ass
on the piano – and the rest is history.
3.
The Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds" is called like this because of an
insult between band mates. When Brian Wilson showed Mike Love (the band's
singer) the new material, he said, "Your mother is a real dog, pig
boy.”
4.
Bob Dylan's "Highway 61 Revisited" was originally to be called
“Get Your Kicks on Route 66” until Dylan learned there was already a song
of that name. “He was shocked. And really stoned,” said a former band
mate.
5.
All the guys from band The Clash were stoned and drunk out of their minds when
they wrote and recorded all their records. Really!
6.
The night of Jimi Hendrix's first gig, Jeff Beck was coming out of the club
and outside he ran into Eric Clapton and Pete Townshend. With a frightened
expression he told them "I just saw my first black person!”
7.
Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters) shot Kurt Cobain and made it look like a
suicide.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Paddy Roberts: Songs For Gay Dogs
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Butt Smelling Dog
2. Give Me A Bone
3. It’s Fun to Hump at The SPCA
4. Heavy Breathing, Hanging Tongues
5. Make You My Bitch
Side Two
1. Bend Over Rover
2. Sniff Sniff, I Remember You Now!
3. Neutered Blues
4. King (Bury It & Make Me Bark)
5. French My Poodle
I love my gay dog. I’m not ashamed of my gay dog. My wife has a hard time
accepting that our dog is gay. But not me. I’m okay with it. Yup, real good.
Sure, sometimes I lie awake at nights wondering what the hell kind of depraved
things it’s doing with other gay dogs, but I still marched in their parade.
And let me tell you, freedom of sexual choice is all fine and dandy but some
of those doggie floats bordered on pornography. Still, I love my gay dog. I accept me
gay dog. If I keep telling myself that then it’s gotta be true. Right?
Paddy Roberts (Tolerant Pet Owner) 1971
Cover
photo: Paddy’s Less Tolerant Wife ©
1971 Barking Mad Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries: Deal harshly with anyone who tries to block
your progress today. Tie them up, stick a light in their face, interrogate
them, slap them in the face, smoke a cigarette like a Nazi (between thumb and
index finger), blow the smoke in their face and last, but not least, laugh
like this “bwee ha ha ha!” Have
fun!
Taurus: You
are not the sort to shirk from your responsibilities. You’re more the type
who needs to practice the art of washing your pants. (*Helpful hint: lemon
juice might get that unholy smell out of the crotch.)
Gemini: Your life is like a 70’s TV show. Your afro is a fright. This
is a rhyming couplet. And you’re Kid Dynamite!
Cancer: You still miss Judas Priest.
Leo: Express your opinions and freely criticize others. Justify your
appalling rudeness by calling it “free speech.”
Virgo: Neptune, God of angry drunks, continues to be an angry drunk.
Libra: Someone in a position of authority will rub you the wrong way
– probably sideways.
Scorpio: You will continue to view swine as various omnivorous,
even-toed ungulates of the family Suidae.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Today you will dance on a street corner for nickels.
Aquarius: You’re personal life is a soap opera. No, that doesn’t
mean you’ve suffered amnesia, had your children kidnapped, married an evil
Russian billionaire and just watched your mansion burn to the ground. It’s
really more of an expression. And maybe not a very accurate one. How’s this?
Your personal life is a mess.
Pisces: Instead of throwing good money after bad why not try throwing a
Christian to the lions?
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
Tommy
Cruiser seems hell-bent and determined on marrying Katie Holmes.
The glib, canned ham is also
writing a secret “wedding journal” that includes his thoughts on his
wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as he’s calling it.
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Last night Katie arrived at my front door wearing nothing but a rat-toothed
smile. It really put off the guys who were attending my all man Roman orgy.
They all grabbed their shields, put on their togas and left. Two weeks of
planning down the drain!!! I ran to my room and wept bitter tears. Katie, who
is just such a ninny, hadn’t figured out what was going on. I then came up
with a brilliant plan. I told her I needed her to find me certain items for
the wedding. This really seemed to brighten up the dull-eyed girl.
”What can I do to help you, T-boy?” she asked in that infuriating manner
of hers.
I sent her off to Switzerland to find me a rare flower known as The Silver
Salvationjiminy (ha! There’s no such thing) that I told her could only be
found somewhere in the Alps. I told her, get this, it was an aphrodisiac. She
actually smiled when I told her, “Now go climb a mountain.”
She should be gone for a few weeks.
Bliss.
Drug Testing
INT. ROOM -- DAY
Mr. Hotz and Doctor.
DOCTOR: Right Mr. Hotz, if you
could just have a seat this won't take very long.
HOTZ: Alright!
Let's get started.
DOCTOR: Very well. First I just
need to ask you a few questions.
HOTZ: Fire away, I aim to please.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
You know it's nice to hear such enthusiasm.
A lot of people are resentful and uncooperative about all of this.
Drug testing is not a popular concept.
HOTZ: Well you just fire up the
pipe and let's get on with it.
DOCTOR: Fire up the pipe?
HOTZ: Unless of course we're
snorting, in which case...line up, line up.
DOCTOR: You're joking of course. Very funny, now please give me your arm.
HOTZ: I should tell you it's been a
while since I shot up so I may need your help.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz, I'm having a hard
time believing that you don't know what is really going on here.
Drug testing is, well, we take blood and urine samples in order to
determine if you have been taking drugs.
HOTZ: Get out of town.
DOCTOR: I'm quite serious Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: You're funny, I like you.
DOCTOR: It's not an uncommon
practice.
HOTZ: No samples, nothing?
DOCTOR: Of course not.
This is a test.
HOTZ: Well okay.
I'm a little disappointed but I'm sure I'll pass.
I take lots of drugs.
DOCTOR: You do?
HOTZ: Hell yes, probably more then
anyone else here. So what's the
point of this test? Do I win
something?
DOCTOR: No...if you test positive
you could lose your job.
HOTZ: Is positive yes I take drugs?
DOCTOR: Yes.
HOTZ: Then I'm going to flunk?
DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking.
HOTZ: Well shit, they should have
called it an anti-drug test. I've
been cramming all week.
DOCTOR: Surely you read the memo.
HOTZ: Yeah, but I was stoned that
day. Look Doc, hypothetically
speaking how long would it take for about three grams of hash, a couple of
hits of acid, some valium and a half gram of coke to get out of my, I mean, someone's
blood.
DOCTOR: Well that would depend on
body weight, diet...
HOTZ: Would three hours sleep and a
black coffee do the trick?
DOCTOR: Any trace is too much.
HOTZ: Well that hardly seems fair. I mean, give a guy a sporting chance. At least with a breathalyser there's a margin for normal
social activity.
DOCTOR: Drug use is not considered
normal social activity.
HOTZ: What a complete rip...
DOCTOR: A chemically dependent
employee is a liability.
HOTZ: But fun at parties...
DOCTOR: Let's get on with it, shall
we? Your arm...
HOTZ: What if I refuse?
DOCTOR: That's your right, your
employer will be notified however.
HOTZ: Oh man, I am so screwed.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz if you are using
drugs as much as you boast you must be aware of the risks.
However, if you are sincere about change we can help.
We don't want to destroy your life, we want to help you function at
your peak. There are options.
HOTZ: Like what?
DOCTOR: Treatment, therapy, rehab. You have to quit sometime Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: Alright, alright, I'll try. It's not going to be easy...I'll need help.
DOCTOR: No problem Mr. Hotz, we are
here t help and you'd be amazed at what we can prescribe...methadone, valium,
lithium...
HOTZ: What about prozac?
I hear that stuff kicks.
DOCTOR:
Anything
you need Mr. Hotz... Anything you need.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i'm
full of christian love
shrubs like to kill people
salamander fire tattoo
mcmakeover
bush hates muppet elmo
nicole richie is shrinking
lions humping
picture of a fat keith tkachuk
hairy balls in kilt
iron maiden dickinson groupie
Only 87 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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