"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 26
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Paddy Roberts: Songs For Gay Dogs
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Butt Smelling Dog
2. Give Me A Bone
3. It’s Fun to Hump at The SPCA
4. Heavy Breathing, Hanging Tongues
5. Make You My Bitch
Side Two
1. Bend Over Rover
2. Sniff Sniff, I Remember You Now!
3. Neutered Blues
4. King (Bury It & Make Me Bark)
5. French My Poodle
I love my gay dog. I’m not ashamed of my gay dog. My wife has a hard time
accepting that our dog is gay. But not me. I’m okay with it. Yup, real good.
Sure, sometimes I lie awake at nights wondering what the hell kind of depraved
things it’s doing with other gay dogs, but I still marched in their parade.
And let me tell you, freedom of sexual choice is all fine and dandy but some
of those doggie floats bordered on pornography. Still, I love my gay dog. I accept me
gay dog. If I keep telling myself that then it’s gotta be true. Right?
Paddy Roberts (Tolerant Pet Owner) 1971
Cover
photo: Paddy’s Less Tolerant Wife ©
1971 Barking Mad Records
HEY KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice
for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian
and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Viagra
Monster
Dear Frankenstein’s Monster:
I accidentally discovered my husband has been ordering Viagra on the Internet.
He won’t talk about it. I have concerns: 1) How will this affect his health?
2)I don’t think this is something he should keep from me 3)Is he having an
affair? 4) Will I have to start having sex with him again?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmmmaghhh! Frankenstein say, yes, Viagra cause side effects. Main one being
big boner between legs. Sound like he up to something. That for sure. He need
to open up and express feelings. Until then you stop having sex with him. If
he happy go lucky then you got trouble. If he wander around house with tent
pole between legs while screaming like Frankenstein does when he see fire,
then you okay. Mrragggh!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Is it “You The Man” or “You Da Man”? Either way it goes, you aren’t
and/or ain’t.
Taurus: The
events of last week’s full moon were pretty uneventful, huh?
Gemini: You will continue to view Shetland ponies as small,
compactly built ponies of a breed originating in the Shetland Islands, having
a long thick mane and tail.
Cancer: You will not visit the Shetland Islands.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You have the small compact build of a Shetland Pony and the
ticks and fleas of a Shetland Pony.
Libra: People ride you like you were a Shetland Pony.
Scorpio: You will tire of jokes about Shetland Ponies.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Sympatico.ca continues to be a hopeless operation.
Aquarius: A wily coyote and a roadrunner will entertain you for seven
minutes.
Pisces: Poor Pisces, always down here at the bottom and getting the
crappiest of horoscopes.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
Tommy
Cruiser still insists on carrying out this sham and marrying Katie Holmes. Way
to go Tom. You’ve fooled us all!
The glib alien-lover is also writing a secret “wedding journal” that
includes his thoughts on his wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as
he’s calling it.
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
I fear Katie may be trying to think for herself. Last night she whined again
about how I have yet to kiss her and then complained that I was spending too
much time with the florist. I calmly explained to her that what she thinks has
about as much significance as a pimple on a braying donkey’s ass. Well, she
got all weepy and wouldn’t talk to me. That was nice. But later she started
in about the florist. I once again reminded her about the donkey with the
pimple on its ass analogy, but she was pretty adamant that most people don’t
usually have their florists over for sleepovers. I sat her down and explained
that flower arrangements don’t happen by themselves and that Trevor (the
dreamy florist) and I like to spend the nights working out various
arrangements. I think that bought me some time.
Drug Testing
INT. ROOM -- DAY
Mr. Hotz and Doctor.
DOCTOR: Right Mr. Hotz, if you
could just have a seat this won't take very long.
HOTZ: Alright!
Let's get started.
DOCTOR: Very well. First I just
need to ask you a few questions.
HOTZ: Fire away, I aim to please.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
You know it's nice to hear such enthusiasm.
A lot of people are resentful and uncooperative about all of this.
Drug testing is not a popular concept.
HOTZ: Well you just fire up the
pipe and let's get on with it.
DOCTOR: Fire up the pipe?
HOTZ: Unless of course we're
snorting, in which case...line up, line up.
DOCTOR: You're joking of course. Very funny, now please give me your arm.
HOTZ: I should tell you it's been a
while since I shot up so I may need your help.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz, I'm having a hard
time believing that you don't know what is really going on here.
Drug testing is, well, we take blood and urine samples in order to
determine if you have been taking drugs.
HOTZ: Get out of town.
DOCTOR: I'm quite serious Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: You're funny, I like you.
DOCTOR: It's not an uncommon
practice.
HOTZ: No samples, nothing?
DOCTOR: Of course not.
This is a test.
HOTZ: Well okay.
I'm a little disappointed but I'm sure I'll pass.
I take lots of drugs.
DOCTOR: You do?
HOTZ: Hell yes, probably more then
anyone else here. So what's the
point of this test? Do I win
something?
DOCTOR: No...if you test positive
you could lose your job.
HOTZ: Is positive yes I take drugs?
DOCTOR: Yes.
HOTZ: Then I'm going to flunk?
DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking.
HOTZ: Well shit, they should have
called it an anti-drug test. I've
been cramming all week.
DOCTOR: Surely you read the memo.
HOTZ: Yeah, but I was stoned that
day. Look Doc, hypothetically
speaking how long would it take for about three grams of hash, a couple of
hits of acid, some valium and a half gram of coke to get out of my, I mean, someone's
blood.
DOCTOR: Well that would depend on
body weight, diet...
HOTZ: Would three hours sleep and a
black coffee do the trick?
DOCTOR: Any trace is too much.
HOTZ: Well that hardly seems fair. I mean, give a guy a sporting chance. At least with a breathalyser there's a margin for normal
social activity.
DOCTOR: Drug use is not considered
normal social activity.
HOTZ: What a complete rip...
DOCTOR: A chemically dependent
employee is a liability.
HOTZ: But fun at parties...
DOCTOR: Let's get on with it, shall
we? Your arm...
HOTZ: What if I refuse?
DOCTOR: That's your right, your
employer will be notified however.
HOTZ: Oh man, I am so screwed.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz if you are using
drugs as much as you boast you must be aware of the risks.
However, if you are sincere about change we can help.
We don't want to destroy your life, we want to help you function at
your peak. There are options.
HOTZ: Like what?
DOCTOR: Treatment, therapy, rehab. You have to quit sometime Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: Alright, alright, I'll try. It's not going to be easy...I'll need help.
DOCTOR: No problem Mr. Hotz, we are
here t help and you'd be amazed at what we can prescribe...methadone, valium,
lithium...
HOTZ: What about prozac?
I hear that stuff kicks.
DOCTOR:
Anything
you need Mr. Hotz... Anything you need.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i'm
full of christian love
shrubs like to kill people
salamander fire tattoo
mcmakeover
bush hates muppet elmo
nicole richie is shrinking
lions humping
picture of a fat keith tkachuk
hairy balls in kilt
iron maiden dickinson groupie
Only 89 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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