"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 23
Drug Testing
INT. ROOM -- DAY
Mr. Hotz and Doctor.
DOCTOR: Right Mr. Hotz, if you
could just have a seat this won't take very long.
HOTZ: Alright!
Let's get started.
DOCTOR: Very well. First I just
need to ask you a few questions.
HOTZ: Fire away, I aim to please.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
You know it's nice to hear such enthusiasm.
A lot of people are resentful and uncooperative about all of this.
Drug testing is not a popular concept.
HOTZ: Well you just fire up the
pipe and let's get on with it.
DOCTOR: Fire up the pipe?
HOTZ: Unless of course we're
snorting, in which case...line up, line up.
DOCTOR: You're joking of course. Very funny, now please give me your arm.
HOTZ: I should tell you it's been a
while since I shot up so I may need your help.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz, I'm having a hard
time believing that you don't know what is really going on here.
Drug testing is, well, we take blood and urine samples in order to
determine if you have been taking drugs.
HOTZ: Get out of town.
DOCTOR: I'm quite serious Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: You're funny, I like you.
DOCTOR: It's not an uncommon
practice.
HOTZ: No samples, nothing?
DOCTOR: Of course not.
This is a test.
HOTZ: Well okay.
I'm a little disappointed but I'm sure I'll pass.
I take lots of drugs.
DOCTOR: You do?
HOTZ: Hell yes, probably more then
anyone else here. So what's the
point of this test? Do I win
something?
DOCTOR: No...if you test positive
you could lose your job.
HOTZ: Is positive yes I take drugs?
DOCTOR: Yes.
HOTZ: Then I'm going to flunk?
DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking.
HOTZ: Well shit, they should have
called it an anti-drug test. I've
been cramming all week.
DOCTOR: Surely you read the memo.
HOTZ: Yeah, but I was stoned that
day. Look Doc, hypothetically
speaking how long would it take for about three grams of hash, a couple of
hits of acid, some valium and a half gram of coke to get out of my, I mean, someone's
blood.
DOCTOR: Well that would depend on
body weight, diet...
HOTZ: Would three hours sleep and a
black coffee do the trick?
DOCTOR: Any trace is too much.
HOTZ: Well that hardly seems fair. I mean, give a guy a sporting chance. At least with a breathalyser there's a margin for normal
social activity.
DOCTOR: Drug use is not considered
normal social activity.
HOTZ: What a complete rip...
DOCTOR: A chemically dependent
employee is a liability.
HOTZ: But fun at parties...
DOCTOR: Let's get on with it, shall
we? Your arm...
HOTZ: What if I refuse?
DOCTOR: That's your right, your
employer will be notified however.
HOTZ: Oh man, I am so screwed.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz if you are using
drugs as much as you boast you must be aware of the risks.
However, if you are sincere about change we can help.
We don't want to destroy your life, we want to help you function at
your peak. There are options.
HOTZ: Like what?
DOCTOR: Treatment, therapy, rehab. You have to quit sometime Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: Alright, alright, I'll try. It's not going to be easy...I'll need help.
DOCTOR: No problem Mr. Hotz, we are
here t help and you'd be amazed at what we can prescribe...methadone, valium,
lithium...
HOTZ: What about prozac?
I hear that stuff kicks.
DOCTOR:
Anything
you need Mr. Hotz... Anything you need.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Everybody boogie. That means you!
Taurus: You
have the backbone of a spineless jellyfish and the stinging tentacles of a
stinging jellyfish.
Gemini: Welcome to your future. Wipe your feet upon entering.
Cancer: Welcome to your future. No dogs allowed.
Leo: Welcome to your future. You forgot your past so you’re doomed to
repeat it here.
Virgo: You will continue to view Germans as natives of Germany.
Libra: If you find your work boring you can always liven things up with
a little public urination.
Scorpio: See above.
Sagittarius: A movie based on your life will likely never happen.
Capricorn: You will continue to avoid opera music.
Aquarius: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Pisces: Make a determined effort to remain relaxed. Try doing something
that is coma inducing.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
In order to try and continue to
bamboozle the public, Tommy Cruiser is charging ahead with wedding plans.
Although he’s
not fooling anyone.
The little guy is also apparently writing a secret “wedding journal.”
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Last
night I flogged a caterer. Then he flogged me. I only found out he was a
caterer after we went swimming together... What a lucky coincidence! Maybe
I’ll hire him.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Sing Along With Emmett Kelly
Side One.
1. Everyone Hates A Clown
2. Slightly Better Than A Mime (I’m Only)
3. Bozo & Bimbo (A Harlequin Romance)
4. My Exploding Pants & Subsequent Trouble With The Law
5. Big Top Three-Ring Alcoholism
6. I've Got Them Huge Clown Shoes and Manic Depression Blues
Side Two.
1. Not Wearing Makeup!
2. 26 Of Us In The Damn Little Car
3. Punching The Clown
4. Lions, Elephants, Pills and Liquor Bottles
5. The Circus In My Head (The Going Insane Song)
6. Clown Heaven Is Hell For Everyone Else
7. Sing Along With Emmett Kelly (Kill The Clown, Kill The Clown, Kill The
Clown!)
When
Buffoon Records kidnapped me to record this album, I said, “No, please, not
another record! For God’s sake leave me with a shred of dignity.”
They responded by showing me my contract stating that I had sold them my soul
“In Perpetuity” and that as such I was obligated to keep churning out the
clown albums. What could I do but reluctantly agree?
Making this album was just as horrible an experience as all the others. In
order to get an “authentic circus feel and sound” to the album, I was,
among other things, chased about the studio by live tigers, elephants and
lions. They also jammed me in a recording booth that was smaller than that
damn little clown car we’re forced to drive around in. When I complained
that I was uncomfortable, tired and hungry the producers threw empty liquor
bottles at me. The harder I cried the harder they laughed.
Such is the life of a clown.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
dream of jeannie rants
grim. jr.
al franken is a bucktoothed moron
did catholics start the crusades
home rehab contest
itchy testicles picture
clowns alphabet
elmo gone bad
militant rant
office rat
Only 92 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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