"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 15
Honest Pick-Up
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A MAN approaches a
WOMAN seated at a barstool. They
engage in conversation. The tone is light.
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: Hi...
MAN: I saw you from
across the bar, but despite my insecurities I decided to risk rejection and
speak with you.
WOMAN: Well, since
you're the only man who has all night, I'll spend a couple of minutes talking
to you before I decide if you're a loser.
MAN: You know, if I
wasn't half tanked, I wouldn't even look at you.
WOMAN: Fortunately
it's so dark in here I can't see you.
MAN: I'm pathetically
lonely.
WOMAN: So am I!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
MAN: I can't believe
I'm trying to pick you up.
WOMAN: I can't
believe I'm letting you.
MAN: You know, it's
been so long since I've gotten laid, I think I'd say just about anything to
get you into bed.
WOMAN: Believe me, it
won't take much.
MAN: I'd buy you a
drink but I just can't be sure it would pay off.
WOMAN: One more drink
and I'd probably fuck you.
MAN: I really wish we
could just have sex in the alley. That way I don't have to take you back to my
place and deal with you in the morning.
WOMAN: There's no way
you're coming to my place. I want
to have sex with you but I just don't want you to know where I live.
MAN: I just want to
cum real fast, and then go home.
WOMAN: I'm so
bored...I wish I was a lesbian.
MAN: I don't really
like women very much.
WOMAN: I really hate
men.
MAN: I probably can't
even get it up.
WOMAN: I wouldn't
feel you anyway, men are so insignificant.
MAN: I'm married.
WOMAN: I knew that
five minutes ago, but I couldn't care less.
MAN: You probably
want a relationship.
WOMAN: You probably
want me to tell you that you're good in bed.
MAN: God, I hate
talking to you. I just want sex.
WOMAN: You repulse
me. I just want sex too.
MAN: I don't even
know that I want, I just like knowing I can get it.
WOMAN: I like knowing
that men want me, it makes me feel important.
MAN: I wish I had a
life.
WOMAN: I wish you did
too, then maybe I'd be really interested in you.
MAN: If I ever see
you again, I'll pretend I don't know you.
WOMAN:
I'll never see you again and if anyone better comes along, you're history.
They
both laugh.
MAN: So... Do you
want to have sex?
WOMAN: It's not
polite to ask...Just do it.
MAN: How does behind
the dumpster in the parking lot sound?
WOMAN:
Like a dream come true.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
You will continue to view plaintiffs as parties that institute a suit in
court.
Taurus: You may want to be of assistance, but you’d be a lot more
helpful if you just got out of everyone’s way.
Gemini: You may not have the brains, looks, clothes, qualifications or
experience that your rivals hold, but you do have a... Um, a gorilla suit!
That’s pretty cool.
Cancer: See above.
Leo: You have the smile of an angel and the body odor of an ape.
Virgo: You certainly don’t lack bravery. It’s brains where you come
up really short.
Libra: If you are smart you will listen to advice today. But alas,
you’re kind of like Virgo in this arena (hint, see above).
Scorpio: It’s time to leave your pants and doubts behind and shock the
neighbors.
Sagittarius: The sun is at odds with Pluto. This has nothing to do with
you, but I just like to dish the gossip.
Capricorn: You will continue to be short.
Aquarius: What you do with your goat will continue to sicken many.
Pisces: You will not eat a western ham and egg casserole.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise: Day 10 Without His Brain
It’s day 10 for master thespian, Tommy Cruise without a brain and the strain
is beginning to show.
Cruise may continue to state that because he is an actor living in Hollywood,
he doesn’t need his cranium but he was spotted yesterday bumping his head
into a door for over 3 hours.
”He hasn’t figured out the difference between push and pull,” said one
of Tom’s lackeys, “in fact, I don’t think he can even pronounce either
word.”
Rumors are also rampant
that Tom isn’t so sure about his choice of becoming a Buddhist.
“Tom recognized that
the brain is a materialistic object. And Buddhists reject materialism,”
continued the lackey, “but
he’d also like to be able to use a fork and spoon as well as open a door.
He’s seriously reconsidering getting his brain back. Well, as best as he can
consider or reconsider anything.”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Happiness with Ron Johnson
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. The Ballad of “They Pelted Garbage and Rocks At Me”
2. Do The Unclean
3. Forever (In My Parents' Basement)
4. Who Needs A Life?
5. If I Stop Grinning I’ll Probably Die
6. You’ll be sorry when I sneak into your room
7. Happiness with Ron Johnson isn’t all that happy an experience...
Side Two
1. I’m Laughing, I’m Getting A Beating, I’m Confused
2. The “Wish I’d Never Been Born and Then Born Again Song”
3. Has Anyone Seen My Retainer?
4. Speaking of which... Has Anyone Seen My Left Leg? (Take Another Look At The
Album Cover.)
I’m happy. If anyone asks, you tell them that. Tell them I’m happy. Happy,
happy, happy.
I’m so happy I wrote an album called “Happiness”
Look at me. Don’t I just look thrilled with everything around me? All those
plants. And flowers. And my guitar. And my very existence... Yeah, life is
good. Wow. I guess I have it all. I guess...
I recorded this album by myself. I wrote all the songs, without other people.
I don’t need other people. Except for my mom, who dresses me. And feeds me.
And bought my glasses. And took the picture of me.
My album is called “Happiness with Ron
Johnson.” I’m Ron Johnson.
Some call me “the desiccated coconut.” And then they laugh.
Me, well, I’m in my mid 40’s, single, balding, and ready to share my brand
of “Happiness” with the world.
Happy, happy, happy...
Ron Johnson, Model of Happiness & Missing His Left
Leg 1958
Cover photo: Ron’s Mom. ©
1958 Bald-Know-It-All Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gottenheimel
ant farms
vampire recipes
wonder woman chloroform
pray for omarion
pen pals that like david cassidy
cat in a sewer
shaving with whipped cream
deflowering
the austrailian guy who got attacked by a shark
Only 100 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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