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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 14
Jesus Christ to George – Stop
Evoking My Name!
Jesus Christ has issued a press release denying any connections with George
Bush.
“He may use my name, but as
far as I’m concerned it’s in vain,” said Christ, “I called him a while
ago and told him to stop it, but he didn’t. To be honest, it’s kind of
pissing me off.”
The Lord, famous for rising from the dead and
staring in an Andrew Llyod Weber musical, also said that he found Cheney to be
"rather annoying" but had never met him personally.
”Dick is friends with Satan and I don’t hang out with that underworld
crowd,” Jesus noted.
The Office Rat
Are
you The Office Rat? Are you a sniveling, backstabbing, highly unlikable creep
who tells on everyone? Are you a double-crossing Judas fink? Do you make all
those around you ill? Are you such a stool pigeon of a snitch that sometimes
you even make yourself sick?
Here’s
a fact; it turns out that every office has an office rat. You know him/her,
they’re the slime buckets that call your superiors if your five minutes
late. The douche bags that count your pencils when you’re not at your desk
to see if your stealing and, ultimately, the pathetic saps and losers who
don’t have anything else going on in their lives and get a huge sense of
self importance by jamming their slimy noses into your affairs.
If you’re at work and reading this right now, chances are that the office
rat is watching you and writing this all up in an officious and anal report.
Take the test and see if you’re a duplicitous tattle-telling worm.
1.
How often do you rat out fellow employees for being late? Even if it’s just
a minute. Give yourself 1 point for occasionally. 2 points for often. 3 points
for “It’s what I live for and it makes me feel like a big shot.”
2. Does this definition describe you? “You are a long-tailed
rodent resembling a mouse but larger.” If so, add 10
points.
3. Are you slimy? If so, how slimy are you?
1 point for pretty slimy. 2 points for “I’ve been described as
oily.” 3 points for “I leave a trail of ooze behind me wherever I go.”
4. What have you ratted your fellow workers out for recently? 1 point for
arriving late. 2 points for chewing on their pencils. 3 points for suspected
terrorist.
5. For every time you've said the following phrases in the last week, give
yourself another point:
"Hi boss, I know who it was who ate that donut.”
”I’m telling!”
”Boss, it’s me, listen, Jones has gone to the bathroom three times today.
I think he might be masturbating in there. Would you like me to check?”
6. Give yourself 1 point for each of the following statements that have
been said to you by fellow workers. “You sicken me.” “I hope you die a
painful death and that it happens soon and that I’m there to witness it.”
“Did your mother drop you on your head as a child?” “I’m gonna kick
your tattle-telling ass, loser!” “Thanks for telling the boss I was on a
personal call. Oh, by the way, there’s a reason your coffee tastes like
urine.”
Now add them up and see what kind of rat you really are.
20 points or more – You’re a slimy, particleboard chewing, long
tailed rodent as well as a despicable person. You’re a plague
in so many ways and we hope you drown in a toilet. Until then, scurry back to
the sewer.
10-19 points – You're pretty
horrid. You should start minding your own business. You’re closer to being
loathsome than you are tolerable. Smarten up and shut up.
1-09 points – You’re kind of rotten but you’re close to being
salvageable. Focus on yourself and keep your tattletale telling mouth shut.
No points – You’re not a rat, in fact, in this area, you shine as a
human being. Congratulations.
Your Horoscope:
Aries: It may seem unfair that people in authority pat
you down and stick a flashlight up your butt to check for hidden contraband.
But for God’s sakes, you’re in prison, what did you expect?
Taurus: A successful approach to solving problems continues to elude
you.
Gemini: You have the heel of Achilles and the fin rot of Poseidon.
Cancer: Each sign of the zodiac is born with a talent – except for
yours.
Leo: You are under cosmic protection today (insert condom joke here).
Virgo: Neptune is enticing you to look back at a time that has drifted
away forever. Why? Because Neptune likes to mess with your head!
Libra: Every argument has a counter argument. Your counter argument
continues to be “shut up!”
Scorpio: You will continue to view molecules as the smallest particles of
a substance that retains the chemical and physical properties of the substance
and are composed of two or more atoms.
Sagittarius: Your knowledge of clichés will once again prove to be
rather trite and annoying.
Capricorn: Sometimes, once we have decided to go rolling the down the
road, nothing can stop us. Especially if we’re rather fat and round.
Aquarius: By all means let other people order you about and call the
shots. Why should today be any different?
Pisces: See above.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise: Day 9 Without His Brain
It’s
day 9 for master thespian, Tommy Cruise without a brain and the diminutive
fella still seems spunky as ever.
”I don’t need a brain,” sayeth Tom, “I’m an actor. I live in
Hollywood. Gray matter isn’t required. As a Buddhist, I now see that a brain
is a materialistic object.
I am much happier without my brain.”
While Cruise may be Jim-dandy with the situation his lawyers are apparently
nervous and want to get him his cranium back – and soon!
”He doesn’t want to sue anyone anymore,” whimpered one of Tom’s
lawyers, “what’s to become of us? Oh the humanity! Vultures need to eat
to. I’m going to call those Scientologists and plead with them to return it.
I’m willing to sell them my ass in exchange for it.”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Happiness with Ron Johnson
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. The Ballad of “They Pelted Garbage and Rocks At Me”
2. Do The Unclean
3. Forever (In My Parents' Basement)
4. Who Needs A Life?
5. If I Stop Grinning I’ll Probably Die
6. You’ll be sorry when I sneak into your room
7. Happiness with Ron Johnson isn’t all that happy an experience...
Side Two
1. I’m Laughing, I’m Getting A Beating, I’m Confused
2. The “Wish I’d Never Been Born and Then Born Again Song”
3. Has Anyone Seen My Retainer?
4. Speaking of which... Has Anyone Seen My Left Leg? (Take Another Look At The
Album Cover.)
I’m happy. If anyone asks, you tell them that. Tell them I’m happy. Happy,
happy, happy.
I’m so happy I wrote an album called “Happiness”
Look at me. Don’t I just look thrilled with everything around me? All those
plants. And flowers. And my guitar. And my very existence... Yeah, life is
good. Wow. I guess I have it all. I guess...
I recorded this album by myself. I wrote all the songs, without other people.
I don’t need other people. Except for my mom, who dresses me. And feeds me.
And bought my glasses. And took the picture of me.
My album is called “Happiness with Ron
Johnson.” I’m Ron Johnson.
Some call me “the desiccated coconut.” And then they laugh.
Me, well, I’m in my mid 40’s, single, balding, and ready to share my brand
of “Happiness” with the world.
Happy, happy, happy...
Ron Johnson, Model of Happiness & Missing His Left
Leg 1958
Cover photo: Ron’s Mom. ©
1958 Bald-Know-It-All Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gottenheimel
ant farms
vampire recipes
wonder woman chloroform
pray for omarion
pen pals that like david cassidy
cat in a sewer
shaving with whipped cream
deflowering
the austrailian guy who got attacked by a shark
Only 101 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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