"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 11
Michael Brown's New Job
“Remember
me as a complete failure and a constant whiner.”
Michael Brown
Inept media
blamer, Michael Brown has a new job. The reality-challenged, ex FEMA head has
been hired by The White House to keep an eye on the sun.
”I’m supposed to watch it all day and night. Well, not at night. Ha!
But all day and make sure it doesn’t fall from the sky.”
Mr. Brown apparently got a little nervous on his first shift when he noticed
that the sun was moving across the sky.
It was then that a little kid who happened to be passing by explained to him that
this was happening because the earth revolves around the sun.
”I’m pretty sure he’s wrong about that,” Mr. Brown later said, “and
the President agrees with me on this. So that means we must be right.”
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Can you believe that people actually think there’s truth in these things?
Taurus: Venus, planet of the prick tease, calls you up for a date and
then stands you up.
Gemini: You need to come to terms with the fact that a certain problem
needs to be nipped before an intermittent mechanical alignment between Aries
and Leo signifies more than a planetary hiccup. Clear on that?
Cancer: Your attempts to smoke ragweed and get buzzed remain futile.
Leo: You will continue to confuse “the chicken dance” and the
“hokey pokey.”
Virgo: You can hardly complain that your life is uninteresting. But
really, no one wants to hear about that boil on your ass.
Libra: The pressure on you will ease a little today and then really get
worse tomorrow.
Scorpio: You will continue to view witch doctors as sorcerers,
prophets, or shamanistic healers.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: You have the ears of a cauliflower and the voice of a fan
belt.
Aquarius: After all these years you are still “Koo-koo about Coco
Puffs.”
Pisces: Call your mother for a much needed nagging.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise: Day 6 Without His Brain
Those
wacky Scientologists that reportedly broke into the Hollywood lair of vampire
Tom Cruise, pried open his coffin while he was sleeping and proceeded to steal
his brain are still waiting for the Hollywood hunk to respond
”We did receive one note from him,” said Rayon 6, Scientology theta master
and weirdo, “it said something about bowl movements. I think he meant to say
bowel movements. But with Tom, you can never be sure.”
Cruise has now been 6 days without his precious brain and the latest reports
are that the actor no longer wants it back.
”Tom’s leading a less complicated life now,” said Tom’s sister,
“he’s preparing to renounce his vampirism and become a Buddhist. He’s
achieved spiritual clarity without his brain and now views his cranium as a
materialistic good. And those can only bring people unhappiness.”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
CHAINO
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Chaino On “Punching Out The Buddha”
2. Chaino’s Philosophy about Poisoning School Children
3. Chaino’s Theory Of The Noble Savage Pimp
4. Do The Chaino Growl (Or Else You Die!)
Side Two
1. What Chaino Did On His Summer Holiday (He Kill People!)
2. The Chaino Whip & Stab Dance Mix
3. Chaino On "Golf & How To Use The Clubs As Weapons"
4. Chaino Kills! (Recorded live at The Hollywood Bowl)
Chaino
proud musician. Chaino proud of his latest record. Yaghhhh! Chaino proud of
his ability to scream “Yaghhhh!”
Chaino recorded this album on limited budget. Chaino enlist non-union musicians.
Chaino beat them with whips until they create unique “Chaino Sound.”
Chaino mic drums from behind and add reverb. Make big noise. Chaino sacrifice
chicken on mixing board. Recording engineer not like this. He yell at Chaino.
Chaino get mad and cut his head off and shrink it. Chaino drink out of
shrunken head as he write these liner notes... Ha, ha, ha... Chaino laugh.
Chaino say you buy this record or he put voodoo spell on you. Chaino say you
go, buy it now!
Chaino
1969
Cover photo: Son of Chaino ©
1969 Head Hunted Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
sanctimonious
new york times
sex ape
dog pope costume
sex france gonzo
pisces please kill me
ms piggy porn
hairy balls
original gargoyle
libra whore
john candy and sleep apnea
Only 104 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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