"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 9
Brown Out
“Remember
me as an inept moron that got this job through connections and who was
responsible for the deaths of many.”
Michael Brown
Amid criticism of just doing a pathetic
(and I mean really pathetic) job, Michael Brown, hapless director of the
Federal Emergency Management Agency, is handing over Hurricane Katrina relief
duties to a Coast Guard official and returning to Washington to oversee the
national office.
“Other challenges and threats remain
around the world, and Brown is needed to prepare for those,” said some guy
from Homeland Security at a news conference in Baton Rouge.
Those "other challenges" will
include checking his nose every hour to make sure it’s
not runny or filled with boogers, as well as collecting the semen of Arabian
horses.
Asked ahead of the announcement if he was
being made a scapegoat, Brown told The Associated Press after a long pause:
"I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I hadn’t heard anything.
Officially, that is."
He then resorted to his can’t fail,
“it’s not my fault” speech, “I’m anxious to get back to D.C. to
correct all the inaccuracies and lies that are being said,” Brown said.
Yes, Mr. Brown is heading to Washington to
find the truth. Good luck, pal.
“I’m going to go walk my wife and hug
my dog,” he said, “this
story’s not about me. This story’s about the worst disaster of the history
and how I did a totally crap job responding. Well, okay, it’s partially
about me.”
Babs
Bush Damage Control
What I meant to say
was that I don’t care about those people…
Ah,
well then. So it turns out that Barbara Bush was actually making “a personal
observation” when she said poor people at a relocation center in Houston
were faring better than before Hurricane Katrina struck, President Bush's
spokesman said Wednesday.
Scott
McClellan, the White House press secretary, admitted that the old,
out-of-touch, racist battleaxe was “essentially saying what all the Bush’s
and all his administration personally feel. Oh, and also: black people are
lazy.”
The
former first lady, after touring the Astrodome complex in Houston on Monday,
said: “Oh God. What filthy savages. And would it kill them to smile? And now
they want to move to Texas? Not on my watch they won’t.”
McClellan,
at the White House briefing, said: “Look an errant cow!” And then ran off.
When cornered in the White House Can later on and asked if Bush agreed with
his mother, McClellan said: “Christ, I’m trying to pee.”
Hilary & Video Games
"Pass me the hand grenades, will you sweetie?"
It looks like all those years of being married to American’s horniest man
have finally rattled Hilary Clinton. She’s gotten herself into a real tizzy
over video games and is crusading like a demented zealot over Grand Theft
Auto. What’s whipped up her moral indignation is the revelation that there
are hidden sex scenes going on in the game. Of course, when it comes to sex
been hidden from her, Mrs. Clinton could write a book: It takes a village
– to satisfy my husband! I guess since Hilary can’t control Bill, she
figures the next best thing is to stop teenage boys playing with their
joysticks. Why can’t she act like other Democrat politicians and just be a Dull,
Earnest, Mostly Ordinary Creature Reiterating
Ambivalent Talk and leave the hysterics to those uptight radical
right wing fanatics. Now they know how to do moral outrage! To
be honest, this makes me want to drop an Acme Anvil on her head. But I’m
worried that might get her going on cartoon violence. And that’s my bread
and butter, baby!
Your Horoscope:
Aries: Go back to bed.
Taurus: There is no point in being too critical with yourself: That’s
what other people are for.
Gemini: Consider the mullet.
Cancer: See above.
Leo: This world sorely needs strong-willed people who are not afraid to
take on big responsibilities. Thankfully, that’s not you.
Virgo: Today you will find occasion to use the word “scrotum” in
many conversations.
Libra: You have the weaselish traits of a stoat and the cunning of an
ermine.
Scorpio: You will continue to view weasels as sneaky and treacherous
people.
Sagittarius: You will continue to view weasels as carnivorous mammals
of the genus Mustela.
Capricorn: You will continue to view weasels as stoats and ermines.
Aquarius: You will continue to view ermines as weasels.
Pisces: You will continue to view stoats as weasels.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise: Day 4 Without His Brain
Earlier this week, some
avenging Scientologists reportedly
broke into the Hollywood lair of vampire Tom Cruise and stole his brain.
”That’s what happens when you mess with us,” said Rayon 6, Scientology
theta master and flake, “we shared our secrets with Tom and he abandoned us
for vampirism. Well guess what, no one screws with the Scientologists!”
Rayon
6 has agreed to return Cruise’s brain if his list of demands are met. “Our
demands are complex and bizarre,” he said, first off, we want Tom to convert
10 Hollywood stars over to Scientology. And not the fringe weirdoes we already
have. Big names. Also, we want him to get over here and pick up Katie Holmes.
We don’t want her and we’re not sure why he left her here. And pretzels.
We could really use some pretzels.”
Cruise, for his part, isn’t sure what to
think because he no longer has a brain. His
lawyers are suggesting a counter offer that includes Tom’s sister and potato
chips.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
CHAINO
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Chaino On “Punching Out The Buddha”
2. Chaino’s Philosophy about Poisoning School Children
3. Chaino’s Theory Of The Noble Savage Pimp
4. Do The Chaino Growl (Or Else You Die!)
Side Two
1. What Chaino Did On His Summer Holiday (He Kill People!)
2. The Chaino Whip & Stab Dance Mix
3. Chaino On "Golf & How To Use The Clubs As Weapons"
4. Chaino Kills! (Recorded live at The Hollywood Bowl)
Chaino
proud musician. Chaino proud of his latest record. Yaghhhh! Chaino proud of
his ability to scream “Yaghhhh!”
Chaino recorded this album on limited budget. Chaino enlist non-union musicians.
Chaino beat them with whips until they create unique “Chaino Sound.”
Chaino mic drums from behind and add reverb. Make big noise. Chaino sacrifice
chicken on mixing board. Recording engineer not like this. He yell at Chaino.
Chaino get mad and cut his head off and shrink it. Chaino drink out of
shrunken head as he write these liner notes... Ha, ha, ha... Chaino laugh.
Chaino say you buy this record or he put voodoo spell on you. Chaino say you
go, buy it now!
Chaino
1969
Cover photo: Son of Chaino ©
1969 Head Hunted Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
sanctimonious
new york times
sex ape
dog pope costume
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pisces please kill me
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hairy balls
original gargoyle
libra whore
john candy and sleep apnea
Only 106 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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