 |
"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 6
Aussie Punches Out Shark
An Australian boozer
survived a great white shark attack by repeatedly punching the four-meter
(13-foot) creature as it mauled his arms and legs, while trying to steal his
pint of beer, witnesses and barflies said.
Jake
Heron, 40, was drinking in “The Bloody Beggar” on Monday, when he was
attacked by a thirsty shark looking to pick a fight and steal his drink.
“The shark came out of the washroom, it was drunk, and a nasty one, ya know,
only the way a drunk shark can get. It staggered up to Jake and it knocked him
to the bloody floor,” fellow drinker Andy Wadgooglie told reporters.
“Then the shark went at him some bleeding more, bloody Jake looked done for
until it tried to steal his pint. That got him right pissed,” he continued,
“it was one hell of a fight. Best I’ve seen I this pub in a long time.”
Heron is recovering in hospital after receiving 20 stitches in his arm and 40
stitches in his thigh. The shark is in critical condition and not expected to
survive the week.
The pubs in South Australia are
favorite hangouts of the feared great white. The sharks have been known to
steal drinks, force men to kiss each other and wave their knives in
tourist’s faces.
“They’re
a bloody menace,” said some Australian guy.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
CHAINO
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Chaino On “Punching Out The Buddha”
2. Chaino’s Philosophy about Poisoning School Children
3. Chaino’s Theory Of The Noble Savage Pimp
4. Do The Chaino Growl (Or Else You Die!)
Side Two
1. What Chaino Did On His Summer Holiday (He Kill People!)
2. The Chaino Whip & Stab Dance Mix
3. Chaino On "Golf & How To Use The Clubs As Weapons"
4. Chaino Kills! (Recorded live at The Hollywood Bowl)
Chaino
proud musician. Chaino proud of his latest record. Yaghhhh! Chaino proud of
his ability to scream “Yaghhhh!”
Chaino recorded this album on limited budget. Chaino enlist non-union musicians.
Chaino beat them with whips until they create unique “Chaino Sound.”
Chaino mic drums from behind and add reverb. Make big noise. Chaino sacrifice
chicken on mixing board. Recording engineer not like this. He yell at Chaino.
Chaino get mad and cut his head off and shrink it. Chaino drink out of
shrunken head as he write these liner notes... Ha, ha, ha... Chaino laugh.
Chaino say you buy this record or he put voodoo spell on you. Chaino say you
go, buy it now!
Chaino
1969
Cover photo: Son of Chaino ©
1969 Head Hunted Records
Hilary & Video Games
"Pass me the hand grenades, will you sweetie?"
It looks like all those years of being married to American’s horniest man
have finally rattled Hilary Clinton. She’s gotten herself into a real tizzy
over video games and is crusading like a demented zealot over Grand Theft
Auto. What’s whipped up her moral indignation is the revelation that there
are hidden sex scenes going on in the game. Of course, when it comes to sex
been hidden from her, Mrs. Clinton could write a book: It takes a village
– to satisfy my husband! I guess since Hilary can’t control Bill, she
figures the next best thing is to stop teenage boys playing with their
joysticks. Why can’t she act like other Democrat politicians and just be a Dull,
Earnest, Mostly Ordinary Creature Reiterating
Ambivalent Talk and leave the hysterics to those uptight radical
right wing fanatics. Now they know how to do moral outrage! To
be honest, this makes me want to drop an Acme Anvil on her head. But I’m
worried that might get her going on cartoon violence. And that’s my bread
and butter, baby!
Your Horoscope:
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
Money worries – or any worries come to that – must not be allowed to stop
you from pursuing your dream. And one day soon maybe you will be able to breed
a horse and a budgie. Hey, they laughed at the Wright Brothers, or so I’m
told.
Taurus: You
will continue to not get your shit together.
Gemini: See above.
Cancer: You will continue to view the odylic force as an alleged
force or natural power, supposed, by Reichenbach and others, to produce the
phenomena of mesmerism, and to be developed by various agencies, as by
magnets, heat, light, chemical or vital action.
Leo: An errant possum and your love of exotic hillbilly food come
together.
Virgo: Your intuition tells you nothing. It’s a sign. Now figure it
out.
Libra: You may know in your own mind what it is you want, but your
pants say, “gotta dance.”
Scorpio: You may not be at your best today. But then, you never really
are, are you?
Sagittarius: Your insecurity continues to grow. And so does that boil
on your neck.
Capricorn: Your pets continue to snigger at you.
Aquarius: Um, Aquarius, well, let’s see... Today, you will, think up
your own horoscope. (Sorry, it’s all I got.)
Pisces: There’s a constructive way to deal with your dilemmas, but
knowing you, you’ll just yell at everyone.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Scientologists
Steal Cruise’s Brain
Miffed that he abandoned them, the Church of Scientology is getting even with
Tom Cruise and reportedly broke into his Hollywood lair in the middle of the
day, pried open the coffin he was sleeping in and stole his brain.
”It’s ours and we wanted it back,” said Rayon 6, Scientology theta
master and weirdo, “when Tom left us for vampirism, we were angry, we were
shocked, we were upset, we were sleepy and after we got a nice rest, we
decided to take his brain. After all, it’s filled with all kinds of secrets
about Scientology and we don’t want the traitorous Tom to share them with
his vampire friends.”
Rayon 6 said he and his church members intend to wash the brain thoroughly,
“and then maybe we’ll give it back to him.”
Cruise, for his part, isn’t sure what to think because he doesn’t have a
brain.
”They stole his cranium,” said one of Cruise’s lawyers, “so he
doesn’t have a clue what to do. I suggested he sue, of course, but he just
mumbled like a lobotomized vampire. We’ll keep an eye on the situation and
get back to you. One thing that makes for a pleasant change is Tom is much
less talkative. That really is nice.”
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
sanctimonious
new york times
sex ape
dog pope costume
sex france gonzo
pisces please kill me
ms piggy porn
hairy balls
original gargoyle
libra whore
john candy and sleep apnea
Only 109 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
|
Send
this site to your friend! |  |
