"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 4
Hilary & Video Games
"Pass me the hand grenades, will you sweetie?"
It looks like all those years of being married to American’s horniest man
have finally rattled Hilary Clinton. She’s gotten herself into a real tizzy
over video games and is crusading like a demented zealot over Grand Theft
Auto. What’s whipped up her moral indignation is the revelation that there
are hidden sex scenes going on in the game. Of course, when it comes to sex
been hidden from her, Mrs. Clinton could write a book: It takes a village
– to satisfy my husband! I guess since Hilary can’t control Bill, she
figures the next best thing is to stop teenage boys playing with their
joysticks. Why can’t she act like other Democrat politicians and just be a Dull,
Earnest, Mostly Ordinary Creature Reiterating
Ambivalent Talk and leave the hysterics to those uptight radical
right wing fanatics. Now they know how to do moral outrage! To
be honest, this makes me want to drop an Acme Anvil on her head. But I’m
worried that might get her going on cartoon violence. And that’s my bread
and butter, baby!
Babies...
EXT.
PARK -- AFTERNOON
TWO
MEN with strollers sit down on a park bench. They
pick their babies up, look at each other’s and smile.
One:
How old is yours?
Two: Eight weeks. Yours?
One: Six weeks.
Two: Great age. I love them when their six weeks. Boy?
One: No girl.
Two: That's great. She's a real cutie.
One: Thanks. Yours too. Just adorable.
Two: Thanks... Wanna trade?
One: Sure.
They quickly switch babies and walk off.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
A new moon in the communication area of your chart means, well, to be honest,
nothing.
Taurus: A new moon in the area of your chart governs joint financial
urges and... No, a new moon means nothing.
Gemini: A new moon in your opposite sign of Virgo will mean whatever
you want it to. Because the fact is, it means nothing.
Cancer: A new moon at the midheaven angle of your chart will bring out
your leadership qualities, or even more likely, it will do nothing.
Leo: A new moon in the area of your chart denotes that your luck is on
the turn. For good or bad? We’re not saying because the truth is a new moon
in your chart means nothing.
Virgo: A new moon in your communication area means pretty much the same
thing as the new moon in Aries communication area.
Libra: Pluto, ruler of your new moon and rampant flatulence notes that
the new moon in your chart means nothing and that you just cut one.
Scorpio: See above.
Sagittarius: Whatever else you do today, ignore the new moon.
Capricorn: The new moon in your sex chart, wait, sex chart? Let me get
back to you on this...
Aquarius: Oh wow man, look; it’s the new moon.
Pisces: The moon in your chart will blah, blah, blah...
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
More on Tom Cruise
Vampire Cookbook
Newly converted vampire, Tommy Cruiser’s
new cook book, “The Cruiser’s Vampire Cook Book” has pre-sold over 500
million copies making it the best selling book ever. Eat your festering heart
out, Harry Potter.
The book is filled with Tom’s favorite blood sucking recipes from around the
world.
It’s out next week, but until then, here are a
few more previews for you undead corpses:
Tom’s Special Blood Burgers
1 nicely ground human corpse
1 egg
½ tsp salt
½ tsp pepper
A nice dollop of Worchester Sauce
Mix all ingredients in bowl. Heat frying pan to medium heat and form corpse
patties. Cook until brown on each side. Enjoy with glass of room temperature
blood.
* Note from Tom: Remember to never include garlic.
I want to suck your...blood
Here’s Tom's Blood Muffins:
Chocolate Banana Blood Muffins
2 cups all purpose flour
½ cup cocoa powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup brown sugar
5 cups blood of a fresh corpse
In big bowl stir together. Pour into muffin cups. Bake in oven at 425 for 15
minutes. Remember to stay out of sun at not to hang crucifixes in kitchen (or
house, for that matter).
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Arnold Stang's Waggish Tales
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1.
The Tale of The Repressed Misfit
2. Arnold And The Three Chicago Bears
3. Arnold’s Adventure In Strongman Land
4. Jack’s Big, Erect, Beanstalk
Side Two
1. Arnold’s Cautionary Tale of Meeting at
Public Washrooms
2. The Fairy And Hercules
3. The Crowing Cock
4. Arnold And The Seven Dwarves
He’s not as creepy as a
shopping store Santa, and unless you’re built like Atlas, he won’t get all
grabby.
He’s the voice of Top Cat
and he used to let Victor Mature take him home for weekends. Really! He’s
Arnold Stang and he’s got waggish tales to tell!
So sit back, close your
eyes and listen to Arnold’s quirky tales of big strong men and their oiled
muscles. If it’s a hilarious, mixed up adventure about an Adonis with a
chiseled chest and tight pelvis you’re looking for, then you can count on
Arnold to make it come alive! Lonely moms with an itch to scratch and certain
types of single uncles can also appreciate Arnold’s record as well.
Arnold’s always been a disappointment. He’s just like his father.
Oh well, I suppose it could be worse... He could be Italian.
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom
Cover photo:
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom © 1969 Don’t Spare The Rod Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
prince
charles toothpaste
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i elmo am gay
codependent enabler
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karl rove sex
katie holmes rat teeth
golf head covers bride and groom
bong ceramic gargoyle
20
year old puncture wound is still painful
Only 111 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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