"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 3
Beautiful Loser
Tax lawyer, Richard Westin, who is being sued for allegedly
defrauding famed singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen hasn’t admitted his guilt
but has asked that people consider this noble truth of the Buddha: If a
millionaire poet lives on a mountain with his head
in the clouds while washing his master’s feet, isn’t he just begging to
get ripped off?
Babies...
EXT.
PARK -- AFTERNOON
TWO
MEN with strollers sit down on a park bench. They
pick their babies up, look at each other’s and smile.
One:
How old is yours?
Two: Eight weeks. Yours?
One: Six weeks.
Two: Great age. I love them when their six weeks. Boy?
One: No girl.
Two: That's great. She's a real cutie.
One: Thanks. Yours too. Just adorable.
Two: Thanks... Wanna trade?
One: Sure.
They quickly switch babies and walk off.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Another day, another dullard.
Taurus: There may come a day in this crazy world when things make
sense. Meanwhile you’ll just have to keep reminding yourself that those
crazy clowns exploding in front of you are just hallucinations.
Gemini: It may feel as if you are being picked on for no good reason,
but trust us, there is one.
Cancer: Pluto, planet of failed diets leads you to an “All You Can
Eat” Ice Cream Store.
Leo: Your love of hippies continues to sadden your parents.
Virgo: You are thinking far too much about a matter that is best
forgotten. Here’s a tip, grab a hammer and start smacking it over your head.
In no time flat, you’ll have forgotten all kinds of stuff.
Libra: Situations that once seemed hopeless now seem abysmal.
Scorpio: You will continue to view muffins as small, cup-shaped quick
breads.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Pluto, planet of hard to reach itches, does stuff that
affects you.
Aquarius: There may come a day in this crazy world when things make
sense. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Uncle Jack and Aunt Possum are ready to
draw cards and play dead.
Pisces: With this new lunar month you will discover that shit really does
happen.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
More on Tom Cruise
Vampire Cookbook
Newly converted
vampire, Tommy Cruiser is peddling a cook book. It’s called “The
Cruiser’s Vampire Cook Book” and it’s filled with Tom’s favorite
vampire recipes from around the world. Even non-vampires might be tempted by
some of these dishes!
Here are a few
more previews for you undead corpses:
Chocolate Banana Blood Muffins
2 cups all purpose flour
½ cup cocoa powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup brown sugar
5 cups blood of a fresh corpse
In big bowl stir together. Pour into muffin cups. Bake in oven at 425 for 15
minutes. Remember to stay out of sun at not to hang crucifixes in kitchen (or
house, for that matter).
I want to suck your...blood
Here’s Tom's famous Hungarian Ghoulish
Vamp Dish:
Hungarian
Ghoulish Vamp Dish
¼ cup flour
2 green onions
1 can tomatoes
1 fist full of noodles
1 cup blood of a virgin
The ground meat from a corpse
Mix flour, onions, tomatoes, cup of blood, ground meat of corpse in saucepan
at low heat for 2 hours. Boil noodles. Combine. Avoid crosses and getting
stake through chest
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Arnold Stang's Waggish Tales
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1.
The Tale of The Repressed Misfit
2. Arnold And The Three Chicago Bears
3. Arnold’s Adventure In Strongman Land
4. Jack’s Big, Erect, Beanstalk
Side Two
1. Arnold’s Cautionary Tale of Meeting at
Public Washrooms
2. The Fairy And Hercules
3. The Crowing Cock
4. Arnold And The Seven Dwarves
He’s not as creepy as a
shopping store Santa, and unless you’re built like Atlas, he won’t get all
grabby.
He’s the voice of Top Cat
and he used to let Victor Mature take him home for weekends. Really! He’s
Arnold Stang and he’s got waggish tales to tell!
So sit back, close your
eyes and listen to Arnold’s quirky tales of big strong men and their oiled
muscles. If it’s a hilarious, mixed up adventure about an Adonis with a
chiseled chest and tight pelvis you’re looking for, then you can count on
Arnold to make it come alive! Lonely moms with an itch to scratch and certain
types of single uncles can also appreciate Arnold’s record as well.
Arnold’s always been a disappointment. He’s just like his father.
Oh well, I suppose it could be worse... He could be Italian.
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom
Cover photo:
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom © 1969 Don’t Spare The Rod Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
prince
charles toothpaste
farm sex sperm hand
i elmo am gay
codependent enabler
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karl rove sex
katie holmes rat teeth
golf head covers bride and groom
bong ceramic gargoyle
20
year old puncture wound is still painful
Only 112 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
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