"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 2
Babies...
EXT.
PARK -- AFTERNOON
TWO
MEN with strollers sit down on a park bench. They
pick their babies up, look at each other’s and smile.
One:
How old is yours?
Two: Eight weeks. Yours?
One: Six weeks.
Two: Great age. I love them when their six weeks. Boy?
One: No girl.
Two: That's great. She's a real cutie.
One: Thanks. Yours too. Just adorable.
Two: Thanks... Wanna trade?
One: Sure.
They quickly switch babies and walk off.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Much that is getting ready to happen to you depends on what you wear.
Taurus: Sit quietly and ponder all the good things in life. Done? Okay,
now get back to work.
Gemini: You have something to be very proud of. However the rest of the
world isn’t as impressed with your cold sore.
Cancer: If you’re expecting a straightforward answers today then you
are much like Goldilocks. Not that three bears will have anything to do with
the equation, nor that there is an actual equation per say. Perhaps Goldilocks
is the wrong metaphor, or is that simile? No, no, metaphor is right...
Speaking of metaphors – see below.
Leo: You will continue to view metaphors as figures of speech in which
a word or phrase that ordinarily designates one thing is used to designate
another.
Virgo: Mars in your sign opposes Uranus, planet of upheaval. Fight!
Fight! Fight!
Libra: Venus, your ruler and planet of stale sandwiches, is not only
transiting your sign but also scoffing at your haircut.
Scorpio: You have the gumption of a peanut and the head of a... That’s
right, peanut.
Sagittarius: You will continue to stalk the Cookie Monster.
Capricorn: It is not your job to convert other people – it is your
religion to convert other people. So get out there and convert pother people!
Aquarius: You continue to be a wise ass.
Pisces: This is one of those days when no matter how carefully you plan,
nothing will work out. It’s called “Friday.”
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
More on Tom Cruise
Vampire Cookbook
Newly rejected
Scientologist and newly converted vampire, Tommy Cruiser has a new book. No,
it’s not about suing people and his adventures in “litigious land.”
It’s “The Cruiser’s Vampire Cook Book” and it’s chock full of
vampire related food and human sacrifice based meals.
Yes, the cookbook contains Tom’s favorite vampire recipes from around the
world. And some of them he even cooks himself! Here are a few more previews
for you undead corpses:
Hungarian Ghoulish Vamp Dish
¼ cup flour
2 green onions
1 can tomatoes
1 fist full of noodles
1 cup blood of a virgin
The ground meat from a corpse
Mix flour, onions, tomatoes, cup of blood, ground meat of corpse in saucepan
at low heat for 2 hours. Boil noodles. Combine. Avoid crosses and getting
stake through chest
I want to suck your...blood
Here’s Tom's famous Human Skewers ala
Count Vlad.
Human Skewers ala Count Vlad
¼ cup soy sauce
2 green onions
1 tbsp ground ginger
5 – 10 human sacrifices
Mix soy sauce, green onions and ground ginger. Place human stakes in yard and
impale victims on them. Pore sauce over them and let sit in broiling sun for a
couple of days.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Arnold Stang's Waggish Tales
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1.
The Tale of The Repressed Misfit
2. Arnold And The Three Chicago Bears
3. Arnold’s Adventure In Strongman Land
4. Jack’s Big, Erect, Beanstalk
Side Two
1. Arnold’s Cautionary Tale of Meeting at
Public Washrooms
2. The Fairy And Hercules
3. The Crowing Cock
4. Arnold And The Seven Dwarves
He’s not as creepy as a
shopping store Santa, and unless you’re built like Atlas, he won’t get all
grabby.
He’s the voice of Top Cat
and he used to let Victor Mature take him home for weekends. Really! He’s
Arnold Stang and he’s got waggish tales to tell!
So sit back, close your
eyes and listen to Arnold’s quirky tales of big strong men and their oiled
muscles. If it’s a hilarious, mixed up adventure about an Adonis with a
chiseled chest and tight pelvis you’re looking for, then you can count on
Arnold to make it come alive! Lonely moms with an itch to scratch and certain
types of single uncles can also appreciate Arnold’s record as well.
Arnold’s always been a disappointment. He’s just like his father.
Oh well, I suppose it could be worse... He could be Italian.
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom
Cover photo:
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom © 1969 Don’t Spare The Rod Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
prince
charles toothpaste
farm sex sperm hand
i elmo am gay
codependent enabler
tymoshenko nude
karl rove sex
katie holmes rat teeth
golf head covers bride and groom
bong ceramic gargoyle
20
year old puncture wound is still painful
Only 113 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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