"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 1
George and Dick Get New Looks
Rising gas prices and ongoing bloodshed in Iraq
continue to take their toll on President Bush, whose standing with the public
has sunk to an all-time low, according to the latest Washington Post-ABC News
poll.
The president has responded to these
criticisms with an image overhaul.
“Huh, huh, huh, huh,” said Bush to the
dumbfounded press corps, “I got a new image because my lack of popularity
totally sucks.”
”Totally,” added Vice President Cheney.
When asked what he planned to do about the war, gas prices and relief for
victims of Hurricane Katrina, the president replied, “Huh, huh, huh, his
name is Dick,” he laughed while pointing at Cheney, “that’s funny,
it’s dick. You get it?”
Not to be outdone, Mr. Cheney jumped into the fray, “Huh, huh, huh, yeah.
But your name is Bush. I’d rather be a dick than bush. And you know what
dick does to bush.”
“Huh, huh, huh,” the president
acknowledged.
”I like this new image,” said one reporter, “he seems more focused and a
lot smarter. This could really work for the president.”
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Hungover again, huh?
Taurus: This will be a hectic day and will affect all areas of your
chart from the personal to the business to the financial. And when it’s all
over you won’t have a friend, job, or a spare dime.
Gemini: You will continue to view lemurs as small arboreal, mostly
nocturnal primates chiefly of the family Lemuridae of Madagascar and adjacent
islands, having large eyes, a long slim muzzle, and a long tail.
Cancer: You have the costume of a lion tamer and the car of a circus
clown.
Leo: Are you living in a fairy tale or enduring in a soap opera filled
with melodrama? Why not do both? You could be Jessica Albie III, rich, single
businesswoman who owns all the magic elves that cobble her shoes and who must
on occasion crush them when they try and form unions. Sounds good, huh?
Virgo: You will find reasons to question something that you have always
taken for granted and what you discover will force you to rethink your opinion
on a number of matters. I mean, if there really isn’t a Santa Claus
then who leaves the presents? Who drinks the juice and cookies you left? And
why so many of them in shopping malls? Take
a warm glass of milk and go back to bed. You’ve got some serious questions
to ponder.
Libra: What you need more than anything right now is a large dose of
realism. Ahem, See above.
Scorpio: So may choices. What do you do? Vacillate? Perambulate? Or
Oscillate?
Sagittarius: There’s no point planning the day ahead of you because
you just got up and it’s practically over.
Capricorn: If you find yourself tied to the rack of indecision then
maybe it’s best you start naming names.
Aquarius: The sky is on your side. Hey, at least something’s on
your side.
Pisces: Patience is a virtue, but it’s not something you have a lot of.
Funny story behind that... Oh, okay, sorry, I’ll cut to the chase. Today you
will forget to feed your cat.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
More on Tom Cruise
Vampire Cookbook
In
a wise career move Tom Cruise has rejected Scientology and taken vampirism.
Diving right into vampirical delights the blood-sucking Tom is about to
release “The Cruiser’s Vampire Cook Book.”
We’re all a titter about it over here.
The cookbook contains Tom’s favorite vampire recipes from around the world.
And some of them look tres yummy and word is that Tom’s fan base of
blood drinking corpses is just dying to try them out. Here are a few more
previews:
Human Skewers ala Count Vlad
¼ cup soy sauce
2 green onions
1 tbsp ground ginger
5 – 10 human sacrifices
Mix soy sauce, green onions and ground ginger. Place human stakes in yard and
impale victims on them. Pore sauce over them and let sit in broiling sun for a
couple of days.
I want to suck your...blood
Here’s Tom's famous Undead Crepes.
Undead
Crepes
1
cup all purpose flour
1 egg, beaten
1 cup milk
I tsp vegetable oil
1 human victim
Mix flour, egg and milk and beat to smooth batter. Beat human victim and tie
up in chair. Heat oil in pan. Spread batter on thinly. While waiting for
crepes, drink human victims blood.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Arnold Stang's Waggish Tales
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1.
The Tale of The Repressed Misfit
2. Arnold And The Three Chicago Bears
3. Arnold’s Adventure In Strongman Land
4. Jack’s Big, Erect, Beanstalk
Side Two
1. Arnold’s Cautionary Tale of Meeting at
Public Washrooms
2. The Fairy And Hercules
3. The Crowing Cock
4. Arnold And The Seven Dwarves
He’s not as creepy as a
shopping store Santa, and unless you’re built like Atlas, he won’t get all
grabby.
He’s the voice of Top Cat
and he used to let Victor Mature take him home for weekends. Really! He’s
Arnold Stang and he’s got waggish tales to tell!
So sit back, close your
eyes and listen to Arnold’s quirky tales of big strong men and their oiled
muscles. If it’s a hilarious, mixed up adventure about an Adonis with a
chiseled chest and tight pelvis you’re looking for, then you can count on
Arnold to make it come alive! Lonely moms with an itch to scratch and certain
types of single uncles can also appreciate Arnold’s record as well.
Arnold’s always been a disappointment. He’s just like his father.
Oh well, I suppose it could be worse... He could be Italian.
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom
Cover photo:
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom © 1969 Don’t Spare The Rod Records
Meet The Reapers
INT.
CLASSROOM -- DAY
MR.
HENDERSON conducts a parent-teacher interview with MR. REAPER and MRS. REAPER.
Mr. Reaper carries a sickle and is dressed in traditional black robe,
while Mrs. Reaper is in "normal" attire.
Mr. Henderson paces nervously.
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, Mr. & Mrs. Reaper, here's the grade three classroom,
there's Grim Jr.'s little desk...He's a good boy, a little intense,
but...well, thank-you for coming...
MRS
REAPER: We are just so thrilled to be here.
My husband and I think it's very important to take an active role in
our son's education. Not enough
parents do nowadays, don't you agree?
MR.
HENDERSON: Actually, I'm sort of into the whole...parents shouldn't have to
come to the school, ever...movement that's been really been picking up steam.
MRS
REAPER: So how is Grim Jr. doing in class, Mr. Henderson?
Is he keeping up with his schoolwork?
MR.
HENDERSON: Oh yes, he's very bright...his Latin is almost eerie.
MRS
REAPER: He gets that from his father. Doesn't
he, honey?
MR.
HENDERSON: He just works those boney fingers to the bone.
Ha ha ha... Care for a
cocktail?
Henderson
pulls a bottle out from desk drawer.
MRS
REAPER: No, thank-you.
MR.
HENDERSON: I know it's a bit early, but what the hell...
He
drinks. Mr. Reaper points at a
finger painting hanging on the wall.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): That? Yes,
that's Grim Jr.'s finger painting. He
called it, "Portrait of a Death Foretold" the caretakers been on
indefinite leave ever since the unveiling.
MRS
REAPER: He's such a little scamp. Does
he get along with the other children?
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, they are a little apprehensive around him.
MRS
REAPER: Apprehensive?
MR.
HENDERSON: Apprehensive. Terrified,
petrified, run away screaming, wet their pants.
You know how kids are.
MRS
REAPER: But have you noticed anything odd about Grim's behaviour?
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, he does tend to emit low, guttural moans.
MRS
REAPER: Maybe it's a cry for help.
MR.
HENDERSON: I don't think so. I've
heard lots of them from the other children.
MRS
REAPER: You know, his dad wanted to educate him at home.
MR.
HENDERSON: Great idea! There's a
lot to be said for that.
Mrs.
Reaper takes Mr. Henderson aside.
MRS
REAPER: The reason I ask about Grim Jr.'s behaviour is because...things
haven't been so "honky dory" at home.
We seem to be drifting apart. We
just don't have anything in common any more.
I want to make new friends, he wants to kill the ones we have.
I want a puppy, he wants to...well, you get the idea.
I'm just afraid it might be affecting the boy.
MR.
HENDERSON: I had no idea. I'm
sorry.
MRS
REAPER: (getting emotional) He's become so distant.
We haven't had sex in three months.
MR.
HENDERSON: And that bothers you? Why
is your husband pointing at me?
MRS
REAPER: He thinks you're poisoning Grim Jr.'s mind.
MR.
HENDERSON: Nonsense. I have
nothing to do with his mind. I'm
a teacher.
MRS
REAPER: Don't you point at Mr. Henderson, Grim.
It's not his fault our marriage is in trouble.
MR.
HENDERSON: Now let's not get hubby upset.
We don't want him flying off the handle.
He
takes another drink. Mrs. Reaper
begins to sob.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): Hey, Reaper, your wife is pretty upset over here...
MRS
REAPER: I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson, I didn't mean to lose control like this.
It's just...
MR.
HENDERSON: That's alright. Look,
Reaper, can I call you Reap? I
really don't know you, and I'd just as soon keep it that way...
Mr.
Henderson laughs alone.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): Boy, what a stiff...
Anyway, my point is that I've been teaching for a good many years, and
I've seen a lot of marriages fall apart.
My own, for example. And
believe me, nine times out of ten the problem is a lack of communication.
Talk to your wife, Reaper. Express
your fears, your dreams. Better
yet, go away on a vacation. I
hear Mexico's due for some earthquakes. And why not try a little image overhaul while you're at it?
Wear something with a pattern, try a Hawaiian shirt, tell the odd joke.
Lose the macho crap, learn to cry.
And another thing...I'm drunk and I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
MRS
REAPER: Please, Grim, listen to Mr. Henderson.
Let's take a vacation...fall in love all over again.
Mr.
Reaper nods.
MRS
REAPER (CONT'D): Oh Honey! Thank-you,
Mr. Henderson.
MR.
HENDERSON: Not a problem.
MRS
REAPER: How can we ever repay you?
MR.
HENDERSON: Did I mention my ex-wife? Another
joke. Ha ha.
Sorry I was a little rough on you there Grim, no hard feelings, huh?
Mr.
Reaper extends his hand. Henderson
shakes it and falls to the ground dead.
MRS
REAPER: Well, that went well. Let's
go see the gym teacher next.
They
exit.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
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(really!)
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year old puncture wound is still painful
Only 114 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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