"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 29
Good To Be Back!
Also... Happy To Not Be Dead...
I've been gone and now I'm back. It's that simple and
complex.
Much like me and you.
Hey folks, it's an out of order Japanese Haiku...
And just in time, I might add...
Okay... I'm still not sure if all is all and well with publishing, but...
Dating Resume
INT. OFFICE -- DAY
Nancy and Jerry sit at a
conference table, she is reviewing a file.
NANCY: Well Jerry, your resume
looks very good. There is a typo on the second page however.
JERRY: Really?
NANCY: There's only one "s" in
intercourse.
JERRY: Oh, right. Sorry about
that.
NANCY: That's alright. We can
overlook it. Now I have a few questions.
JERRY: Of course...fire away.
NANCY: It says here that your
last relationship was three years long, but there is no indication of why you
left.
JERRY: Well, to be honest,I
felt that things with Julie -- my previous girlfriend -- had become static and
that I needed to take on new challenges...I don't like complacency, and wasn't
crazy about her mother, and I think that one must constantly be trying to
achieve more.
NANCY: I see...
JERRY: It's not that I'm
fickle...it just wasn't the right relationship for me.
NANCY: And it took you three
years to determine that?
JERRY: I tried to make things
work...I don't run away from problems.
NANCY: Okay, and what
experience did you gain?
JERRY: (points at resume)
Well, the intercourse was a big part of the job. I was also responsible for
emotional support and companionship. I cut back on my drinking, learned to cook
and am certainly more tender and caring than I was. I think that's a big plus
for any woman who takes me on.
NANCY: I see... Now before
your last relationship you had a series of brief encounters.
JERRY: Yes...Now I know that
may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a lot of different
opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for
someone full time Jerry. I want someone who can put in the long hours.
JERRY: Well once again I draw
your attention to the intercourse section on page 2.
NANCY: I don't know that this
is time for jokes, Jerry.
JERRY: I apologize. I'm
nervous.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for a
man with confidence. Now, quite frankly I am concerned about this homosexual
relationship in 83...
JERRY: I'm a bit of a risk
taker Nancy, but I feel that's one of my strong points. I decided to try that
option but after an isolated few dozen incidents I quickly discovered that it
wasn't for me.
NANCY: I don't know Jerry,
you're all over the map. It seems to me that you're just the sort of
relationship I'm trying to stay away from. Look at this, 3 months here, a
weekend there, 45 minutes in the bathroom at your office Christmas party. And
I've checked your references and I must say, there are some pretty bitter people
in your past.
JERRY: I think if you give me
a chance you'll see that I've matured.
NANCY: I'm sorry but I don't
think so Jerry. Thank you for coming in.
JERRY: Please, give me a
chance.
NANCY: Jerry. There's no
point. I've got 50 more men to see this afternoon and each one of them is more
qualified, able and, frankly, attractive. (swhe rises) Now good afternoon.
JERRY: Nancy please. I need
this relationship. I haven't had one in almost two years and I'm desperate.
NANCY: (sits) Pardon me?
JERRY: I'm desperate.
NANCY: You didn't mention that
on the resume.
JERRY: It's not a popular
quality.
NANCY: Well that depends...
JERRY: Please, I really need
this relationship and I'll do whatever it takes.
NANCY: Alright Jerry, I get
the idea. There's something about your pathetic groveling that makes me think I
can work with you and, what the hell... you've got the relationship. I just
want you to know that you will be expected to adore me...not an easy task, ha
ha. Plus I will want comfort, support and understanding. There will be
interaction with my family and I'll expect you to maintain an apartment until
such time as I deem you suitable to live with. Sex will be three times a week
and I want you to cut your hair and work on your sense of humour, any questions?
JERRY: Just about the
sex...missionary, or will I be required to...?
NANCY: Mild kink with a touch
of role play. Nothing violent but a tad dangerous. I don't climax easily so be
prepared to work. (shakes his hand) Congratulations.
JERRY: Thanks.
Your Horoscope.
Aries : More tomorrow... Or soon!
Taurus : Your need to widen your circle of friends becomes glaringly apparent when your kettle dies and you breakdown and mourn for it. Consider hanging out with other appliances.
Gemini: Solar and planetary activity in one of the more nebulous parts of your charts leads to all kinds of ambivalence.
Cancer: You will continue to view sprogs as frogs’ spawns.
Leo: You, on the other hand will continue to view sprogs as new military recruits.
Virgo: The old always gives way to the new no matter how tightly we hold onto the past. Gee, I never thought of that.
Libra: Today will be the last time that you ever say, “Hey, watch me dangle from this bridge.”
Scorpio: Sometimes you can be a bit too reticent for your own good. Any thoughts on this you’d like to share? No? Okay...
Sagittarius: What you once wanted will no longer make you happy. But don’t despair, in 30 years or so that clean diaper dream will once again live.
Capricorn: You need to adopt a more practical attitude toward golf attire. Yeah, like that will ever happen!
Aquarius: See below.
Pisces: See above.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
MORE SOON!
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gopher show
gum boils
polish hairy moustaches in pictures
leather wife
german haemorrhoid cream
milton berle's penis
french tourism campaign
big breasted granny
are the bernstein bears jewish
sodomizing ventriloquists
Photos of Happier Days
for George
A few shots of George in happier times. You remember them, when he could get
away with all that crap he pulls. Ah, memories...
We both agreed that while it was cute, the hat made him look like an even bigger
buffoon.
Say what you want about George, at least he cleans up real good!
Feeling Frisky! I was
sorry to see George rinse out the red. We had a big fight and he got all musical
and sang, “I’m gonna wash that red ant right out of my hair.” He’s such a drama
queen – and lousy president.
Our comedy act at The
White House Dinner.
Him: Hey Avery, who was that woman I saw you with last night?
Me: Shut the hell up you imbecile!
(Hold for big laughs and applause)
Yet another picture of
George lying to the nation while I hump the back of his head. Hey, whatever
gets you through the night!
Only 56
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
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