Avery, on The Meaning of Life:

"Remember kids, it’s only funny until someone loses an ideology."

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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."


Partisan Broadcasting Service

The Republican campaign to quash public broadcasting's "liberal slant" is complete. Radical programming changes are set to commence and Republicans are delighted that they will now have a real impact in shaping the wee minds of unsuspecting television viewers.

Here is the new conservative-friendly PBS morning line-up.  

7:00 AM.  Arthur Loves Everyone: Except Queers, Minorities and Welfare Bums

Arthur Read, the spectacular bespectacled aardvark is getting tired of all the left-wing and colorful animal cohorts who get in his way of making money and who pollute the world with their misguided liberalism. Arthur’s still friendly: it’s just that he’s more choosey about who his friends are.

7:30 AM. Tinky Winky: The Teletubbie In Hell
 

That cute little deviant Tinky Winky is roasting in Hell for his sins and for all to see. Sample dialogue: “Oooooh, hot. Pitchfork. Sinner. Repent homosexual! Repent! Repent!”

8:00 AM. Barney and his CIA Dino Friends

Think one of your neighbours might be a terrorist? Don’t trust that lady in the burqa? Afraid your parents might be dope-smoking Democrat pagans? Then dial 242-3466 (CIA DINO) and squeal on them. Come on kids, Barney says, “It’s fun to rat people out.” Remember his catchy song:

I hate them, be like me
Everywhere there’s conspiracy...

8:30 AM. The Bernstein Bears Renounce Their Jewish Faith

Oi vey! Those Jewish Bernstein Bears have finally discovered that their religious beliefs are “completely wrong.”  It’s 30 fun-filled minutes of the Bears converting to Christianity. Today’s episode: Papa Bear wonders how he can undo his circumcision.

9:00 AM. Calliou – Canadian, French, and Not To Be Trusted

La petite boy and froggy Canuckian lives with a mad cow and his ignorant parents who are gay and married. Being Canadian is now a cautionary tale. Watch out kids – it could happen to you!

9:30 AM. Clifford the Big Right God 

Clifford is no longer a friendly and helpful dog. He’s now an unforgiving and cruel deity. And if you’re a little heathen and don’t go to your Christian church then Clifford is sending you straight to Hell once you die. Which really can’t be soon enough as far he’s concerned. Not everything on the show has been retooled. Clifford’s still as big as a house... Let’s say, oh, The White House.

10:00 AM. The Sesame Street Common Sense Hour

The times they are a changing on Sesame Street . Bert and Ernie have finally found God and wives, Big Bird wants you to join the army and the previous spirit of “fun and learning” has been replaced with “conservative values and shame."

11:00 AM. Uncle Dick Cheney’s Reading Hour 

New to the Partisan Broadcast Service is Uncle Dick Cheney’s TV show for kids. Each day Uncle Dick reads to the rug rats from a book that he will later burn. Today, it’s Harry Potter – tomorrow, The 9/11 Commission Report.

Meanwhile...

   Ten Men Who Can’t Do Drag

   The Monsters That Tucked Me In 

   Satan’s New Image

  The 12 Strange Faces of Jesus  

   Liner Notes From Bad Albums

   Twisted Toys In The Attic

   Movie Monsters From Way Back

   What to say in a Job Interview  

   Journals of Leon Schlesinger  

   Powerful Superwomen  

   Top Ten Books of Summer 2005  

   Fashion Faux Pas

Last Christmas is so 2005...


Only 67 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

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