"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
Partisan
Broadcasting Service
The
Republican campaign to quash public broadcasting's "liberal slant"
is complete. Radical programming changes are set to commence and Republicans
are delighted that they will now have a real impact in shaping the wee minds
of unsuspecting television viewers.
Here
is the new conservative-friendly PBS morning line-up.
7:00
AM.
Arthur Loves Everyone: Except Queers, Minorities and Welfare Bums
Arthur Read, the spectacular bespectacled aardvark is getting tired
of all the left-wing and colorful animal cohorts who get in his way of making
money and who pollute the world with their misguided liberalism. Arthur’s
still friendly: it’s just that he’s more choosey about who his friends
are.
7:30 AM. Tinky Winky: The Teletubbie In Hell
That
cute little deviant Tinky Winky is roasting in Hell for his sins and for all
to see. Sample dialogue: “Oooooh, hot. Pitchfork. Sinner. Repent
homosexual! Repent! Repent!”
8:00 AM. Barney and his CIA Dino Friends
Think one of your neighbours might be a terrorist?
Don’t trust that lady in the burqa? Afraid your parents might be
dope-smoking Democrat pagans? Then dial 242-3466 (CIA DINO) and squeal on
them. Come on kids, Barney says, “It’s fun to rat people out.”
Remember his catchy song:
I
hate them, be like me
Everywhere there’s conspiracy...
8:30 AM. The Bernstein Bears Renounce Their Jewish Faith
Oi vey! Those Jewish Bernstein Bears have
finally discovered that their religious beliefs are “completely wrong.”
It’s 30 fun-filled minutes of the Bears converting to Christianity.
Today’s episode: Papa Bear wonders how he can undo his circumcision.
9:00 AM. Calliou – Canadian, French, and Not To Be
Trusted
La petite boy and froggy Canuckian lives with a mad cow
and his ignorant parents who are gay and married. Being Canadian is now
a cautionary tale. Watch out kids – it could happen to you!
9:30
AM. Clifford the Big Right God
Clifford is no longer a friendly and helpful dog.
He’s now an unforgiving and cruel deity. And if you’re a little heathen
and don’t go to your Christian church then Clifford is sending you straight
to Hell once you die. Which really can’t be soon enough as far he’s
concerned. Not everything on the show has been retooled. Clifford’s still as
big as a house... Let’s say, oh, The White House.
10:00
AM. The
Sesame Street
Common Sense Hour
The times they are a changing on
Sesame Street
. Bert and Ernie have finally found God and wives, Big Bird wants you to join
the army and the previous spirit of “fun and learning” has been replaced
with “conservative values and shame."
11:00 AM. Uncle Dick Cheney’s Reading Hour
New
to the Partisan Broadcast Service is Uncle Dick Cheney’s TV show for kids.
Each day Uncle Dick reads to the rug rats from a book that he will later burn.
Today, it’s Harry Potter – tomorrow, The 9/11 Commission Report.
Meanwhile...
Ten Men Who
Can’t Do Drag
The
Monsters That Tucked Me In
Satan’s New Image
The 12
Strange Faces of Jesus
 Liner
Notes From Bad Albums
Twisted
Toys In The Attic
 Movie
Monsters From Way Back
What
to say in a Job Interview
Journals of Leon
Schlesinger
Powerful
Superwomen
 Top
Ten Books of Summer 2005
Fashion Faux
Pas
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 67 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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