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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 19
Katie Couric Interviews Karen Hughes
Karen Hughes has
recently taken office as Undersecretary for Public Diplomacy, a job aimed at
trying to improve America’s relations with the Arab world. Good luck with
that, sister! Here’s a rather pointless interview with “Today” show’s Katie
Couric who started out by asking about the chilly reception Supreme Court
nominee Harriet Miers has received.
Karen Hughes:
Well, I can't speak for others... Oh what the hell, I will. They’re all jealous
old farts and uptight Christians. I know Harriet well. She is not, I repeat not,
a flesh eating zombie. I know I started that rumour, but now I regret it. Hah,
although I have heard she is a corpse eating ghoul. Did you know that ghouls are
evil spirits from Muslim folklore?
Katie Couric:
Um, no.
Hughes:
Of course not, that’s
because you’re ignorant. And annoying. You’re very, very, annoying, Katie.
Couric:
Hey, even I know
that.
Let me ask
you, I know you're not at liberty to talk about the investigation into the CIA
leaks, but do it anyway. What’s the dirt on Rove?
Hughes: Well, as you know, it's an ongoing investigation and
Karl Rove is a tubby rat. He’s guilty as sin. And so is Dick, and Tom, and,
well, all of them. It's business as usual in the White House; that is, in terms
of conducting the nation's business. Which is all about their greedy
self-interest.
Couric:
Cool!
Let me ask you about the vote on the Iraqi
constitution, if I could.
(Long Pause)
Hughes:
Um, what about it?
Couric: Don’t
you think it’s great?
Hughes:
Other than all the voter fraud, intimidation, loss of life and property. Sure.
Couric:
Oh, right! Things
may be progressing politically, but the violence is getting worse and worse.
September was the bloodiest month in a year — 1,967 U.S. service men and women
killed so far. And 55 percent of Americans now say that the United States should
have stayed out of Iraq. How can you convince the American people, Madam
Secretary, that the U.S. needs to stay the course under these circumstances?
Hughes:
Well, I think
Americans look at it the same way as people across the world look at it. No,
scratch that. Let’s just say, in for a penny in for a pound.
Couric:
That seems rather glib; and bear in mind that’s coming from me, the queen of
glib.
Hughes: So ask me about my hairstyle. Or my nails. I spent a fortune on
them for this and you haven’t even commented on them.
Couric: Yes
I noticed them. I thought the kindest thing I could do was say nothing... You’re
now
at the center of trying to fix America’s image in the Muslim world, having
recently visited three Arab countries to hear their views in person.
What do you think is the most important thing you heard on your listening
tour?
Hughes:
It’s funny.
Technically, it’s called a “Listening Tour” but as a bull-headed Republican, I,
in fact, didn’t listen to a word anyone said. I brought my Ipod.
Couric: Really? What is Madame Secretary listening to these days?
Hughes:
AC/DC’s Highway to Hell. It’s classic dinosaur rock. Just like me.
Couric: Oh-kay...
Let’s talk about the
ideology being promoted by institutions like Al-Jazeera, the 24-hour
Arabic news channel. Even Hezbollah has [a] cable network at this point. How do
you offset what many Arabs are hearing from those sources with an alternative
point of view that really has any credibility?
Hughes:
Two words: Fox News.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
The universe is not conspiring to thwart your progress, it... Oh, okay! It is.
Boy, the universe really has a hard on for you, huh?
Taurus:
Mercury at odds with Pluto, planet of little loved Disney characters, means
you will have an animated and difficult time telling fact from fiction,
especially when dealing with relationship issues... Boy, are you seriously
confused.
Gemini: Today you will start to panic about the avian pandemic. Avoid
chicken.
Cancer: Life is a festival and you are the piñata.
Leo: You will continue to view ghouls as
evil
spirits or demons from Muslim folklore believed to plunder graves and feed on
corpses.
Virgo:
You delight in the revolting, morbid and loathsome. You could be a ghoul, or
you could be a Christian. Or heck, even a Democrat!
Libra: Your life of tacos in blood sauce continues to be something that
you and you alone like.
Scorpio: Your Herculean efforts are all Greek to the rest of us.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Some people seem to take a perverse delight in seeing the
bad side of everything. You’ve adopted more of a morbid delight in seeing the
bad side of everything because you’re your own pessimist.
Aquarius: Another day, another dullard.
Pisces: It might be tempting to tell a small lie but stick with the
whoppers, they are your specialty after all.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Baby Planner
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More
probable is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s Baby
Planner
Okay, time to think about the (shudder) wedding. Clearly Katie has me over a
barrel and until I can eliminate her from the picture I may as well continue on
with this grotesque charade... Oh, on a funner note... Okay, I know I’m a
really, really, really, really, really, really, rich guy but I scored a free
wedding dress for simpering rat girl. Hey, I didn’t
get rich by sharing it – and let’s not forget that I have to pay off my pals at
the Scientology church in order to keep my little secret a secret. Anyhoo, what
I did was, well, years ago after a playful romp with my designer pal Giorgio
Armani, he made me a vintage satin gown as a way of saying, um, thanks. So last
night, after a rousing game of “hide the gerbil” I asked Giorgio to redesign the
dress especially for the female thing I’m marrying. Oh, the redesign has been
such heavenly fun! Of course, being the controlling guy I am, I’ve had a lot of
input into the redesign. That’s because I have such exquisite taste and Katie
can’t be relied to arrange a single flower when it comes to this ceremony. She
actually got all snippy while I was ordering alterations and said, “If you like
it so much, why don’t you wear it?” If only she knew.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Music
For Daydreaming
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Sigh...
2. Daydreaming/Coma... It’s All The Same To Me
3. A Million Drowsy Miles Away
4. Do The Stare and Drool
5. Requiem For A Dead Eyed Bored Person
Side Two
1. Beatles Medley For The Terminally Dazed
2. Addled... Muddled... Gazing Off... That’s Me
3. Dreaming Up A Pipe Dream
4. Pretty Vacant on a Sunday Afternoon Drift Off
5. I’m The Chairman Of The Bored
6. Fantasy In E – As in Ennui
7. “Eyes Glaze Over, Head Rolls Back” (Everybody Do The...)
This album was written by
me, a glassy eyed, drowsy, fantasist musician. It was produced by a
somnambulant, um, producer, whose sleepwalking through these sessions as well
as his own life was tiring but in an inspired and sleepy way. Music For
Daydreaming was recorded... Sigh... You know, in a studio... There’s probably
a lot more to say about it... But, well... I’m too busy looking at clouds...
And daydreaming about what life would like if I was a rich sultan... Truth be
told, I can’t imagine... But I’ll keep trying... And you can too, if you like,
while staring vacantly into space and listening to “Music For Daydreaming.”
George
“Daydreamer” Malachrino 1969
Cover Photo: A Stationary
Camera © 1969 Boredom Kingdom Records
Mixing Breeds
I
met Nancy at Mr. Mooney’s, a bar of no noticeable distinction. She was with a
girlfriend and I had been divorced and sexually frustrated for the last three
years... I was also drunk. After making small chat about the weather and local
sports we got to talking about dogs. She had a male German Sheppard she was
ready to stud and I had Daisy, my faithful golden retriever. We exchanged
phone numbers and agreed to go over each other’s respective pedigree; the double
entendre thrilled me.
The next day Nancy called and suggested a meeting. I had sobered up and was
wondering what on earth I’d been thinking. I looked into Daisy’s big eyes and
felt shame at what I had considered putting her through in order to get myself a
little more familiar with some new female company. Sure, Nancy was cute and
tiny but I had never met this dog. My goodness, I didn’t even know its name and
here I was ready to let it go about its nasty business with my Daisy. Sweet,
obedient Daisy, the only memory of Helen, my ex-wife.
Helen and I had bought the dog after we had come to the decision that we didn’t
want children and we had planned to have her fixed in her first year, it was
something we would do "together." But near the end of Daisy’s first year Helen
was nothing but a memory and a cruel goodbye note to me and my "surrogate baby." It was irresponsible of me not to have her fixed, but all I can say is
that I soon discovered that a shared sexual frustration between dog and master brought us closer together. It had been a tough three years for both of us,
filled with long walks, chewed up furniture and lonely nights of drinking,
bonding and howling.
I
was on the verge of suggesting to Nancy that we reconsider the whole thing and
maybe take in a movie and dinner when she cut me off.
“My dog’s name is Big Dick,” she said, her voice spilling over with pride. I
felt my ankles go weak and my own manhood threatened. An unusual feeling, to say
the least.
“Big Dick...” I could barely get the words out, “interesting name, or should I
say, names?”
“They both suit him,” she laughed.
I
decided to try and stall her, I talked about my loneliness and search for the
right woman; I kept the subject far away from canine mating but still ended up
mentioning how with the exception of Daisy, these days I had little to no female
companionship, I was pathetic. I told her about Helen, and how I was secretly
convinced she had never loved our dog, she sounded genuinely concerned if not a
bit amused. She told me that she understood, it was rough alright, but you just had to
get back out there. She said a cute guy like me shouldn’t have any problems. I
found this encouraging and then in the next breath she asked if she and Big Dick
could swing by next Saturday, her voice was forceful and caring, a loving
command. I heard Big Dick bark in the background, he sounded like a good boy.
The words, “can’t wait to see you,” came out of my mouth from nowhere.
By the time Saturday had arrived my feelings of trepidation had manifested into
outright fear.
“Big Dick”? Those two simple words had indelibly left one
ghastly image in my mind, I was determined to call the whole sordid escapade
off.
Over a second glass of wine, Nancy tried to alleviate my fears. “There’s no need
to be nervous, darling,” she said while slowly reclining her pixie like body on
the sofa, “birds do it, bees do it.”
Big Dick, who had been snoozing by his master’s delicate feet suddenly raised
his head, sensing that Nancy was finally getting down to brass tacks, and
looked me straight in the eye. Not wanting to get into a staring contest (or,
something told me, any kind of contest) with this gigantic animal, I glanced out
into the backyard where my Daisy was innocently chasing a butterfly.
“What do you say to another glass?” she asked, pulling a second bottle out of
her enormous purse.
Big Dick, still on his leash, bounded into my backyard, he was followed by Nancy,
a woman that I realized would always be able to drink me under the table. The
wine had enlivened and energized her while I was staggering slightly and ridiculously still trying to
back out of the whole affair.
“Oh for Christ’s sake,” said Nancy, in an agitated tone, “that bitch,” she said
pointing at Daisy, “is in heat, heavy, heavy heat.”
“Don’t talk that way about my dog,” I realized I was shouting, I looked into
Nancy’s small face, absorbed her tiny cheekbones and kissably elfin mouth, "they
don’t even know each other.” I gave her what I hoped was a sweet, meaningful
smile, the overall effect was completely lost on her.
“Know each other,” she scoffed, “what do you want? Flowers? Candy? Maybe a
little love poetry and some Miles Davis? This isn’t the prom, Big Dick’s just
going to...”
I
begged her to stop, informing her that I knew very well what he was going to do.
I had done it myself, lots of times, I stupidly boasted. Nancy didn’t dispute
that although she told me I might want to keep an eye on Big Dick, maybe get
some pointers. There was a strange glean in her eye, she seemed more anxious
than that oversexed beast of hers. I was now fully aware that I was in over my
head, Nancy jokingly told me she’d still respect me in the morning and when I
didn’t laugh she called me a tease. I caved into the pressure, Nancy let go of
the leash.
“Go boy go, mount the bitch! That a boy, ride her!” Nancy cried like a demented
cheerleader. I half expected her to reach into her gigantic purse and produce a
pair of pompoms. Daisy looked over at me with a mixture of confusion and relief.
I turned away, sick with guilt.
“She’s not very good at it,” complained Nancy.
“She’s afraid.” I was having a hard time with it all. Big Dick was now fully
mounted and relentlessly thrusting away, Daisy was being defiled and Nancy
looked like she wanted to take pictures.
“Yes, yes, yes!” she kept crying, like some sort of Buddhist chant for the
sexually depraved. Just when I thought that it would never end, that my poor
dog would actually explode in my backyard, it was over. It was over, and what
did Big Dick do? He just walked away. That was it, he’d had his fun and now he
was ready for a nap and dish full of beer. Daisy looked bewildered, her eyes had
glossed over and I suspected she was in pain, I knew I was. I was getting ready
to tell Nancy that we needed to talk about what had just happened when I noticed
she had reached into her large magic purse and now had her car keys in her hand.
She called Big Dick over, he obediently marched to her side, a smug look on his
furry face.
“Thanks,” she offered a handshake that I refused. “Its been fun.”
She seemed ready to leave, I was dumbfounded and felt I had to say something;
that I had to express my feelings, which at this very moment were anger and
shame. And what about my poor pooch? Had Nancy used me to get her Big Dick to
my innocent dog? Or had I brought this on myself, had I asked for it, was I
responsible for what had happened to my Daisy? I wanted to say all of this and
more, instead I asked her if I’d ever see her again.
For the first time that afternoon she looked uncomfortable. “I don’t know, I
don’t think it would work out, but we can still be friends, right?”
Right. I saw them to their car, waved goodbye as she pulled out of my
driveway, Big Dick’s enormous head stuck out of the window, his long red
blanket of a tongue slobbering on the car door handle. I stumbled into my
living room with thoughts of showers and delousing when I went to the phone book
and looked up a vet. It was time to make things right, it was time to fix things
for good.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gopher show
gum boils
polish hairy moustaches in pictures
leather wife
german haemorrhoid cream
milton berle's penis
french tourism campaign
big breasted granny
are the bernstein bears jewish
sodomizing ventriloquists
Only 67
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
Photos of
Happier Days for George
A few shots of George in happier times. You remember them, when he could get
away with all that crap he pulls. Ah, memories...
We both
agreed that while it was cute, the hat made him look like an even bigger
buffoon.
Say what you
want about George, at least he cleans up real good!
Feeling
Frisky! I was sorry to see George rinse out the red. We had a big fight and he
got all musical and sang, “I’m gonna wash that red ant right out of my hair.”
He’s such a drama queen – and lousy president.
Our comedy
act at The White House Dinner.
Him: Hey Avery, who was that woman I saw you with last night?
Me: Shut the hell up you imbecile!
(Hold for big laughs and applause)
Yet another
picture of George lying to the nation while I hump the back of his head.
Hey, whatever gets you through the night!
(to the top)
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