"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 16
Are
You in Drinking Shape?
  
So
you want to be a drunk? Hey, who doesn’t?
If you build your drinking workout around these five pillars—strength,
cardio, flexibility, agility and power—you can reach your peak drinking and
become that obnoxious fall down drunk you’ve always hoped to be but never
had the courage to.
First step: Pull out a flask and take our liquor fitness test. It'll
help you design a complete booze workout that can get you in your best
drinking shape ever this year, and this lifetime. And that's cause for
celebration (and that means a drink!).
Directions: These tests will assess your baseline fitness in the five core
areas.
When you're finished, write down your results… If you can still walk, that
is. That'll guide you in putting
together your custom alcohol workout. Retest
yourself every four to six hours to see just how drunk you are and, even more
importantly, just how drunk you can get. Is
any of this making sense? Really?
Then obviously you’re sober – so make sure you do something about that toot
suite!
1.
Drinking Strength
Pushups:
Push as much booze into your face
as possible. Keep that bottle
fixed to your face. Puke though the nose if you must, but just don’t stop
guzzling!
2.
Cardiovascular Boozing
Can
you run from the police and still chug on a 40 ouncer of scotch?
If so, you have reason to be proud. If not, you’re in a pathetic
drinking shape and to call yourself a boozehound is a filthy lie.
3. Flexibility
Put a
multi-pronged 26-inch drinking straw on top of a carton of wine so that each
funnel of the straw is inserted in an individual bottle of wine. Now sit on
the floor with your legs extended and your bare feet flat against the front of
the box. With hands
overlapping and legs straight, lean forward as far as you can. Now suck up as
much vino as you can. If all the bottles aren’t empty – you’ve failed
miserably
4. Alcoholic Agility
Shuttle
Run: Place two bottles of cognac three yards apart. Time
the following sequence.
1.
(Start watch) Sprint to bottle on your left. Chug.
2.
Sprint back to bottle on your right. Chug more.
3.
Sprint back to bottle on left. Guzzle
heavily.
Repeat
until both bottles are empty. Should
you stagger please note you are in pathetic drinking shape.
5.
Power (Totally Pissed Plyometric Ability)
Vertical
Jump: Wet the fingers of your right hand and stand with your right side
touching a wall. Reach up with your right hand and mark the highest point you
can touch. Now rewet your fingers and stand next to the wall again. This time
jump with both legs and extend your right arm to touch the wall. If you are
still reading this you fail. Why? Because you should be at a bar!
Meanwhile...
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 Top
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Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 71 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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