"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 12
Another Person You’ve Never Heard Of Wins The Booker
The veteran Irish drinker, sorry, writer, John Banville (yes, the John
Banville) won this year’s biggest literary prize (it’s called “The Booker”).
His novel, The Sea was declared victorious in a contest which the
judges’ chairman, John Sutherland (yes, the John Sutherland) described
as “You know...”
Banville’s surprise victory over runner-up, Kazuo Ishiguro’s (Yes, the
Kazuo Ishiguro!) has excited Bannville’s wife who says they can use the
money.
”We can get our dog back from the pound,” she gushed, “and buy curtains. I’ve
always dreamed of curtains.”
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Plan to be spontaneous.
Taurus: As a
Taurus it has never been easy for you to admit that you: a) made a mistake; b)
are fallible, and c) once slept with a goat.
Gemini: The only reason a certain person is giving you a hard time is
because they hate your guts.
Cancer: See above.
Leo:
Your feeling of love is much appreciated. But don't hang on so
tight that you smother the relationship... Look who I’m talking to. You’ll
blow it!
Virgo:
You just want to read a horoscope that says you’ll be rich. Keep searching...
Libra: Some might say you’ve let yourself go, but you never really had
much of a grip to begin with.
Scorpio: That boil on your ass isn’t going away.
Sagittarius: All kinds of things will soon become possible – for other
people.
Capricorn: You may be tempted to use underhanded methods today, but
just stick with underarm deodorant, okay?
Aquarius: Your haughty nature doesn’t impress the servants, but then
again, you weren’t put on the planet to impress that riff raff.
Pisces: You will continue to view cretins as people afflicted with
cretinism. Stop being so damn literal!
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Baby Planner
Tommy
Cruiser has, through some incredible feat of magic (perhaps by having sex via
a 10-foot-pole?) has managed to impregnate his squeaky girlfriend. Her name is
Katie Holmes and we suspect she may gone to another service department to get
this bun installed in her oven.
And so begins
the onslaught of 24/7 news of the pregnancy.
Starting
right here in Tommy Cruiser’s Baby Planner
Well!!! Of course I’m still furious at the deceiving Katie for cuckolding me.
And, yes, I’m in a complete tizzy about her Scientology/Immaculate Conception
excuse on how she got in this state... But still – a baby! And more importantly,
this should keep her occupied and allow me to get out at nights on my own and
experiment with my chums. I’m still toying with the idea of giving birth to the
baby myself. Honestly, Katie can’t be trusted to do anything right! My new
friend Bruce says he’d do it, but then again he likes to be spanked with wet
noodles... Which, I have to admit, isn’t as fun as it sounds.
GREEN PEACE
INT. HOUSE –- DAY
JERRY is yelling into
his telephone.
Jerry: I dare you to say that again... You bastard! I dare you to say that once
more – in Arabic! Yeah, ha, ha, ha. Not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual
pantywaist...
There is a knock at the door.
Jerry: Hang on... WHAT?
Enter NICK. A Green Peace representative.
Nick: Thank-you. I’m canvassing for Green Peace. I’m sure you’re familiar with
our work. These are pictures of slaughtered seals.
Jerry: (Looks them over) Cool. How much?
Nick: Pardon me?
Jerry: Do they come in wallet size?
Nick: No.
Jerry: Shame.
Nick: As I was saying...
Jerry: Hold that thought. I’m on the blower.
Nick: Certainly. I’ll get you some literature on whale fat. I believe I also
have a pamphlet on the top 10 misconceptions regarding vivisection.
Jerry: Yeah, you do that. (into phone) I’m back Bernardi. Oh yeah? Well screw
you and that ten-pound sack of whale fat that you call a head. (to Nick) Ha!
That pissed him off. (into phone) What? No one calls me that and gets away with
it. Come over here and say that Bernardi. Oh yeah, I’m scared, real scared...
(to Nick) Hey, tree hugger. What did you say your name was?
Nick: Nick.
Jerry: (into phone) Come over here and my buddy Nick will beat the crap out of
you... That’s right, my buddy, Nick. He’s here right now and he’s plenty PO’d!
Jerry grabs a pamphlet from Nick.
Jerry: He’s an animal Bernardi. You should see what he did to some kittens. It
would turn your stomach.
Nick: Actually, that’s a laboratory in Paraguay.
Jerry: Nick, tell Bernardi that you’re really here.
Nick: I’d rather not. I just came for a donation and to discuss the plight of
the hairy nosed wombat.
Jerry: Yeah, call him that... (into phone) He says you’re a fairy assed wombat,
Bernardi. He’s calling you a fruit.
Nick: No, I’m not!
Jerry: (hands Nick the phone) Tell him Nick, don’t worry. He’s full of hot air,
go on...
Nick reluctantly takes the phone.
Nick: Um, hello? Yes, yes, yes, I understand. (to Jerry) He says he’s going to
kill me.
Jerry: He’s full of it. He won’t kill you. He’s still on parole.
Nick: (puts his ear to phone) He seems quite emphatic... He definitely wants to
kill me.
Jerry: Jesus Christ, he must be serious! What did you say to him?
Nick: I didn’t say anything.
Jerry: What are you nuts? That’s the worst thing you could have said.
Nick: He says he’s on his way over. (he hands phone to Jerry) I should leave
now.
Jerry: Relax, he won’t be here for a minute or two.
Nick: Minute or two?
Jerry: He lives across the street. Look at that dump. Is that crap-shack an
eyesore, or what?
Nick: (into phone) I’m sorry! It’s a mistake!
Jerry: (scratches himself and looks bored) You better leave now, I wanna take a
shower.
Nick: You can’t send me out there. That man sounds dangerous.
Jerry: Hey, Nick, I don’t like you bad mouthing my friends. You better take a
hike before I smack you one myself.
Nick: I’m just a non-violent canvasser.
Jerry: And what? That makes you better than me? Jesus, what a mouth. No wonder
Bernardi wants to kill you. I shouldn’t help you, but, give me the phone...
Nick hands it to him.
Jerry: Gino, it’s Jerry. Look, there’s been some sort of... What? I don’t know.
He just barged in here and started shooting his mouth off about what a hairy
nosed eye sore your wife was and grabbed the phone. No way bud, if you want the
crap kicked out him, you do it yourself... Pretty small... You can take him...
No, you don’t need to bring your sons. Okay, I’ll keep him here. Sure, we can
watch the game afterward.
Nick: Mr. Bernardi! Mr. Bernardi!
Jerry: Yeah, he’s hopping mad. Fine, but do it outside, I just vacuumed. Okay,
and bring a six-pack.
Jerry hangs up and points out his window.
Jerry: Look, he’s bringing a baseball bat. What a wimp. Well, goodbye and good
luck.
Nick: Please, you can’t do this to me, I work for Green Peace.
Jerry: That explains a lot. Jesus you people are pushy.
Jerry shoves him out the front door.
Jerry: Now scram... Hey, Bernardi, keep it off my front lawn. Come on, Nick,
throw a punch. Oh that’s right Bernardi, kick him in the groin while he’s down.
You’re pathetic, Bernardi! What? I dare you to say that again – in Spanish!
Yeah, not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual pantywaist...
Jerry’s cell phone rings.
Jerry: (into phone) WHAT? You’re calling for Green Peace? Hmm, oh sure, I’m
interested... Oh yeah, I’m very familiar with your work.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Mike
Terry: Live At The Pavilion
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Yes...
Vol. 2!
2. Let’s Burn The Glasgow Pavilion, Lads!
3. Put Tha’ Fookin’ Boot In (To Me, They Do)
4. Scottish Medley: Drink Pints/Go Ta Football/Drink More Later/Chips and
Curry/Fight In The Pub/Hangover/Do It All Again Next Bloody Saturday
Side Two
1. That Ain’t No Bleeding Kilt I’m A Wearing
2. Look At Me – I’m A Git!
3. You Take The High Road – Me, I’m Scottish, I’ll Get Drunk And Puke
4. The Bonny Bonny Ghetto of Glasgow
5. Put More Grease On Ma Slap Up Feed
6. Scotland – Land Of The Lout
Bloody Hell, will ya get yer wee mug around this? Right, who’s like us – damn
few and their deed. They call me Mike Terry and I’m no sure if I’m a Scottish
lass or lad. Ye be the fookin’ judge. Look a at me. I’m a bloody dreedful fright
alright. With ma knobbly knees and ma sequin frock and Harpo Marx hair and pasty
face – not ta mention ma Karl Marx leenings... And, of course, ma other leenings
as well. Those right ones that ain’t so bloody “right.” Right? This bloody album
wis recorded live at the fookin Pavilion. Ya can actually hear the crowd
screaming for ma blood and attacking the stage and really putting tha’ boot in
to me. Damn, but do they hate me. They’ll bloody pay and line up ta give me a
right good thumping. Ya got to love the Scots. ‘But even if ya don’t they wanna
give two shites.
Mike Terry 1968
Cover Photo: Doonald Trooser ©
1968 No Canna Git Yer Dialect Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
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