"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

October 9

GREEN PEACE

INT. HOUSE –- DAY

JERRY is yelling into his telephone.

Jerry: I dare you to say that again... You bastard! I dare you to say that once more – in Arabic! Yeah, ha, ha, ha. Not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual pantywaist...

There is a knock at the door.

Jerry: Hang on... WHAT?

Enter NICK. A Green Peace representative.

Nick: Thank-you. I’m canvassing for Green Peace. I’m sure you’re familiar with our work. These are pictures of slaughtered seals.

Jerry: (Looks them over) Cool. How much?

Nick: Pardon me?

Jerry: Do they come in wallet size?

Nick: No.

Jerry: Shame.

Nick: As I was saying...

Jerry: Hold that thought. I’m on the blower.

Nick: Certainly. I’ll get you some literature on whale fat. I believe I also have a pamphlet on the top 10 misconceptions regarding vivisection.

Jerry: Yeah, you do that. (into phone) I’m back Bernardi. Oh yeah? Well screw you and that ten-pound sack of whale fat that you call a head. (to Nick) Ha! That pissed him off. (into phone) What? No one calls me that and gets away with it. Come over here and say that Bernardi. Oh yeah, I’m scared, real scared... (to Nick) Hey, tree hugger. What did you say your name was?

Nick: Nick.

Jerry: (into phone) Come over here and my buddy Nick will beat the crap out of you... That’s right, my buddy, Nick. He’s here right now and he’s plenty PO’d!

Jerry grabs a pamphlet from Nick.

Jerry: He’s an animal Bernardi. You should see what he did to some kittens. It would turn your stomach.

Nick: Actually, that’s a laboratory in Paraguay.

Jerry: Nick, tell Bernardi that you’re really here.

Nick: I’d rather not. I just came for a donation and to discuss the plight of the hairy nosed wombat.

Jerry: Yeah, call him that... (into phone) He says you’re a fairy assed wombat, Bernardi. He’s calling you a fruit.

Nick: No, I’m not!

Jerry: (hands Nick the phone) Tell him Nick, don’t worry. He’s full of hot air, go on...

Nick reluctantly takes the phone.

Nick: Um, hello?  Yes, yes, yes, I understand. (to Jerry) He says he’s going to kill me.

Jerry: He’s full of it. He won’t kill you. He’s still on parole.

Nick: (puts his ear to phone) He seems quite emphatic... He definitely wants to kill me.

Jerry: Jesus Christ, he must be serious! What did you say to him?

Nick: I didn’t say anything.

Jerry: What are you nuts? That’s the worst thing you could have said.

Nick: He says he’s on his way over. (he hands phone to Jerry) I should leave now.

Jerry: Relax, he won’t be here for a minute or two.

Nick: Minute or two?

Jerry: He lives across the street. Look at that dump. Is that crap-shack an eyesore, or what?

Nick: (into phone) I’m sorry! It’s a mistake!

Jerry: (scratches himself and looks bored) You better leave now, I wanna take a shower.

Nick: You can’t send me out there. That man sounds dangerous.

Jerry: Hey, Nick, I don’t like you bad mouthing my friends. You better take a hike before I smack you one myself.

Nick: I’m just a non-violent canvasser.

Jerry: And what? That makes you better than me? Jesus, what a mouth. No wonder Bernardi wants to kill you. I shouldn’t help you, but, give me the phone...

Nick hands it to him.

Jerry: Gino, it’s Jerry. Look, there’s been some sort of... What? I don’t know. He just barged in here and started shooting his mouth off about what a hairy nosed eye sore your wife was and grabbed the phone. No way bud, if you want the crap kicked out him, you do it yourself... Pretty small... You can take him... No, you don’t need to bring your sons. Okay, I’ll keep him here. Sure, we can watch the game afterward.

Nick: Mr. Bernardi! Mr. Bernardi!

Jerry: Yeah, he’s hopping mad. Fine, but do it outside, I just vacuumed. Okay, and bring a six-pack.

Jerry hangs up and points out his window.

Jerry: Look, he’s bringing a baseball bat.  What a wimp. Well, goodbye and good luck.

Nick: Please, you can’t do this to me, I work for Green Peace.

Jerry: That explains a lot. Jesus you people are pushy.

Jerry shoves him out the front door.

Jerry: Now scram... Hey, Bernardi, keep it off my front lawn.  Come on, Nick, throw a punch. Oh that’s right Bernardi, kick him in the groin while he’s down. You’re pathetic, Bernardi! What? I dare you to say that again – in Spanish! Yeah, not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual pantywaist...

Jerry’s cell phone rings.

Jerry: (into phone) WHAT? You’re calling for Green Peace? Hmm, oh sure, I’m interested... Oh yeah, I’m very familiar with your work

Your Horoscope:

 

Aries: You are worrying too much about your financial situation and the more you worry the more likely it is something will go wrong – in bed.
Taurus: It is not often you get emotional but you will today – in bed.
Gemini: It will easy to feel sorry for yourself today – in bed.
Cancer: Your troubles continue – in bed. 
Leo: Do what you have to do to further your career – in bed.
Virgo: You will continue to view PORG’s as People Of Restricted Growth – in bed.
Libra: Trust your instincts – yes; in bed.
Scorpio: You will tire of these “in bed” jokes. Ironically you will do it – in bed.
Sagittarius: You have a tendency to overdo things – in bed.
Capricorn: Mars, planet of energy and ambition leaves you on your own – in bed.
Aquarius: It’s not like you to keep partners and loved ones on a short leash but today you will – ahem, in bed.
Pisces: You seem to have lost your tongue and your zip. Check your bed.

              Tom Cruise Insanity Watch 
           Today: Guarded      
   (Check Back For Daily Updates)

                      

Tom Cruise's BABY! Planner

STOP THE WORLD!

Did you hear? People are abuzz that there’s a Cruiser/Holmes Baby on the horizon.

Cruise spokeswoman Lee Anne DeVette told People magazine yesterday, "Tom and Katie are very excited aliens, and the rest of the world should be as excited as they are. In fact, Tom demands it."

And so begins the onslaught of 24/7 news of the pregnancy.

Starting right here!

Yes folks, an alien baby is on the way and we just can’t wait!

So many questions: Is it Tom’s? (Well, okay probably not, but there’s a funny story behind it)
Will Katie have a Caesarian? Or a Caesar Salad?
How will this affect Tom’s oily Greco-Roman pastime?
Who really cares? And why is it all of us? And why is that?
What about Tommy’s Wedding Planer?

...And is Katie the ninny we all thought she was?

This question is particularly interesting... For all we know, Katie may wind up being a duplicitous mastermind who has trapped Tom, is pregnant with bastard child and is ready to expose him as the Greco-Roman wrestler he is unless he meets her weird, bitchy and pregnant demands.

Anything Can Happen! More Tomorrow!


     
    This Week’s Featured Album:
   Heavy Load: Stronger Than Evil

Liner Notes.

Side One

1. Rockin’ With The Devil
2. Talkin’ With The Devil
3. Walkin’ With The Devil
4. Squawkin’ With The Devil
5. The Devil’s Coming! (Look Busy)
6. Satan is The Devil (The 666 Song)
7. The Devil is Satan (The, “We’re Running Out Of Ideas” Song)

Side Two

1. Folklore Rockers In Goblin Hades
2. More Songs About Satan and Hell
3. I Love You (Ballad To Satan and/or A Chick With Big Tits)
4. Do The Beelzebub
5. Rock N’ Roll Mephistopheles Gets The Groupies
6. Evil Spelt backwards, God spelt backwards, Bob spelt backwards...?
7. Plant The Demon Seed... And Maybe Some Petunias and Daisies    


Rock on! Satan! I’m talking about the archfiend, the beast, brute, devil, evil spirit, fiend, goblin, hellion, imp, incubus, malignant spirit, monster, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, and any other names that you can call Satan... I found these ones in a Thesaurus... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This album rocks harder than Satan and Lucifer at a Kiss and Ozzy concert! Rock N’ Roll, man! Yahoo!! Satan lives! Cool!! Well, hot... in Hell... And this album is hotter than it... Hell, that is... So... um, keep rocking. Rocking... Hard, yeah, hard to this most excellent album. Um... Satan... Yeah, Satan wants you to know that this album is... totally... Satanic. Yeah... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Rock on... Um, Satan Rules... 666... Keep rocking... We’re coming to your town, man. This isn’t the last you’ll be hearing of Heavy Load...! At least, I hope not... Our singer’s talking about quitting and we jam in his parent’s basement... We need him. He buys the pot and writes the lyrics. It would be pretty heavy if he quit. Hah! “Heavy!” Get it? Like in Heavy Load. Our band, man!!!
Rock n’ roll...!

Glenn (Rhythm Guitar) 1983

Cover art: A Repressed Homosexual  © 1983 Rock Pig Records
 

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