"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

October 8

Worthless:  A Bored Game

INT. HOUSE -- DAY 

Rick, Joan and Cal, depressed. 

RICK: What do you guys wanna do? 

JOAN: I dunno, I'm depressed.

CAL: Me too, I'm really down in the dumps.

RICK: Hey so am I. But you don't see me climbing out the window do you?  I've got an idea, let's play a depressing game, like Worthless, a seemingly new sad game.

JOAN: What do we do?

RICK: Nothing really, the dice has a zero printed on every side so we never get anywhere, and then we're faced with impossible questions that we can't answer...Just like life.

CAL: Sounds awful.

JOAN: Sounds depressing.

RICK: It is.  You go on and on faced by ever increasingly intense questions and the first person to admit his complete worthlessness wins.  It's just like social work without the paycheques.

CAL: I wanna be the noose.

JOAN: I wanna be the rat.

RICK: And I'll be the murder rate.  Okay, who wants to go first?

Blood From A Stone

INT. LABORATORY -- DAY

Doctors Nadler and Fielding standing behind a table filled with beakers and other scientific paraphernalia.

Dr. Fielding: I got your message Doctor Nadler. You said you've made a breakthrough in your research.

Dr. Nadler: Yes. It all became clear this morning Doctor Fielding... it was so simple.  All I needed was to really see it.

Dr. Fielding: Congratulations Ian.  Tell me about it.

Dr. Nadler: It's revolutionary.  At long last my years of work has borne fruit. It was all in my methodology. By simply reversing my analytical bias I was able to isolate the problem and systematically dissect it.

Dr. Fielding: Which experiment is it Ian...the infinite time equation?

Dr. Nadler: No, no, something new.  Tell me Doctor, are you familiar with the aphorism, 'You can't get blood from a stone?'

Dr. Fielding: Indeed I am, but...

Dr. Nadler grabs a rock from the table and smacks Dr. Fielding over the head with it.  Blood gushes everywhere.

Dr. Nader: Well I've done it.  Eureka!  At long last.  All those years of research...I've done it...blood from a stone!

Your Horoscope:

 

Aries: While walking down the street today, you will see your family. Luckily, they won’t see you.
Taurus: You continue to view chicken pox as an acutely contagious disease that is caused by the varicella-zoster virus and characterized by skin eruptions, slight fever, and malaise... And for once you’re right.
Gemini: Waych owt fer speling mistakez.
Cancer: Ask your boss for a raise – he could use a laugh.
Leo: If you are tired of your life the way it is then just keep moaning and complaining to everyone – we all really love hearing about it.
Virgo: Times are never so tough that you can’t get fall down drunk.
Libra: Your dog humps your leg and you don’t stop it.
Scorpio: If you play to your strengths today you should end up in a ditch by tonight.
Sagittarius: If there ever there was a right time for you, we’d all like to know about it.
Capricorn: Your ennui continues to bore you.
Aquarius: See above.
Pisces: Be grateful for what you don’t have. Such as, um, a sexually transmitted disease.

              Tom Cruise Insanity Watch 
           Today: Guarded      
   (Check Back For Daily Updates)

                      

Tom Cruise's BABY! Planner

STOP THE WORLD!

Did you hear? People are abuzz that there’s a Cruiser/Holmes Baby on the horizon.

Cruise spokeswoman Lee Anne DeVette told People magazine yesterday, "Tom and Katie are very excited aliens, and the rest of the world should be as excited as they are. In fact, Tom demands it."

And so begins the onslaught of 24/7 news of the pregnancy.

Starting right here!

Yes folks, an alien baby is on the way and we just can’t wait!

So many questions: Is it Tom’s? (Well, okay probably not, but there’s a funny story behind it)
Will Katie have a Caesarian? Or a Caesar Salad?
How will this affect Tom’s oily Greco-Roman pastime?
Who really cares? And why is it all of us? And why is that?
What about Tommy’s Wedding Planer?

...And is Katie the ninny we all thought she was?

This question is particularly interesting... For all we know, Katie may wind up being a duplicitous mastermind who has trapped Tom, is pregnant with bastard child and is ready to expose him as the Greco-Roman wrestler he is unless he meets her weird, bitchy and pregnant demands.

Anything can happen...

Hey, we’re open for suggestions.  Send them to mug@averyant.com   

     
    This Week’s Featured Album:
   Heavy Load: Stronger Than Evil

Liner Notes.

Side One

1. Rockin’ With The Devil
2. Talkin’ With The Devil
3. Walkin’ With The Devil
4. Squawkin’ With The Devil
5. The Devil’s Coming! (Look Busy)
6. Satan is The Devil (The 666 Song)
7. The Devil is Satan (The, “We’re Running Out Of Ideas” Song)

Side Two

1. Folklore Rockers In Goblin Hades
2. More Songs About Satan and Hell
3. I Love You (Ballad To Satan and/or A Chick With Big Tits)
4. Do The Beelzebub
5. Rock N’ Roll Mephistopheles Gets The Groupies
6. Evil Spelt backwards, God spelt backwards, Bob spelt backwards...?
7. Plant The Demon Seed... And Maybe Some Petunias and Daisies    


Rock on! Satan! I’m talking about the archfiend, the beast, brute, devil, evil spirit, fiend, goblin, hellion, imp, incubus, malignant spirit, monster, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, and any other names that you can call Satan... I found these ones in a Thesaurus... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This album rocks harder than Satan and Lucifer at a Kiss and Ozzy concert! Rock N’ Roll, man! Yahoo!! Satan lives! Cool!! Well, hot... in Hell... And this album is hotter than it... Hell, that is... So... um, keep rocking. Rocking... Hard, yeah, hard to this most excellent album. Um... Satan... Yeah, Satan wants you to know that this album is... totally... Satanic. Yeah... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Rock on... Um, Satan Rules... 666... Keep rocking... We’re coming to your town, man. This isn’t the last you’ll be hearing of Heavy Load...! At least, I hope not... Our singer’s talking about quitting and we jam in his parent’s basement... We need him. He buys the pot and writes the lyrics. It would be pretty heavy if he quit. Hah! “Heavy!” Get it? Like in Heavy Load. Our band, man!!!
Rock n’ roll...!

Glenn (Rhythm Guitar) 1983

Cover art: A Repressed Homosexual  © 1983 Rock Pig Records
 

Babies...

INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Judy and George in bed.  The sound of a baby crying wakes them.

GEORGE: I don't believe this...what time is it?

JUDY: Three a.m.

GEORGE: Good God it's like clockwork.  Who's turn is it?

JUDY: Yours...I was up an hour ago.

GEORGE: Well so was I...

JUDY: (pleading) Just make it stop George, please!

Judy turns over and pulls pillow over her head.

GEORGE: Alright...alright...

George sits up in bed.

GEORGE (CONT'D): FOR CHRIST'S SAKE SHUT UP!!

The crying stops.  George lies back down.  After a moment, the crying starts again.

GEORGE (CONT'D): Judy...Judy...I did everything I can.  You're up.

Judy hits George with her pillow, gets up and walks to bedroom window. 

JUDY: Good God George!!  There are five of them.

GEORGE: Five?  Where?

George gets out of bed and walks to window.

JUDY: Out by the composter.  See, right there.

George removes slipper and throws it.

GEORGE: God damned babies...people should be forced to keep them in at night.  Look at the filthy little things.  If I had any nerve I'd put them in a sack and deal with them the same way my father did.

JUDY: George, don't be awful. Shoo...shoo now...go home...

GEORGE: You know why they're here don't you?  It's that god damned Wilson baby.  See the way he's peeing all over my trash cans.  That brings them in hordes.  Well I'll tell you one thing, Wilson is getting a call from me in the morning.

JUDY: (pause) Maybe they just like it here.

GEORGE: My God Judy, you haven't been breast feeding them have you?

JUDY: Well...

GEORGE: Great, now we'll never get rid of them.

JUDY: I couldn't help it George.  It was raining out and the skinny one with the birthmark came scratching at the door...He was so cute and scraggly.  George why can't we have one of our own?

GEORGE: Judy, how many times do I have to tell you... I'm allergic.

JUDY: But the doctor said there are drugs...pills you can take.

GEORGE: Not now Judy!!  (looks out window) Oh great now their crawling all over my car and leaving greasy little footprints all over my hood and windows.  Get off my car!  I'll  never get any sleep.

JUDY: Maybe if we sung to them...lull them to sleep.

GEORGE: I think their diapers are leaking...

JUDY: George...a lullaby.

GEORGE: Alright...

BOTH: (singing) “You’re once, twice, three times a baby...”

JUDY: It's working.  Look, the one in the birch tree just nodded off.

GEORGE: I guess it is kinda cute...

JUDY: Those bald heads are so adorable.

They gaze out the window for a moment and then turn toward each other.

GEORGE: I love you honey.

JUDY: I love you too.  But I've got to get some sleep.  So go out there, put them in a box and we'll drop them all at Wilson's front door.

GEORGE: Gotcha!

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