"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

October 5

Fat & Getting Fatter

Just when you thought we couldn’t get any fatter, that American “can do” spirit proves us wrong! Yup, hope you’re sitting down while you’re reading this (of course you are!) and maybe enjoying a small pile of glazed donuts, (of course you are!) because a new study that followed Americans for three decades suggests that over the long haul, 9 out of 10 men and 7 out of 10 women will become overweight.

Even if you are one of the lucky few who made it to middle age without getting fat, don’t congratulate yourself — you may be ugly or have bad breath or something else. Oh, and keep watching that waistline, you potential tubbo.

Half of the men and women in the study who had made it well into adulthood without a weight problem ultimately became overweight. A third of those women and a quarter of the men became obese.

“You cannot become complacent, because you are at risk of becoming a lard ass,” said some guy who’s an associate professor of medicine at Boston University and the study’s lead author.

He and other researchers studied data gathered from 4,000 white adults over 30 years. All day long they sat on their asses pouring over data and now he and his associates are fat jelly bellies. “Being fat is awful. I’m always short of breath and I can’t see my penis anymore. I miss that the most,” he said.

Susan Bartlett, an assistant professor of medicine and an obesity researcher at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, said, “Look at me, I’m pear-shaped and my last name is Bartlett. Can you imagine the teasing I get around the lab? It’s terrible. My energy levels are low and so and I’m always last in line to use the microscope.”

The study shows Americans live in an “environment in which it’s hard not to become overweight or obese. Those golden arches signify our deep fried doom,” she added.

Your Horoscope:

 

Aries: Monday’s new solar eclipse kicked off a new 29-day lunar month. Woo hoo, break out the crack cocaine!
Taurus: You will get drunk and throw up on your cat.
Gemini: You have the IQ of Einstein and yet you are still stupid enough to answer “yes” to your partner’s question, “dos this make me look fat?”
Cancer: Mercury, planet of communication, would, like the rest of us, rather not talk to you.
Leo: You will continue to view spats as the spawns of an oyster or a mollusk.
Virgo: A decision that should be easy is rapidly turning into a complex nightmare. Go with the Coco Puffs and have The Fruit Loops tomorrow.
Libra: See above.
Scorpio: Your life has become a cliché. It may be because your left hand doesn’t know what your right hand is doing, or possibly because leopards never change their spots, but one thing’s for certain – a watched pot never boils.
Sagittarius: Do you feel left out? Too bad. No one cares.
Capricorn: No doubt you are fired with enthusiasm for your next project. And as a human cannonball, you should be.
Aquarius: Ignore your own tendency to ignore your own tendencies.
Pisces: Mercury, planet of reason, continues to elude you.

              Tom Cruise Insanity Watch 
           Today: Guarded      
   (Check Back For Daily Updates)

                      

Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner

Once upon a time there was an actor called Tommy Cruiser Superstar. He made a bunch of middling films and became very famous despite a decided lack of talent. But he still managed to compose himself with dignity. He married a couple of babes. Got divorced and yet remained a private person, despite his tendency to sue those who would say he was "light in the loafers." One day Tommy fired his publicist, and since then...

As you may also know, Tom is writing a secret “wedding journal” that includes his thoughts on his wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as he’s calling it.

Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?

My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:

I wish Oprah was a man. That would be so perfect. For me. And it’s all about me. I guess I’d find myself more attracted to Katie if she had a penis. I asked her if she one the other night and she looked at me strangely. Then she giggled in that annoying tone of hers and called me a “goofy doofy.” Good God! Don’t know how much more of her pet names I can take. Even more worrying is her refusal to call me Tom. The little ninny seems hell-bent and determined to call me use ghastly variations on my given name. First it was “Tommy” then “Tomster” then “Tom-Boy” then, and this was the worst yet, “T-Bone.” It’s driving me batty. All I can do is keep putting the Seconals in her coffee until I can think up a better plan. Whatever it is, it’s imperative it looks like an accident.

     
    This Week’s Featured Album:
   Heavy Load: Stronger Than Evil

Liner Notes.

Side One

1. Rockin’ With The Devil
2. Talkin’ With The Devil
3. Walkin’ With The Devil
4. Squawkin’ With The Devil
5. The Devil’s Coming! (Look Busy)
6. Satan is The Devil (The 666 Song)
7. The Devil is Satan (The, “We’re Running Out Of Ideas” Song)

Side Two

1. Folklore Rockers In Goblin Hades
2. More Songs About Satan and Hell
3. I Love You (Ballad To Satan and/or A Chick With Big Tits)
4. Do The Beelzebub
5. Rock N’ Roll Mephistopheles Gets The Groupies
6. Evil Spelt backwards, God spelt backwards, Bob spelt backwards...?
7. Plant The Demon Seed... And Maybe Some Petunias and Daisies    


Rock on! Satan! I’m talking about the archfiend, the beast, brute, devil, evil spirit, fiend, goblin, hellion, imp, incubus, malignant spirit, monster, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, and any other names that you can call Satan... I found these ones in a Thesaurus... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This album rocks harder than Satan and Lucifer at a Kiss and Ozzy concert! Rock N’ Roll, man! Yahoo!! Satan lives! Cool!! Well, hot... in Hell... And this album is hotter than it... Hell, that is... So... um, keep rocking. Rocking... Hard, yeah, hard to this most excellent album. Um... Satan... Yeah, Satan wants you to know that this album is... totally... Satanic. Yeah... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Rock on... Um, Satan Rules... 666... Keep rocking... We’re coming to your town, man. This isn’t the last you’ll be hearing of Heavy Load...! At least, I hope not... Our singer’s talking about quitting and we jam in his parent’s basement... We need him. He buys the pot and writes the lyrics. It would be pretty heavy if he quit. Hah! “Heavy!” Get it? Like in Heavy Load. Our band, man!!!
Rock n’ roll...!

Glenn (Rhythm Guitar) 1983

Cover art: A Repressed Homosexual  © 1983 Rock Pig Records
 

Babies...

INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Judy and George in bed.  The sound of a baby crying wakes them.

GEORGE: I don't believe this...what time is it?

JUDY: Three a.m.

GEORGE: Good God it's like clockwork.  Who's turn is it?

JUDY: Yours...I was up an hour ago.

GEORGE: Well so was I...

JUDY: (pleading) Just make it stop George, please!

Judy turns over and pulls pillow over her head.

GEORGE: Alright...alright...

George sits up in bed.

GEORGE (CONT'D): FOR CHRIST'S SAKE SHUT UP!!

The crying stops.  George lies back down.  After a moment, the crying starts again.

GEORGE (CONT'D): Judy...Judy...I did everything I can.  You're up.

Judy hits George with her pillow, gets up and walks to bedroom window. 

JUDY: Good God George!!  There are five of them.

GEORGE: Five?  Where?

George gets out of bed and walks to window.

JUDY: Out by the composter.  See, right there.

George removes slipper and throws it.

GEORGE: God damned babies...people should be forced to keep them in at night.  Look at the filthy little things.  If I had any nerve I'd put them in a sack and deal with them the same way my father did.

JUDY: George, don't be awful. Shoo...shoo now...go home...

GEORGE: You know why they're here don't you?  It's that god damned Wilson baby.  See the way he's peeing all over my trash cans.  That brings them in hordes.  Well I'll tell you one thing, Wilson is getting a call from me in the morning.

JUDY: (pause) Maybe they just like it here.

GEORGE: My God Judy, you haven't been breast feeding them have you?

JUDY: Well...

GEORGE: Great, now we'll never get rid of them.

JUDY: I couldn't help it George.  It was raining out and the skinny one with the birthmark came scratching at the door...He was so cute and scraggly.  George why can't we have one of our own?

GEORGE: Judy, how many times do I have to tell you... I'm allergic.

JUDY: But the doctor said there are drugs...pills you can take.

GEORGE: Not now Judy!!  (looks out window) Oh great now their crawling all over my car and leaving greasy little footprints all over my hood and windows.  Get off my car!  I'll  never get any sleep.

JUDY: Maybe if we sung to them...lull them to sleep.

GEORGE: I think their diapers are leaking...

JUDY: George...a lullaby.

GEORGE: Alright...

BOTH: (singing) “You’re once, twice, three times a baby...”

JUDY: It's working.  Look, the one in the birch tree just nodded off.

GEORGE: I guess it is kinda cute...

JUDY: Those bald heads are so adorable.

They gaze out the window for a moment and then turn toward each other.

GEORGE: I love you honey.

JUDY: I love you too.  But I've got to get some sleep.  So go out there, put them in a box and we'll drop them all at Wilson's front door.

GEORGE: Gotcha!

	Avery's Journal
	Watch the Rants
	Who is this Guy?
	Avery in the News
	Contests & Promos
	Behind the Scenes
	For Broadcasters
	Press Room
	Contact Us

Send this site to your friend!