"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 3
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Heavy
Load: Stronger Than Evil
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Rockin’ With The
Devil
2. Talkin’ With The Devil
3. Walkin’ With The Devil
4. Squawkin’ With The Devil
5. The Devil’s Coming! (Look Busy)
6. Satan is The Devil (The 666 Song)
7. The Devil is Satan (The, “We’re Running Out Of Ideas” Song)
Side Two
1. Folklore Rockers In Goblin Hades
2. More Songs About Satan and Hell
3. I Love You (Ballad To Satan and/or A Chick With Big Tits)
4. Do The Beelzebub
5. Rock N’ Roll Mephistopheles Gets The Groupies
6. Evil Spelt backwards, God spelt backwards, Bob spelt backwards...?
7. Plant The Demon Seed... And Maybe Some Petunias and Daisies
Rock on! Satan! I’m talking about the archfiend, the beast, brute, devil, evil
spirit, fiend, goblin, hellion, imp, incubus, malignant spirit, monster,
Lucifer, Mephistopheles, and any other names that you can call Satan... I
found these ones in a Thesaurus... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This album rocks harder
than Satan and Lucifer at a Kiss and Ozzy concert! Rock N’ Roll, man! Yahoo!!
Satan lives! Cool!! Well, hot... in Hell... And this album is hotter than
it... Hell, that is... So... um, keep rocking. Rocking... Hard, yeah, hard to
this most excellent album. Um... Satan... Yeah, Satan wants you to know that
this album is... totally... Satanic. Yeah... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Rock on... Um,
Satan Rules... 666... Keep rocking... We’re coming to your town, man. This
isn’t the last you’ll be hearing of Heavy Load...! At least, I hope not... Our
singer’s talking about quitting and we jam in his parent’s basement... We need
him. He buys the pot and writes the lyrics. It would be pretty heavy if he
quit. Hah! “Heavy!” Get it? Like in Heavy Load. Our band, man!!!
Rock n’ roll...!
Glenn (Rhythm Guitar) 1983
Cover art: A Repressed Homosexual © 1983 Rock Pig Records
Also!
A new and great tune, White Lines, from The Party Party at
www.thepartyparty.com.
While you’re
visiting, check out
http://www.abandcalledme.com/ I’ve become addicted to the song, dv
luvva.
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice
for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian
and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Attack of the Foot Fetish
Dear Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’ve always had an attraction to feet. I don’t know why. I’ve tried to “cure”
myself by not looking, but it doesn’t go away. Does this mean I’m some kind of
weirdo? Is there treatment to save my doomed soul?
My wife thinks it’s fine (she’s a size 12), in fact since she found out, she now
paints her toes. They look like little Popsicles!
Do you think I’m insane?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mrraghhhhh! Get away from me weirdo!! Ha, ha. Frankenstein kidding. Sure, feet
full of potentially disgusting stuff like toe jam, athlete’s foot, psoriasis,
eczema and jungle rot, but if you and bigfoot wife okay with it, me see no harm.
Your foot fetish seem mild and within acceptable social parameters. Unlike
Frankenstein’s freakish head and bolt in neck, which go way beyond what is
considered “normal.” Still, if you find yourself ejaculating into stranger’s
shoes or wanting to date strapless pumps then you a bigger freak than
Frankenstein and need to worry. Until then, do what feel good. Mrragggggggh!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
You will continue to view dilettantes as frivolous and superficial dabblers of
the arts.
Taurus: Your
love of large buttocks continues to make you happy and content.
Gemini: See above.
Cancer: Your outward show of calm masks an inner sense of urgency.
However, the urine stains in your pants let everyone know that you’re freaking
out.
Leo: You’re complex like an octo-monkey.
Virgo: You’re making things unnecessarily difficult for yourself. What
you should do is... Actually, what do I care?
Libra: You’ve been going round in ever shrinking circles. Describe the
view in 50 words or less.
Scorpio: You will continue to beat the sneeze guard at the salad bar.
Sagittarius: Your junk is hanging out.
Capricorn: Jupiter, God of sarcastic answers will answer all your
questions – in a sarcastic manner.
Aquarius: You’ll read this and think, “why aren’t I laughing?”
Pisces: You have been weighed down by concerns about a particular
individual. You never should have married that guy.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
Oh that
silly-billy Tommy Cruiser! He’s just nuts. Gay as a flaming 3 dollar bill and
so determined to wed Katie Holmes... It’s all a rich tapestry of wacky!
The demented little fella is also writing a secret “wedding journal” that
includes his thoughts on his wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as he’s
calling it.
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Working on my vows. I’m thinking of maybe a poem. Having a hard time finding a
rhyme for impotent... Hmm, maybe “omnipotent?” So far I’ve got this...
”My dearest Katie, it’s you who I’ll wed
But don’t expect much to happen in our bridal bed
Still, I will provide, and soon you’ll see
The joys of Scientology!”
Hmm, maybe I should get someone to ghost write it. Wonder if that guy who wrote
“Into The Blue” is available?
Babies...
INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Judy and George in
bed. The sound of a baby crying
wakes them.
GEORGE: I don't believe
this...what time is it?
JUDY: Three a.m.
GEORGE: Good God it's
like clockwork. Who's turn is it?
JUDY: Yours...I was up
an hour ago.
GEORGE: Well so was
I...
JUDY: (pleading) Just
make it stop George, please!
Judy turns over and
pulls pillow over her head.
GEORGE:
Alright...alright...
George sits up in
bed.
GEORGE (CONT'D): FOR
CHRIST'S SAKE SHUT UP!!
The crying stops.
George lies back down. After
a moment, the crying starts again.
GEORGE (CONT'D):
Judy...Judy...I did everything I can. You're
up.
Judy hits George
with her pillow, gets up and walks to bedroom window.
JUDY: Good God George!!
There are five of them.
GEORGE: Five?
Where?
George gets out of
bed and walks to window.
JUDY: Out by the
composter. See, right there.
George removes
slipper and throws it.
GEORGE: God damned
babies...people should be forced to keep them in at night.
Look at the filthy little things.
If I had any nerve I'd put them in a sack and deal with them the same
way my father did.
JUDY: George, don't be
awful. Shoo...shoo now...go home...
GEORGE: You know why
they're here don't you? It's that
god damned Wilson baby. See the
way he's peeing all over my trash cans. That
brings them in hordes. Well I'll
tell you one thing, Wilson is getting a call from me in the morning.
JUDY: (pause) Maybe
they just like it here.
GEORGE: My God Judy,
you haven't been breast feeding them have you?
JUDY: Well...
GEORGE: Great, now
we'll never get rid of them.
JUDY: I couldn't help
it George. It was raining out and
the skinny one with the birthmark came scratching at the door...He was so cute
and scraggly. George why can't we
have one of our own?
GEORGE: Judy, how many
times do I have to tell you... I'm allergic.
JUDY: But the doctor
said there are drugs...pills you can take.
GEORGE: Not now Judy!!
(looks out window) Oh great now their crawling all over my car and
leaving greasy little footprints all over my hood and windows.
Get off my car! I'll
never get any sleep.
JUDY: Maybe if we sung
to them...lull them to sleep.
GEORGE: I think their
diapers are leaking...
JUDY: George...a
lullaby.
GEORGE: Alright...
BOTH: (singing)
“You’re once, twice, three times a baby...”
JUDY: It's working.
Look, the one in the birch tree just nodded off.
GEORGE: I guess it is
kinda cute...
JUDY: Those bald heads
are so adorable.
They gaze out the
window for a moment and then turn toward each other.
GEORGE: I love you
honey.
JUDY: I love you too.
But I've got to get some sleep. So
go out there, put them in a box and we'll drop them all at Wilson's front
door.
GEORGE: Gotcha!
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
kirstie alley leather
phrenology of hamlet
dog superwomen costumes
mrs. retalalack
reapers image adonis
tattoo flaming trampoline
tex avery 10 foot pole cat
scorpio liqour bottle
cat and green urine
similes about the chicago bears
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Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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