"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 1
Babies...
INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Judy and George in
bed. The sound of a baby crying
wakes them.
GEORGE: I don't believe
this...what time is it?
JUDY: Three a.m.
GEORGE: Good God it's
like clockwork. Who's turn is it?
JUDY: Yours...I was up
an hour ago.
GEORGE: Well so was
I...
JUDY: (pleading) Just
make it stop George, please!
Judy turns over and
pulls pillow over her head.
GEORGE:
Alright...alright...
George sits up in
bed.
GEORGE (CONT'D): FOR
CHRIST'S SAKE SHUT UP!!
The crying stops.
George lies back down. After
a moment, the crying starts again.
GEORGE (CONT'D):
Judy...Judy...I did everything I can. You're
up.
Judy hits George
with her pillow, gets up and walks to bedroom window.
JUDY: Good God George!!
There are five of them.
GEORGE: Five?
Where?
George gets out of
bed and walks to window.
JUDY: Out by the
composter. See, right there.
George removes
slipper and throws it.
GEORGE: God damned
babies...people should be forced to keep them in at night.
Look at the filthy little things.
If I had any nerve I'd put them in a sack and deal with them the same
way my father did.
JUDY: George, don't be
awful. Shoo...shoo now...go home...
GEORGE: You know why
they're here don't you? It's that
god damned Wilson baby. See the
way he's peeing all over my trash cans. That
brings them in hordes. Well I'll
tell you one thing, Wilson is getting a call from me in the morning.
JUDY: (pause) Maybe
they just like it here.
GEORGE: My God Judy,
you haven't been breast feeding them have you?
JUDY: Well...
GEORGE: Great, now
we'll never get rid of them.
JUDY: I couldn't help
it George. It was raining out and
the skinny one with the birthmark came scratching at the door...He was so cute
and scraggly. George why can't we
have one of our own?
GEORGE: Judy, how many
times do I have to tell you... I'm allergic.
JUDY: But the doctor
said there are drugs...pills you can take.
GEORGE: Not now Judy!!
(looks out window) Oh great now their crawling all over my car and
leaving greasy little footprints all over my hood and windows.
Get off my car! I'll
never get any sleep.
JUDY: Maybe if we sung
to them...lull them to sleep.
GEORGE: I think their
diapers are leaking...
JUDY: George...a
lullaby.
GEORGE: Alright...
BOTH: (singing)
“You’re once, twice, three times a baby...”
JUDY: It's working.
Look, the one in the birch tree just nodded off.
GEORGE: I guess it is
kinda cute...
JUDY: Those bald heads
are so adorable.
They gaze out the
window for a moment and then turn toward each other.
GEORGE: I love you
honey.
JUDY: I love you too.
But I've got to get some sleep. So
go out there, put them in a box and we'll drop them all at Wilson's front
door.
GEORGE: Gotcha!
Your Horoscope:
Aries: Don’t be quick to take on new
responsibilities because, let's face it, responsibilities suck.
Taurus:
There are so many new and exciting things for you to discover in your nose.
Dig away, explorer!
Gemini: Alexander the Great put his sword to good use when he slashed
through the Gordian Knot, thus launching the conquest of the world and you,
who are anything but great, can’t even carve a roast beef.
Cancer: Consider soap.
Leo: You will continue to view Chihuahuas as a very small breed
of dogs with pointed ears that originated in Mexico.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: Uranus is... Ha! “Uranus.”
Scorpio: There have been moments recently when you weren’t sure whether
to laugh or cry. However, your solution to craugh was completely perplexing.
Smarten up.
Sagittarius: Generally speaking, you’re annoying.
Capricorn: Venus suggests that while the possibility of fulfilling your
desire for control is remote, your chances of finding the remote control are
good.
Aquarius: You will continue to frighten children.
Pisces: My dad is bigger than your dad.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
Oh
that Tommy Cruiser. He still plans on carrying out the sham that is his
marriage to Katie Holmes.
The talent-challenged little
guy is also writing a secret “wedding journal” that includes his thoughts
on his wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as he’s calling it.
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Oh pooh. I broke a nail the other night while playing twister with the
fellows. Still, it was worth it. Katie phoned after everyone had left and I
was far too spent to talk to the ninny. Still, that didn’t stop her from
prattling on about how she couldn’t wait for our wedding night and all the
things she planned to do to me. I don’t mind saying I was not only repulsed
but terrified. I should start looking into finding the female equivalent of
Salt Peter.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Paddy Roberts: Songs For Gay Dogs
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Butt Smelling Dog
2. Give Me A Bone
3. It’s Fun to Hump at The SPCA
4. Heavy Breathing, Hanging Tongues
5. Make You My Bitch
Side Two
1. Bend Over Rover
2. Sniff Sniff, I Remember You Now!
3. Neutered Blues
4. King (Bury It & Make Me Bark)
5. French My Poodle
I love my gay dog. I’m not ashamed of my gay dog. My wife has a hard time
accepting that our dog is gay. But not me. I’m okay with it. Yup, real good.
Sure, sometimes I lie awake at nights wondering what the hell kind of depraved
things it’s doing with other gay dogs, but I still marched in their parade.
And let me tell you, freedom of sexual choice is all fine and dandy but some
of those doggie floats bordered on pornography. Still, I love my gay dog. I accept me
gay dog. If I keep telling myself that then it’s gotta be true. Right?
Paddy Roberts (Tolerant Pet Owner) 1971
Cover
photo: Paddy’s Less Tolerant Wife ©
1971 Barking Mad Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
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Only 84 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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