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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 29
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Government Falls... Bono Is Crushed
Sure, the no confidence vote is in and the Liberal party has been toppled
out of power but even worse,
Paul
Martin has apparently hurt Bono’s feelings!
I gather the poor millionaire singer is “crushed” by princely Paul’s refusal to
commit to 0.7% of Canada’s gross domestic productivity to help wipe out global
poverty.
Watch out Paul, when the rock stars get mad at you, you’re in trouble.
As we mere mortals all know, rock stars are super humans, no, demi-gods, who are
better than us and who now unofficially run not only international policy but
the world. Our politicians and the general public need these lectures
from smug rock stars telling us about our failures and what we must do improve
ourselves. Next up, how about some domestic policy tips from Tommy Lee?
Daily
Link-O-Ramas
Warning Label Generator
All of
life’s answers are revealed at
Strindberg And Helium
Three cheers for
one good move
My pick
for the most hilarious thing of the year...
Ah, real life. Nothing’s funnier... Go
Granny
The Workaholic
grow-a-brain is one of the best places on the internet for great links.
When driving, watch
out for amorous moose November
Love Makes Wild Animals Blind
Speaking of moose...
Lets Moose Around!
And, of course, let us not forget:
Desperate Moose Wives
Fun! Fun! Fun!
Movie Bunny
The latest video from Bush Flash is graphic stuff: it’s also important, powerful,
and must be seen: Prevail
In case you haven’t, why not get slightly morbid with
The Tombstone Generator
Your Horoscope
Aries:
Emotions float to the surface at inconvenient times – keep them locked away. You
have no need for these things.
Taurus:
It's been just a month since the last time you were faced with a decision of
this calibre – we suggest you go with butter, not margarine.
Gemini: Work will keep you busy, but you won't be happy about it.
So you will do a crappy job. This will cause the company you work for to suffer
and lay off employees. You will not be among this group. Ergo, keep doing a
half assed job.
Cancer: You will continue to view tulips as bulbous plants of the
genus Tulipa.
Leo: Your toolbar settings have become a big issue... But only because
nothing else is going on in your life.
Virgo: Making plans for a big date? Ha! Yeah, right...
Libra: Minor setbacks shouldn't cloud your sunny outlook – but
they do.
Scorpio: We shouldn’t make fun of other
people’s problems – but we do.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Capricorn, heed these words. Start your Xmas shopping on the
24th of December.
Aquarius: You’re a bit of alright.
Pisces: Nothing to tell you today, Pisces.
Ask Ralph!
Are you a Conservative who
likes to screw over other Conservatives? Do you need advice on what
inappropriate things to say in order to ensure that your federal right wing
political party never wins? If so, the answers to your problems are all here!
“If I were a betting man, I’d say
there
would be another Liberal minority.”
Dear Conservative Slayer
Ralph: I’m a self loathing Conservative and I want to shoot my mouth off to
spite my face and subsequently shoot myself and my party in the foot in order to
help the Liberals. What should I do?
Bush Lover in Alberta
Dear Bush Lover: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down. All those mixed metaphors are
making me thirsty. Okay, here’s a guaranteed winner: “Private Health Care.” Say
those three words as many times as you can and incorporate them in sentences.
For example: “As a Conservative, I think private heath care is the way of the
future.” Or, something along the lines of, “I think the Conservatives are on the
right track by privatizing health care.” Be creative, just always try and find a
way to sneak those three little words into conversations. I promise you it will
scare the average schmoe into voting Liberal.
Congratulations Merry Old England On Your New Drinking Laws...
And might I add, that it's about bloody time! More on this boozy development
in a December rant...
(Thanks to Spud for the image)
The Farmer's Daughter
INT. FARM -- DAY
A farmer sits by table drinking coffee.
FARMER: I'm a farmer...a good one. It hasn't been easy for me but I've survived.
I do my best to support my family...at least I did until they started to
meddle...it's hard to get a moment's rest when your being hounded like a dog.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
Farmer's daughter hanging laundry.
DAUGHTER: My father is a good, kind man. He shouldn't lose his farm because of
interference from them...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
A Salesman standing at door.
SALESMAN: Hi...I'm a traveling salesman and my car just broke down.
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I can't get any work done with them always showing up. It's uncanny the
way their cars breakdown around here. I must be on a major trade route or
something. But as much as they're a nuisance I feel it's my obligation to help
out.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: It's getting late out and I was wondering...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I let them spend the night.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: He let's them spend the night.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: Oh that's great! I'll sleep in the barn.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I guess it all started about 10 years ago. I was 17 and a traveling
salesman showed up needing a place to spend the night. He was a Fuller Brush
man: wide tie, narrow features and a gift for the gab. Bernie, Bernie Slopak,
and I guess the romance of the explorer took me over. We talked and laughed and
went for a walk. He had a bottle of cheap whiskey in his samples case and he let
me drink it all to myself...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I swear I must have seen more then 7 thousand of them in the last 10
years.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: Say, is that your daughter?
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I spent the night with him in the barn...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: Now I'm a religious man but even charity has it's limits. After a while
I started charging them 20 dollars a night and for some reason they were more
then happy to pay...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: It was a beautiful experience. I made him promise he wouldn't tell
another soul about the whirlwind of passion that had transpired between us. But
pretty soon after that we had as many as three or four salesmen a day showing up
with their Fuller Brushes and cheap bottles of booze. I never minded much, in
fact I kind of liked the attention but I never slept with any of the others. But
I guess after a while it didn't matter, the whole situation had taken on mythic
proportions...that's when I started hearing the jokes...
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Salesman talking to others.
SALESMAN: And then I picked up this corn cob...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: They spend the night. Occasionally one makes a pass but it's never a
big deal. They sleep in the barn and in the morning they're back on their way
with a new chapter in the farmer's daughter legacy.
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: Their cars are always fine in the morning...dangest thing.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I never heard from Bernie again but I think of him a lot. I usually
imagine him blabbing to anyone who would listen and I think...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: If there were as many farmers as there are traveling salesmen the world
would be a better place.
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
SALESMAN: This woman should wear asbestos panties...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: What a little prick.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
canadian election insanity
avery the puissant
alcohol flavored lollypops
cardinals dress
complacency breeds contentment
beware hot dog salesman
joke charities
tad huntington
words that rhyme with fruity
vile balloons
Only 26
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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