 |
"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 24
HEY KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice for the
lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian and all
monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Dear
Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’m fabulous, newly married, shiny, blessed with wonderful teeth and the
most loving and supportive in-laws. However, I hate dogs and my in-laws have one
which they treat like a baby. They dress it up in clothes, and more
disturbingly, when they’ve finished eating, pass their plates and bowls to the
dog for it to lick clean. It’s disgusting, right?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmggh. Dogs no like Frankenstein and Frankenstein no like dogs. But
Frankenstein does think dog taste good. Frankenstein very Asian in his thinking
this way... Ha, ha, ha... Frankenstein joke, Frankenstein joke. But Frankenstein
will tell you that dog’s saliva has less bacteria than human’s. So Frankenstein
suggest you start kissing dog on mouth until you comfortable with eating off the
same plate as dog. It not pretty solution, but Frankenstein not pretty monster!
Mrraggghhhhhhhh!
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Oh, just
kiss and make up
Yet another
lovers' quarrel! Paul won’t
look at Harpo until he apologizes for a
perceived slight and Harpo won’t apologize
until Paul learns to “really listen” to his needs.
The federal Liberals
spending spree and all out bribery continues as they have promised to pull more
cash from their G-strings and dish out more than $10-billion this week for
labour-market fun days, victims of Liberal party scandals, the “soft wood” porn
industry and impoverished and very hungry, hungry, hippos.
Yes, dear readers, the government continues to shake its money maker until we
can’t take it and throw the cash around like there’s no tomorrow.
Sure the mixed metaphors are confusing, but so is Canadian politics.
The funniest bit of it so far: Every minister questioned seems incredulous that
this is a bribe, and uses the same response: “I’ve been working on this for 6
months.”
They've all said the exact thing to reporters while trying to manage to look hurt and
dismayed that this sudden surge of generosity could be even begin to be
conceived as a tax bribe for votes.
So six months, huh? Well, I guess you good folks were planning to have
all these goodies ready for us just around the time the final Gomery Report
comes in. Which is right around the time you sly scamps promised to call the election.
Timing is everything...
But in even bigger and more tantalizing news – Paul Martini and Steven Harpo are
in the midst of a lover’s quarrel and are no longer speaking to each other.
Depending on whom you speak to, this spat is over:
a) Martini’s inability to really listen to Steve’s needs
b) Steve’s reluctance to pick up after himself and his refusal to put down the toilet seat
c) Widely different ideological and political opinions on stuff
Harpo, who really looks
quite fey and prissy when he gets all persnickety, said that the Great Martini
is "only willing to make announcements once he’s certain that I am going to
defeat him. He’s also a commitment phobic. Oh, and frankly, he’s let himself go
in the looks department.”
Martini responded by saying that he tries to workout everyday, that he was
keeping his commitments and that Harpo was an inconsiderate lover. “I may rush
things through congress, but unlike him, I never rush when I’m getting busy in
the sack,” The Great Martini said.
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You will find yourself wondering what is wrong with kids today – it’s official,
you’re old.
Taurus:
Anything is possible – if you have enough money.
Gemini: Life’s hard knocks have brought you wisdom – and a forehead with
lots of dents in it.
Cancer: Ostensibly perspicacious instinctualization is not your forte.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You will continue to view lemurs
as
small arboreal, mostly nocturnal primates chiefly of the family Lemuridae of
Madagascar and adjacent islands.
Libra:
You’ve reached the third base in the 29 day lunar cycle – what do you want, a
medal?
Scorpio: Anything to do with your mind stopped working years ago.
Sagittarius: Already you can feel your confidence levels beginning to
rise and – oops, there they go back down again!
Capricorn: When it comes to criticism you’re the king at giving it and a
whiny, smelly, lice-ridden, pauper when it comes to taking it.
Aquarius: You have watched and waited long enough – now you will get
drunk and fall down.
Pisces: Exchanging bodily fluids with a leper turns out to be a simply
terrible mistake.
George Bush’s No Exit Strategy
Brilliant
tactician, George Bush, provides a physical demonstration of his “No
Exit Strategy."
Hockey Dads
INT. ARENA -- EVENING
Ted and Ernie seated beside each other watching hockey game.
TED: Kill him! Smash his head in!
ERNIE: Pulverize him! Rip his throat out!
TED: Great game huh?
ERNIE: Great game!
TED: So...how old is your boy anyway?
ERNIE: He'll be six in a month. Pretty big for his age, isn't he? He's seventh
in league scoring. No. 66, that's him...
TED: Really? Well my son's always had a knack for defence, just like his dad. I
mean you can score all the goals you want, but what you really need is a good
solid defence.
ERNIE: That's very true...and if you've got a knack for it, that's great. Leave
the goal scoring and playmaking to the better players.
TED: My boy's only just turned five, but I managed to get him bumped up in the
league. The coach saw a little something extra in him. But you know, we're just
grooming him for peewee, then midget, and then, well if his knees hold out, who
knows?
ERNIE: Same with my boy, of course he's an all round type. Plays soccer and
Aussie rules football as well...GO!
TED: Get him!
ERNIE: Go! Go!
TED: Get him! Get him!
ERNIE: Ohhh...Of course he still falls occasionally. GET UP JASON! But I got him
working on ankle exercises. Anyway, I'm Ernie Adams. I'm in regional sales.
They shake hands.
TED: I'm Ted Forest.
ERNIE: Nice too meet you. Nothing like a little friendly competition is there?
TED: Not at all.
ERNIE: Which one is your boy?
TED: No. 5.
ERNIE: The one lying on the ice?
TED: Playing possum, I teach the boy strategy too, keep his mind working. I
mean, you just can't turn them into little barbarians. GET UP DAVID! BE A MAN!!
ERNIE: That's true. You have to prepare them for things in life that are going
to force them to think. If hockey doesn't work out for my boy he's expressed an
interest in regional sales.
TED: Really? I would have thought he was a little young to be thinking along
those lines.
ERNIE: I keep him abreast of my situation at work, my other boys as well...I
have three. I imagine we'll start our own firm one day. Me in charge, but the
boys working together.
TED: My son is really just in this for the lessons it can teach him about life.
He wants to learn how to be part of a team, that type of thing. I've always
thought of him as more of as more the serious business type -- JESUS CHRIST
DAVID, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
ERNIE: Is he alright? He skated right into the net! Oh look, he's crying.
TED: No. Uh, yeah, he definitely strikes me as the serious business type. He's
already got a paper route, and of course he mows our lawn.
ERNIE: Same with my boys. No time for idle lollygagging, they're serious lads.
Kill him Jason, smash his head in!
TED: Pulverize him David, rip his throat out.
They both look at each other uncomfortably then laugh.
TED: Ahh, but it's great to see them having such fun.
ERNIE: I think your boy's crying again.
TED: Get up David, that 'a boy. HIT HIM!
ERNIE: Ow. Nice 'hit,' he slashed my kid right across the ankles.
TED: Yeah, it's amazing how quickly they learn, isn't it?
ERNIE: It's true, they grow up so quickly. It seems like one minute you're
peeling them out of diapers and the next you're bailing them out of jail...Not
that I've ever had any problems with my boys, I teach them respect,
responsibility...KILL HIM JASON! RETALIATE! RETALIATE!
TED: I don't think he understands you. But don't worry, he's young. Hey, they
both are. They've got plenty of time.
ERNIE: Yeah but before you know it they'll be in high school, making all kinds
of new friends, getting ready for University.
TED: Hating their fathers for doing this to them but...
BOTH: Thanking us later...
ERNIE: Well we might as well as enjoy this while we can, before you know it,
these will be nothing but memories.
TED: Yeah. The next thing we know they'll be dating...SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!
ERNIE: I think his stick's too short...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
bridal foot fetish
elmo hates gay
sex scenes of the ants
interview with golf caddy
avery england
russian groin kicks
séance recipes
synchronicity and soup
election insanity
pious avery
Only 31
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
|
Send
this site to your friend! |
 |
