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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 21
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Santa to Goodale – Stop Stealing My Thunder!
The
jolly fat old man with a white beard
and a red suit, who brings gifts to good children on Christmas Eve, yes, Santa
Claus, is reportedly pissed at Ralph Goodale.
“He’s really
pushing his luck,” the ball of jollosity said, ”this is my time of the year to
shine and that rat bastard swoops in with a tax bribe in order to buy votes.”
Santa has called Mr. Goodale and requested that he, ”knock it off.”
”Look,” Santa continued, “I give out presents to everyone who has been good. Now
he wants to dish out gifts to everyone regardless of their behaviour. With all
this happening at the same time of the year, it causes a lot of confusion and
mixed signals. I mean, now people are wondering: What’s the difference between
Santa and Goodale? Do they live in Ottawa or the North Pole? Does Santa
wear a red suit or a business suit? Not only that, but people are losing sight
of the fact that the purpose of this government isn’t simply to collect taxes
and then give the money back in tax cuts. The purpose of the government is to
govern. Of course, while this whole tax bribe is annoying, what really ticks me
off are the neoconservatives who seek to enhance the power of their
private interests by diminishing the power of government. Okay, okay, I know,
I'm off tangent here, but like I said, I'm angry! And when Santa's angry, he
rambles. My point is that Goodale might be trying to steal my thunder, but he
sure as hell won't be getting anything from me this year."
When asked on his thoughts on the upcoming non-confidence vote, Saint Nick,
curled his lip and shook a wrathful fist. "All I can say about that is, ho, ho, ho!”
Your Horoscope
Aries:
It takes a frightfully large amount of beastly cajoling before you take umbrage
at a blighter’s rude behaviour. But what ho, when that moment does arrive,
you’ll stomp all over the bounder in hobnailed boots, eh wot?
Taurus: After
faltering over some of life’s hurdles, now is the time to find new things to
falter over.
Gemini: You will continue to view smelts as
any of
various small silvery marine and freshwater food fishes of the family Osmeridae,
found in cold waters of the Northern Hemisphere, especially Osmerus mordax
of North America and O. eperlanus of Europe.
Cancer: See above.
Leo: Let’s take a look at what’s in your suitcase. There’s nearly half a
ton of fed up pent up emotions in there. Oh, and look, a human head.
Virgo: With the first few breaths of blowing into a balloon, nothing much
happens. But with persistence you become short of breath and have a heart
attack.
Libra: So many people around you are serene yet melancholy, you see a lot
of these types in opium dens.
Scorpio: Saturn and Mars speak of your need to remain focused and of your
small genitals.
Sagittarius: Your fascination with newts continues to perplex all who
know you.
Capricorn: Your search for the perfect deodorant finally ends.
Aquarius: You are famed for your ability to see both sides of every
story. You are a four eyed circus freak who goes by the name of “The Many Eyed
Creature.”
Pisces: Jazz music continues to really annoy you.
CLASS
PROJECT GONE WRONG
An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home
to their parents.
They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided
to use cactus plants.
The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which
they painted with glaze.
The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see
the process.
They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but
unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were
then allowed to take them home instead.
The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time...
Hockey Dads
INT. ARENA -- EVENING
Ted and Ernie seated beside each other watching hockey game.
TED: Kill him! Smash his head in!
ERNIE: Pulverize him! Rip his throat out!
TED: Great game huh?
ERNIE: Great game!
TED: So...how old is your boy anyway?
ERNIE: He'll be six in a month. Pretty big for his age, isn't he? He's seventh
in league scoring. No. 66, that's him...
TED: Really? Well my son's always had a knack for defence, just like his dad. I
mean you can score all the goals you want, but what you really need is a good
solid defence.
ERNIE: That's very true...and if you've got a knack for it, that's great. Leave
the goal scoring and playmaking to the better players.
TED: My boy's only just turned five, but I managed to get him bumped up in the
league. The coach saw a little something extra in him. But you know, we're just
grooming him for peewee, then midget, and then, well if his knees hold out, who
knows?
ERNIE: Same with my boy, of course he's an all round type. Plays soccer and
Aussie rules football as well...GO!
TED: Get him!
ERNIE: Go! Go!
TED: Get him! Get him!
ERNIE: Ohhh...Of course he still falls occasionally. GET UP JASON! But I got him
working on ankle exercises. Anyway, I'm Ernie Adams. I'm in regional sales.
They shake hands.
TED: I'm Ted Forest.
ERNIE: Nice too meet you. Nothing like a little friendly competition is there?
TED: Not at all.
ERNIE: Which one is your boy?
TED: No. 5.
ERNIE: The one lying on the ice?
TED: Playing possum, I teach the boy strategy too, keep his mind working. I
mean, you just can't turn them into little barbarians. GET UP DAVID! BE A MAN!!
ERNIE: That's true. You have to prepare them for things in life that are going
to force them to think. If hockey doesn't work out for my boy he's expressed an
interest in regional sales.
TED: Really? I would have thought he was a little young to be thinking along
those lines.
ERNIE: I keep him abreast of my situation at work, my other boys as well...I
have three. I imagine we'll start our own firm one day. Me in charge, but the
boys working together.
TED: My son is really just in this for the lessons it can teach him about life.
He wants to learn how to be part of a team, that type of thing. I've always
thought of him as more of as more the serious business type -- JESUS CHRIST
DAVID, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
ERNIE: Is he alright? He skated right into the net! Oh look, he's crying.
TED: No. Uh, yeah, he definitely strikes me as the serious business type. He's
already got a paper route, and of course he mows our lawn.
ERNIE: Same with my boys. No time for idle lollygagging, they're serious lads.
Kill him Jason, smash his head in!
TED: Pulverize him David, rip his throat out.
They both look at each other uncomfortably then laugh.
TED: Ahh, but it's great to see them having such fun.
ERNIE: I think your boy's crying again.
TED: Get up David, that 'a boy. HIT HIM!
ERNIE: Ow. Nice 'hit,' he slashed my kid right across the ankles.
TED: Yeah, it's amazing how quickly they learn, isn't it?
ERNIE: It's true, they grow up so quickly. It seems like one minute you're
peeling them out of diapers and the next you're bailing them out of jail...Not
that I've ever had any problems with my boys, I teach them respect,
responsibility...KILL HIM JASON! RETALIATE! RETALIATE!
TED: I don't think he understands you. But don't worry, he's young. Hey, they
both are. They've got plenty of time.
ERNIE: Yeah but before you know it they'll be in high school, making all kinds
of new friends, getting ready for University.
TED: Hating their fathers for doing this to them but...
BOTH: Thanking us later...
ERNIE: Well we might as well as enjoy this while we can, before you know it,
these will be nothing but memories.
TED: Yeah. The next thing we know they'll be dating...SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!
ERNIE: I think his stick's too short...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
bridal foot fetish
elmo hates gay
sex scenes of the ants
interview with golf caddy
avery england
russian groin kicks
séance recipes
synchronicity and soup
election insanity
pious avery
Only 34
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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