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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 18
Hockey Dads
INT. ARENA -- EVENING
Ted and Ernie seated beside each other watching hockey game.
TED: Kill him! Smash his head in!
ERNIE: Pulverize him! Rip his throat out!
TED: Great game huh?
ERNIE: Great game!
TED: So...how old is your boy anyway?
ERNIE: He'll be six in a month. Pretty big for his age, isn't he? He's seventh
in league scoring. No. 66, that's him...
TED: Really? Well my son's always had a knack for defence, just like his dad. I
mean you can score all the goals you want, but what you really need is a good
solid defence.
ERNIE: That's very true...and if you've got a knack for it, that's great. Leave
the goal scoring and playmaking to the better players.
TED: My boy's only just turned five, but I managed to get him bumped up in the
league. The coach saw a little something extra in him. But you know, we're just
grooming him for peewee, then midget, and then, well if his knees hold out, who
knows?
ERNIE: Same with my boy, of course he's an all round type. Plays soccer and
Aussie rules football as well...GO!
TED: Get him!
ERNIE: Go! Go!
TED: Get him! Get him!
ERNIE: Ohhh...Of course he still falls occasionally. GET UP JASON! But I got him
working on ankle exercises. Anyway, I'm Ernie Adams. I'm in regional sales.
They shake hands.
TED: I'm Ted Forest.
ERNIE: Nice too meet you. Nothing like a little friendly competition is there?
TED: Not at all.
ERNIE: Which one is your boy?
TED: No. 5.
ERNIE: The one lying on the ice?
TED: Playing possum, I teach the boy strategy too, keep his mind working. I
mean, you just can't turn them into little barbarians. GET UP DAVID! BE A MAN!!
ERNIE: That's true. You have to prepare them for things in life that are going
to force them to think. If hockey doesn't work out for my boy he's expressed an
interest in regional sales.
TED: Really? I would have thought he was a little young to be thinking along
those lines.
ERNIE: I keep him abreast of my situation at work, my other boys as well...I
have three. I imagine we'll start our own firm one day. Me in charge, but the
boys working together.
TED: My son is really just in this for the lessons it can teach him about life.
He wants to learn how to be part of a team, that type of thing. I've always
thought of him as more of as more the serious business type -- JESUS CHRIST
DAVID, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
ERNIE: Is he alright? He skated right into the net! Oh look, he's crying.
TED: No. Uh, yeah, he definitely strikes me as the serious business type. He's
already got a paper route, and of course he mows our lawn.
ERNIE: Same with my boys. No time for idle lollygagging, they're serious lads.
Kill him Jason, smash his head in!
TED: Pulverize him David, rip his throat out.
They both look at each other uncomfortably then laugh.
TED: Ahh, but it's great to see them having such fun.
ERNIE: I think your boy's crying again.
TED: Get up David, that 'a boy. HIT HIM!
ERNIE: Ow. Nice 'hit,' he slashed my kid right across the ankles.
TED: Yeah, it's amazing how quickly they learn, isn't it?
ERNIE: It's true, they grow up so quickly. It seems like one minute you're
peeling them out of diapers and the next you're bailing them out of jail...Not
that I've ever had any problems with my boys, I teach them respect,
responsibility...KILL HIM JASON! RETALIATE! RETALIATE!
TED: I don't think he understands you. But don't worry, he's young. Hey, they
both are. They've got plenty of time.
ERNIE: Yeah but before you know it they'll be in high school, making all kinds
of new friends, getting ready for University.
TED: Hating their fathers for doing this to them but...
BOTH: Thanking us later...
ERNIE: Well we might as well as enjoy this while we can, before you know it,
these will be nothing but memories.
TED: Yeah. The next thing we know they'll be dating...SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!
ERNIE: I think his stick's too short...
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
My
Lunch With Jack
Shared an aperitif with fab flip flopper Jack Layton. He made all kinds of
snarky digs at Paul Martin’s expense and repeatedly called him “Princely Paul.”
Mildly funny stuff, if not a tad hypocritical considering that Jack is “the
undisputed king of rhetoric.” Ah, but where would we be without politicians and
their rhetoric? Probably in our happy place. Anyway, now that Jack’s no longer
snuggled up with the Liberals and is making the beast with three backs with the
Reform Party (aka Conservative Party) and the Bloc, he’s really keen on sticking
the knife into Paul while putting the boot in at the same time. After his second
sparkling wine, his diatribe became more sparkling as well: half-lit, he lit
into Mr. Martin again and claimed that he was responsible for the death of
optimistic voters (wha?), the death of the TV sitcom (huh?), the death of rock
n’ roll (okay, maybe...), the death of the near-death experience (I don’t see
that one), the death of God and Nietzsche (a bit of a
stretch), and the death of a salesman. Fascinating stuff – for sure; but
after about 20 minutes, rather headache inducing. When he realized I was
drinking water he actually offered to turn it into wine. I suggested he walk on
it and he seemed agreeable. Told him I had to make a phone call and ducked out.
As I left, I noticed he was yelling at a busboy to bring him loaves of bread,
Goodale’s head, some good ale, fresh veal chops, canapés, wild boar, and lepers
to heal.
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You will have an adventure involving a fruit pie.
Taurus:
Your
motto for the day: “Everything will turn out fine in the end” really lets you
down.
Gemini:
See above.
Cancer: You will continue to view royalty as people of royal lineage.
Leo: You will continue to view royalty as
the compensation that is paid to the
owner of an asset based on income earned by the asset's user.
Virgo:
You will continue to view the royal family as a complete waste of time.
Libra: You will start to worry that the rest of this horoscope will be
nothing but a cheap riff on royalty and the royal family.
Scorpio: You will worry about getting royally screwed over by your bank – or
the royal family.
Sagittarius: You will note that just because royalty has regal lineage
there is still nothing noble about them.
Capricorn: You have the nobility of an eagle and the diseases of a
pigeon.
Aquarius:
Being the
suspicious sort you are, you really have doubts about the validity of
horoscopes. Psst, you’re onto something. Keep digging...
Pisces:
Go back to bed.
This Week's Featured Album
Eddie Jackson!
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. The Happy, Crazy, Screaming Eddie Jackson Song
2. The Barber Shop Hop and Dirge
3. La Cucaracha (Screaming Mix)
4. Blow the Man Down (Traditional)
5. For He’s A Jolly Dead Fella’ (A Cappella)
6. Ave Marie (Live At A Slaughter House)
Side Two
1. Hello My Baby, I’m Gonna Kill Ya
2. Goodbye My Coney Island Victim
3. Roll Out The Barrel Of My Gun
4. I Don’t Want Her, You Can Have Him, They’re Too Dead For Me
5. 'Auf Wiedersehen, I’m Strangling In White Gloves
Again
6. Whoopee! Look at Me! I’m On a Killing Spree!
Poor Eddie Jackson. Totally insane as you can see. Look at that lower button
on his jacket. That’s the one! Just above what looks to be his open fly. Or
something equally maniacal... Of course the rumors about him were all true. And
lord, I should know. Cos, I’m Eddie Jackson! ...And folks, I’m a study in High
Fidelity: Which is also known as “personal demons.” Just call me Crazy Eddie! I
do Barber Shop. But get this: I do it solo. I’m a lone Barbershop howling wolf.
A Barber Shop Rebel. I don’t play or sing by the Barbershop rules. I’m out
there. Alone. An artiste. A ground breaker. A face breaker too. Oh, and everyone
says I look like that dad character from that awful “Everybody Loves Raymond” TV
show... Basically, I’m a pretty simple guy. Yeah, I can dance and sing. But I
can also turn violent. On a dime! I mean, come on; look at me! You should have
seen what I did to this guy who told me I was bastardizing the art of
Barbershop... I went totally genitals on the guy’s nuts. I mean, nuts on the
guy’s genitals. And then I killed him. It was the kindest thing I could have
done at that stage. Yes, I danced all over him while singing a barbershop
standard. It was “Moonlight Bay.” And it was beautiful... My rendition of the
song, that is. The rest of it was really rather messy. Not to mention loaded
with carnage and splayed guts and pieces of membrane. But that’s the solo Barber
Shop life for ya. It ain’t always corny harmonies and bland songs. Sometimes
people die... Mostly at the hands of me – Crazy Eddie Jackson!
Eddie
Jackson 2005
Cover Photo:
Chris Vigianni © 2005 Eddie Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
crystal meth jokes
canadian election insanity
saint avery
ant buddy
north caroling lesbian cheerleader
press release al jazeera
lollipot
fucking balloons democrat
drinking bull semen on wedding night
curious george birthday card
Only 37
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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