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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 15
Avery's Campaign Journal
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Bumped into Harpo at the hairdressers. He requires three technicians and several
high-powered hairspray guns to keep that hairdo of his pasted to his noggin. The
fumes tend to make him giddy and almost lifelike.
He railed about The Great Martini's 39 Billion Dollar Bribe, claiming the Fibs
don't have the "moral authority" to govern, let alone hand out tax cuts. Boy,
was he in a mood!
I
asked him to be honest and tell me if there was any truth to the rumours that he
was actually a despotic robot. He told me that my question, “does not compute”
and that any further inquiries along this line, “will result in cruel punishment
and my annihilation.”
I wasn’t sure if he was being funny, programmed to be funny, or just programmed.
I will say this, if there’s a more sanctimonious (excluding Layton, of course)
guy in today’s Canadian political scene, I don’t want to know him.
Harpo is so determined to try and bring the government down that he’s forgotten
one important factor: Most people in Ontario aren’t in any way shape or form
comfortable with the guy. And really, who can blame them?
And his chumming up with the NDP just makes him look as hypocritical as he did
when he chummed up with the Bloc. But Harpo is so desperate to win, I swear,
he’d martyr himself if he thought it would help his cause – and it just might.
And let’s be honest, we’d all at least like to see what he looked like nailed to
a cross or in some kind of Saint Sebastian pose – although it would probably be
best if he kept his shirt on.
I
think he could get quite serious about turning himself into a Reform Party
Martyr (and make no mistake, him and his cronies may call themselves
Conservatives, but this is still the Reform Party!) that I think he could take
it to the next “big martyrdom level.” You know the one, where the martyr suffers
not so much for his/her cause but for the sake of suffering itself. Toward the
end, he’d probably forget why he was running for PM in the first place. But if
that worked, and he won, then he’d remember! And then he could turn around and
make all of us suffer for his sins.
But that’s just a kooky theory, right?
This Week's Featured Album
Eddie Jackson!
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. The Happy, Crazy, Screaming Eddie Jackson Song
2. The Barber Shop Hop and Dirge
3. La Cucaracha (Screaming Mix)
4. Blow the Man Down (Traditional)
5. For He’s A Jolly Dead Fella’ (A Cappella)
6. Ave Marie (Live At A Slaughter House)
Side Two
1. Hello My Baby, I’m Gonna Kill Ya
2. Goodbye My Coney Island Victim
3. Roll Out The Barrel Of My Gun
4. I Don’t Want Her, You Can Have Him, They’re Too Dead For Me
5. 'Auf Wiedersehen, I’m Strangling In White Gloves
Again
6. Whoopee! Look at Me! I’m On a Killing Spree!
Poor Eddie Jackson. Totally insane as you can see. Look at that lower button
on his jacket. That’s the one! Just above what looks to be his open fly. Or
something equally maniacal... Of course the rumors about him were all true. And
lord, I should know. Cos, I’m Eddie Jackson! ...And folks, I’m a study in High
Fidelity: Which is also known as “personal demons.” Just call me Crazy Eddie! I
do Barber Shop. But get this: I do it solo. I’m a lone Barbershop howling wolf.
A Barber Shop Rebel. I don’t play or sing by the Barbershop rules. I’m out
there. Alone. An artiste. A ground breaker. A face breaker too. Oh, and everyone
says I look like that dad character from that awful “Everybody Loves Raymond” TV
show... Basically, I’m a pretty simple guy. Yeah, I can dance and sing. But I
can also turn violent. On a dime! I mean, come on; look at me! You should have
seen what I did to this guy who told me I was bastardizing the art of
Barbershop... I went totally genitals on the guy’s nuts. I mean, nuts on the
guy’s genitals. And then I killed him. It was the kindest thing I could have
done at that stage. Yes, I danced all over him while singing a barbershop
standard. It was “Moonlight Bay.” And it was beautiful... My rendition of the
song, that is. The rest of it was really rather messy. Not to mention loaded
with carnage and splayed guts and pieces of membrane. But that’s the solo Barber
Shop life for ya. It ain’t always corny harmonies and bland songs. Sometimes
people die... Mostly at the hands of me – Crazy Eddie Jackson!
Eddie
Jackson 2005
Cover Photo:
Chris Vigianni © 2005 Eddie Records
Imaginary Date
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM -- EVENING
Freddy and Glen comb their hair in front of a mirror.
FREDDY: Come on Glen you can't back out now. Besides, Lucy only agreed to go out
with me if I could find a date for her imaginary friend.
GLEN: And you think that's healthy, you want to date this woman?
FREDDY: Mental stability is highly over rated. I know it's unusual, but I'm just
asking you to play along, and besides, if you don't like her you never have to
see her again.
GLEN: Very funny.
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Glen, Freddy, Lucy and Imaginary Mandy seated at table.
LUCY: That movie was great, I could see Harvey a million times. Well if you men
will excuse us, Mandy and I really need to use the powder room. Come on, Mandy.
Lucy and her Imaginary Friend exit to the bath room.
FREDDY: Boy Glen, that Mandy is quite a knockout...hahaha...
GLEN: I outta kill you.
FREDDY: Shhh...I don't think she's left the room yet.
GLEN: I'm glad you think this is funny because as far as I'm concerned it's
sick.
FREDDY: (barely able to stifle his laughter) I can't believe you sat on her --
TWICE!
GLEN: And having to fork out twenty dollars for a meal she hasn't even
touched...I'm leaving after dinner.
FREDDY: Come on, please, hang in for another hour...I have a romantic drive in
the country planned.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
Lucy and Freddy in back seat. Glen sits in front passenger seat next to empty
driver's seat, the car is not moving.
GLEN: Maybe you should let me drive Mandy.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
The car is parked in the country. Glen and Imaginary Mandy are in the back seat. Lucy
and Freddy in the front.
FREDDY: Look Lucy I'm really sorry, my hand slipped.
LUCY: And your tongue?
From the back seat we hear Glen moaning in ecstasy.
FREDDY: Will you shut up, Glen?
LUCY: At least he knows how to treat a woman.
GLEN: Oh yes...me too.. yes... Oh yes!
FREDDY: I said shut up!
LUCY: I'm getting out of here, I'll walk home. Coming, Mandy?
GLEN: (popping his head up from back seat) Yes...she is... She really is...
INT. HOUSE -- DAY
Glen and Freddy. In the room are framed blank pictures all over the walls.
GLEN: She's late.
FREDDY: How can you tell?
GLEN: I don't mean that...I mean...late. I think I got her pregnant.
FREDDY: You got an imaginary girl pregnant?
GLEN: I don't understand it, I used an imaginary condom.
FREDDY: This is truly getting weird. First you plaster her picture everywhere
and now this.
GLEN: I think I love her.
FREDDY: She's imaginary.
GLEN: Racist!
FREDDY: She doesn't exist.
GLEN: Oh sure...well we all have our faults buddy, and hers aren't going to stop
me from marrying her.
FREDDY: I can't wait to meet her folks.
INT. HOUSE -- NIGHT
A slightly drunk Glen arrives home.
GLEN: I'm home... Yeah... yeah... Alright! Sorry, so I had a few beers, so what?
Yeah... Shut up... Can't you ever close that god damned yap of yours... No... No
I did not...with who? Get outta here... Your imagining things... Don't start...
You're so transparent... Yes, that was a slight. Oh give me...LOOK IT'S BEEN A
LONG DAY...Oh sorry, I didn't know the kids were in the room...
He pats an imaginary child's head.
GLEN: We'll talk later.
EXT. GRAVE SIDE -- MORNING
GLEN: Oh honey, I can't believe that you're gone...that I'll never see you
again. I wish I had been nicer, told you that I loved you more often. Good-bye
my love, I will miss you...
Glen is pushed into empty grave.
GLEN: Huh? Mandy? You were standing behind me the whole time...you're not dead?
Stop laughing Mandy this isn't funny, it wasn't funny the first time...I can't
believe it...
A shovel full of dirt hits his face.
GLEN: You're killing me Mandy, do you hear me? Killing me...
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
You will continue to view bromides as
binary
compounds of bromine with another element, such as silver.
Taurus:
You will continue to view bromides as commonplace remarks or notions.
Gemini: You will continue to view bromides as platitudes.
Cancer: You will continue to view bromides as tiresome, boring people.
Leo: You will read all about bromides.
Virgo: Today you will encounter a hostile bromide who will bore you to
death.
Libra: Your binary experiments involving bromides continue to frustrate.
Scorpio: See above.
Sagittarius: Today you will spout all kinds of bromides that most people
will turn a deaf ear to.
Capricorn: You will listen to a politician speak and realize that all he
is doing is spewing bromides.
Aquarius: Something about bromides...
Pisces: Your love of bromides comes to an end.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
crystal meth jokes
canadian election insanity
saint avery
ant buddy
north caroling lesbian cheerleader
press release al jazeera
lollipot
fucking balloons democrat
drinking bull semen on wedding night
curious george birthday card
Only 40
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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