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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 13
Sunday Is For Murder
Every year,
the F.B.I. is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including
murder/homicide. And every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its
"Top 20 Homicides of the Year".
Why do they do it?
"Because everyone loves a good top 20 list," said some guy from the F.B.I. "From
your 'Top 20 Reasons For Being Single' to your 'Top 20 Homicides of the Year'
people like lists."
The Top 20 of
1996 made for a rather notable list.
And for the
next 20 Sundays we’re gonna post a murder, making our way down to Number One!
Why? Good question...
Murder Number
20...
Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, was killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long
vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and
one night during a prolonged period of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20 inches
of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and
caused severe bleeding.
Way to go
Mrs. Mitjus. Next time you might want to consider divorce as another option. Or
KY Jelly.
Imaginary Date
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM -- EVENING
Freddy and Glen comb their hair in front of a mirror.
FREDDY: Come on Glen you can't back out now. Besides, Lucy only agreed to go out
with me if I could find a date for her imaginary friend.
GLEN: And you think that's healthy, you want to date this woman?
FREDDY: Mental stability is highly over rated. I know it's unusual, but I'm just
asking you to play along, and besides, if you don't like her you never have to
see her again.
GLEN: Very funny.
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Glen, Freddy, Lucy and Imaginary Mandy seated at table.
LUCY: That movie was great, I could see Harvey a million times. Well if you men
will excuse us, Mandy and I really need to use the powder room. Come on, Mandy.
Lucy and her Imaginary Friend exit to the bath room.
FREDDY: Boy Glen, that Mandy is quite a knockout...hahaha...
GLEN: I outta kill you.
FREDDY: Shhh...I don't think she's left the room yet.
GLEN: I'm glad you think this is funny because as far as I'm concerned it's
sick.
FREDDY: (barely able to stifle his laughter) I can't believe you sat on her --
TWICE!
GLEN: And having to fork out twenty dollars for a meal she hasn't even
touched...I'm leaving after dinner.
FREDDY: Come on, please, hang in for another hour...I have a romantic drive in
the country planned.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
Lucy and Freddy in back seat. Glen sits in front passenger seat next to empty
driver's seat, the car is not moving.
GLEN: Maybe you should let me drive Mandy.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
The car is parked in the country. Glen and Imaginary Mandy are in the back seat. Lucy
and Freddy in the front.
FREDDY: Look Lucy I'm really sorry, my hand slipped.
LUCY: And your tongue?
From the back seat we hear Glen moaning in ecstasy.
FREDDY: Will you shut up, Glen?
LUCY: At least he knows how to treat a woman.
GLEN: Oh yes...me too.. yes... Oh yes!
FREDDY: I said shut up!
LUCY: I'm getting out of here, I'll walk home. Coming, Mandy?
GLEN: (popping his head up from back seat) Yes...she is... She really is...
INT. HOUSE -- DAY
Glen and Freddy. In the room are framed blank pictures all over the walls.
GLEN: She's late.
FREDDY: How can you tell?
GLEN: I don't mean that...I mean...late. I think I got her pregnant.
FREDDY: You got an imaginary girl pregnant?
GLEN: I don't understand it, I used an imaginary condom.
FREDDY: This is truly getting weird. First you plaster her picture everywhere
and now this.
GLEN: I think I love her.
FREDDY: She's imaginary.
GLEN: Racist!
FREDDY: She doesn't exist.
GLEN: Oh sure...well we all have our faults buddy, and hers aren't going to stop
me from marrying her.
FREDDY: I can't wait to meet her folks.
INT. HOUSE -- NIGHT
A slightly drunk Glen arrives home.
GLEN: I'm home... Yeah... yeah... Alright! Sorry, so I had a few beers, so what?
Yeah... Shut up... Can't you ever close that god damned yap of yours... No... No
I did not...with who? Get outta here... Your imagining things... Don't start...
You're so transparent... Yes, that was a slight. Oh give me...LOOK IT'S BEEN A
LONG DAY...Oh sorry, I didn't know the kids were in the room...
He pats an imaginary child's head.
GLEN: We'll talk later.
EXT. GRAVE SIDE -- MORNING
GLEN: Oh honey, I can't believe that you're gone...that I'll never see you
again. I wish I had been nicer, told you that I loved you more often. Good-bye
my love, I will miss you...
Glen is pushed into empty grave.
GLEN: Huh? Mandy? You were standing behind me the whole time...you're not dead?
Stop laughing Mandy this isn't funny, it wasn't funny the first time...I can't
believe it...
A shovel full of dirt hits his face.
GLEN: You're killing me Mandy, do you hear me? Killing me...
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:Low
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
It was a boring day in Canadian politics. Gee, bet you've never heard those
words before, huh?
 Your Horoscope.
Aries: See above. Ha! Just kidding, see below.
Taurus: See
above.
Gemini: You will continue to view the walrus as a large marine
mammal (Odobenus rosmarus) of Arctic regions, related to the seals and
having two long tusks, tough wrinkled skin, and four flippers.
Cancer: Ditto for you on Sea Lions (see above).
Leo: Sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your time to be there
for someone else. Other times you have to sacrifice a virgin to your false God.
Virgo: Heaven help anyone who tries to challenge your skills, in
any department. You'll be downright furious and you won't make a secret of it.
You’re such a bitch! :)
Libra: You will find trouble in small packages.
Scorpio: You think the horoscope above in incredibly lame.
Sagittarius: You will read Scorpio’s horoscope and have mixed feelings.
Capricorn: You'll soon get a jolt of strength when lots of
masculine energy enters your life. That “masculine
energy” is, of course, steroids.
Aquarius: You will wake up with crust in your eyes. Boy, isn’t life rich
and special?
Pisces: You will actually slug someone for looking at you the wrong way.
Later you will shoot a man – just for snoring to loud!
This Week's Featured Album
Moscow Nights Popular Russian Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. Cold
War Comrade (Everyone Is Doing The...) Yuri and The Yusomokavs
2. Da Da Da The State Machine
3. Tonight We Eat Potatoes Boris & The Russian Bears
4. Marxism, Leninism, Stalinism – It’s All Good! The Automaton Comrades
Side Two
1. Cold Russian Nights & No Soles On My Boots Cold War Brides
2. Betrayed My Baby (To The Secret Police) Yakov
Smirnoff and Kicking God Boys
3. Do The Minsk (Recorded Live In Minsk) Dimitri & The Imperialist Dogs
4. Our Nuclear Superiority The Stalin Kids
5. No Disco in Moscow The Sputnik Band
Popular Russian
Bands are
riding high in the music world. If you are not dancing to them and smiling then
we shall send you to Siberia. You will be liking this album, comrade. If you
know what’s good for you. You understand, da? You will cower and dance to the
“fear wave” of great new Russian songs about The Great Motherland. Those who do
not dance will be exterminated. If you see someone who is not dancing, then
inform the Secret Police. If you do not inform the Secret Police then that makes
you a traitor to the Motherland as well. Now dance! That's an order!
Boris
Badenoff 1968
Cover Photo:
Comrade #126zx © 1968 Sputnik Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gory leprosy victim
pictures
avery is a slut
why you should vote
iron maiden morph
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milton berle large dick
tom cruise emission impossible
how to be an office rat
what animal does aunt betsy hate?
Only 42
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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