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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 10
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Looks like the Naïve Dreamers Party Leader Jack “Holier
Than Thou” Layton is gonna introduce a motion Nov. 24 calling for a February
election, avoiding a Christmas vote and thus allowing me to seriously booze it
up over the holidays.
Thanks Jack! Oh, and cheers!!
"This avoids
the holiday election that nobody wants," he said to me over a meal of Stuffed
Grinch Necks and freshly slaughtered reindeer in white wine sauce.
But when I asked Jack
if he was going to call for a non-confidence motion, he started dancing around
the table and talking about the importance of a good chardonnay.
When I
finally forced him back into his chair and slapped him around a bit, he
reluctantly admitted that, no, he would not call one but instead would push the
election call to early January and the actual vote to the middle of February.
“Well that’s
a whole lot of nothing,” I said as he scowled at me. “I mean really, it’s a
non-binding motion that the government can ignore. No offence, Jack, but it just
sounds like more of your blustering and posturing. What do you call it when you
do them together? Plosturing? Anyway, my point is it’s just more of your
plosturing to call an election a couple of weeks before the Prime Minister has
already promised to call an election. Oh, and another thing... Are you going to
eat that roll?”
"Stop
smirking and implying things with food, Avery,” he yelled at me as I dangled a
forkful of turkey at him, “I have every confidence that this is something that
can be done," he roared.
And hey, who am I to rain on his parade? He seemed so pleased. So content. He
even boasted that Harper and Duceppe approved of his little plan.
“Harper called it ‘innovative’ he beamed.
”And I know how much you crave his approval, Jack,” I replied, unable to resist.
“Screw you,
ant,” was his final word on the subject as he stormed out of the dining room,
raging and weeping.
...So let’s start
getting revved up and get this Anti-Party Machine going. Given the sorry
competition, not to mention my growing profile since our last election (which
was what, a month or two ago?), I really think I can win this puppy.
Ah, the deluded dreams of politicians...
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Your
ability to work in groups will come in handy at tonight’s orgy.
Taurus: You
will continue to view crocodiles as
various large aquatic reptiles.
Gemini:
See above.
Cancer:
Still
thinking about sunny beaches and cruise ships? Maybe you should stop. It is the
reason you go fired, after all.
Leo:
An old flame will set your house on fire. (I know we’ve said it before, but
today it really will happen!)
Virgo:
You'll have
one thing, and one thing only, on your mind this morning: (“insert” sex joke
here).
Libra:
Go with your gut. Lord knows it’s big enough.
Scorpio: Turn to your dog for unconditional love – and be really surprised
when it bites you!
Sagittarius: Something about peanut butter.
Capricorn:
Your
self-proclaimed “smart attitude” about money is more a case of you being a
notorious cheapskate.
Aquarius:
You've had it
with being nice. It might have been one too many tough days lately, or maybe
that phone call from someone who knows just how to irritate you. Regardless, you
need booze – and lots of it!
Pisces:
If
anyone is familiar with emotions in all their forms it's you. At the moment,
you're showing the full range whenever they cross your heart, and anyone who
tries to stop you had better be ready to be crushed like the goddamned bugs you
think they are.
This Week's Featured Album
Moscow Nights Popular Russian Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. Cold
War Comrade (Everyone Is Doing The...) Yuri and The Yusomokavs
2. Da Da Da The State Machine
3. Tonight We Eat Potatoes Boris & The Russian Bears
4. Marxism, Leninism, Stalinism – It’s All Good! The Automaton Comrades
Side Two
1. Cold Russian Nights & No Soles On My Boots Cold War Brides
2. Betrayed My Baby (To The Secret Police) Yakov
Smirnoff and Kicking God Boys
3. Do The Minsk (Recorded Live In Minsk) Dimitri & The Imperialist Dogs
4. Our Nuclear Superiority The Stalin Kids
5. No Disco in Moscow The Sputnik Band
Popular Russian
Bands are
riding high in the music world. If you are not dancing to them and smiling then
we shall send you to Siberia. You will be liking this album, comrade. If you
know what’s good for you. You understand, da? You will cower and dance to the
“fear wave” of great new Russian songs about The Great Motherland. Those who do
not dance will be exterminated. If you see someone who is not dancing, then
inform the Secret Police. If you do not inform the Secret Police then that makes
you a traitor to the Motherland as well. Now dance! That's an order!
Boris
Badenoff 1968
Cover Photo:
Comrade #126zx © 1968 Sputnik Records
A Place In My Heart
INT. CAR -- MORNING
Dan sits in parked car and continually honks his horn.
DAN: (yelling out car window)
Come on Terry, speed it up. I don't have all day...Hustle it up man...jump over
the fence, come on...run...run...That's a boy.
Enter Terry covered in twigs.
TERRY: Sorry about the delay Dan. I guess I'm not quite used to the old routine
yet.
DAN: No sweat, we got lots of time. So...
TERRY: So?
DAN: So welcome back you old dog!
(puts him in a headlock)
Noogie! You feeling better?
TERRY: Yes thanks Dan. And thanks for the flowers. That was nice of you.
Dan starts up the car.
DAN: No sweat, tax deductible... So...?
TERRY: Yes?
DAN: Jesus, it's like pulling teeth. So how did it feel to have a heart attack?
TERRY: Pretty terrifying.
DAN: I bet. One minute you're staring at a great pair of gams, the next -- Blamo!
Still, the nurses huh? Huh? But the important thing is you're okay and there's
no point in dwelling on it.
TERRY: I guess not.
DAN: So everything's ticking away like clockwork now?
TERRY: Well I have to be careful.
DAN: Right...No loud noises or sudden shocks. (he slams the horn)
Asshole!!! Some people...So, I hear Dobson was boffing your wife while you were
laid up.
TERRY: What???
DAN: Relax spud, I was kidding. Jesus, don't tell me they triple bypassed your
sense of humour too...
TERRY: That's not funny Dan.
DAN: You're right, I was way out of line? (pulls out pack of cigarettes)
Smoke?
TERRY: I had to quit.
DAN: You? Old three packs a day Terry? Mr. Chimney! Must be tough. Not this old
dog though (he lights up. Terry begins to unroll window) Hey keep the
window up, the air stinks. Anyway look Terry, I feel like shit about that crack
about Dobson and your wife. What do you say I take you out to lunch for a steak
and a few cold ones.
TERRY: Jesus Christ Dan, you know very well I can't do that.
DAN: Hey slow down, you'll pop an option.
TERRY: Alright, it's just, you don't know what it's like.
DAN: And that's another thing. I'm getting just a little tired of this sicker
than thou attitude of yours.
TERRY: Gee Dan, I'm sorry if I've been acting selfish.
DAN: That's okay. We're friends. Just be at ball practice at 6 on the nose and
we'll say no more about it.
TERRY: ...I can't play ball, Dan.
DAN: Oh fucking great. Is this what it's going to be like from now on Terry? Are
you going to wimp out of everything just because you had an itsy bitsy heart
attack?
TERRY: Look Dan, in case you don't understand let me spell it out for you...I
nearly died, I was on the operating table for over 7 hours while they stitched
and sewed my heart back together to give me another chance. And then there was
six weeks of therapy. Six weeks, Dan!
Pause.
DAN: Oh Boo hoo hoo. And who do you think had to do your paper work Terry? It
wasn't a doctor, Terry. It wasn't a therapist. It wasn't me, but the point is,
you think you've had it rough. Well you're not alone fella.
TERRY: I know that, but I came so close, so very close to death. It makes a man
think.
DAN: Break out the violins.
(slams car horn and yells at traffic) Move it! For God's sake...Agghhh!
TERRY: What is it?
DAN: Nothing...Aghhhhh...nothing at all...
TERRY: You don't look well Dan.
DAN: I'm fine. I just feel kind of...funny. Like indigestion, only worse...It'll
pass.
TERRY: Dan, pull over!
DAN: Don't be a wuss. I'm fine. Jesus, now you're an expert on health, huh? Well
listen here Smedgrick, my hearts as healthy as...Aggghhhh!
TERRY: Is your arm tingling?
DAN: A little...
TERRY: For God's sake Dan...
DAN: Jesus! Terry, I'm scared...help me.
TERRY: Sure Dan, I'll help you...I'll let Dobson know you're going to be laid up
if he wants to boff your wife!
DAN: What? Terry, this is serious, I think something's wrong.
TERRY: Well as long as you can make ball practice!
DAN: Please, Terry...Oh Terry...
TERRY: Maybe we should stop for a steak and a beer!!!
Dan who has begun to slump on the driver's wheel suddenly bursts out
laughing.
DAN: A steak and a beer... Hahahahahahaha, that's funny...I was just kidding,
Terry. Thought I'd let you see what it's like to drive around with Mr. Sickly. I
did a pretty good imitation to, huh? Looked just like you when I found you on
the bathroom floor...Now, no more nonsense about heart attacks, okay, we're late
for work.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gory leprosy victim
pictures
avery is a slut
why you should vote
iron maiden morph
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katie holmes groin kick
milton berle large dick
tom cruise emission impossible
how to be an office rat
what animal does aunt betsy hate?
Only 45
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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