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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 9
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Well, I’m not sure whether Jack
Layton really has the fortitude (among other things) to pull the trigger on the
election, but I’ll be keeping my buggy eyes on him. It’s not a pleasant sight,
but politics ain’t pretty... Although I really gotta say that that guy really
needs to lighten up...
And if an election must happen
at Xmas, well, yes it’s a sacrifice, but we’re doing it for the children. As
opposed to sacrificing the children, which is definitely not on my platform.
Unless of course the voting public would like to see it... In which case, off
with their little heads!
Lesbian
Cheerleaders: An Idea Whose Time Has Come – In Public Washrooms, That Is...
North
Carolina’s pro football team got rid of two cheerleaders who were arrested at a
bar where witnesses told police the women were having sex with each other in a
restroom stall.
Renee Thomas,
20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were fired
Monday for violating a signed code that bans lesbian cheerleaders, Carolina
Panthers spokesman Charlie Dayton said.
“Look, I
know, I know, it’s hot, and if the rest of America would go for it, I’d have
these two doing each other live at halftime, but, that’s just not gonna happen.
Fortunately, for me, I’ve got video tape of the whole bathroom girl on girl
throw down. It’s good stuff!” Dayton added.
“The NFL is willing to tolerate football players who throw wild parties, haze
rookies, take steroids or other drugs, beat and even murder their partners and
wives, but we draw the line at female homosexuality,” Dayton concluded before
skulking off with a handful of Kleenex to watch some “game tape.”
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Luck will definitely be with you – and all of it bad.
Taurus:
You've
had your share of unexpected encounters lately, but there's one more on the
agenda – yes, you’re finally going to get abducted by aliens! Prepare to be
probed.
Gemini:
You've been
having the feeling that a far-off place is calling your name and you're ready to
travel. Welcome to the suburbs!
Cancer:
When
working with others, listen for different ideas – someone is a genius... and
it’s definitely not you.
Leo:
Being
able to swallow your pride is key if you want a trusting relationship. Being
able to swallow a sword is key if you want to work in the circus.
Virgo:
See above.
Libra:
Focus on
relationships that provide you with a satisfying intellectual connection. I
guess that means you’ll be hanging out with your stuffed teddy bear all day,
huh?
Scorpio:
If
you're single then this is the type of astrological weather that's just perfect
for connecting with someone special. Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
Sagittarius:
Spark up a
conversation with a random stranger and likely get arrested.
Capricorn:
Make a list
of everything you've ever wanted to own, check off what's actually possible now,
and then start to weep at the results.
Aquarius:
See below.
Pisces: See above.
This Week's Featured Album
Moscow Nights Popular Russian Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. Cold
War Comrade (Everyone Is Doing The...) Yuri and The Yusomokavs
2. Da Da Da The State Machine
3. Tonight We Eat Potatoes Boris & The Russian Bears
4. Marxism, Leninism, Stalinism – It’s All Good! The Automaton Comrades
Side Two
1. Cold Russian Nights & No Soles On My Boots Cold War Brides
2. Betrayed My Baby (To The Secret Police) Yakov
Smirnoff and Kicking God Boys
3. Do The Minsk (Recorded Live In Minsk) Dimitri & The Imperialist Dogs
4. Our Nuclear Superiority The Stalin Kids
5. No Disco in Moscow The Sputnik Band
Popular Russian
Bands are
riding high in the music world. If you are not dancing to them and smiling then
we shall send you to Siberia. You will be liking this album, comrade. If you
know what’s good for you. You understand, da? You will cower and dance to the
“fear wave” of great new Russian songs about The Great Motherland. Those who do
not dance will be exterminated. If you see someone who is not dancing, then
inform the Secret Police. If you do not inform the Secret Police then that makes
you a traitor to the Motherland as well. Now dance! That's an order!
Boris
Badenoff 1968
Cover Photo:
Comrade #126zx © 1968 Sputnik Records
A Place In My Heart
INT. CAR -- MORNING
Dan sits in parked car and continually honks his horn.
DAN: (yelling out car window)
Come on Terry, speed it up. I don't have all day...Hustle it up man...jump over
the fence, come on...run...run...That's a boy.
Enter Terry covered in twigs.
TERRY: Sorry about the delay Dan. I guess I'm not quite used to the old routine
yet.
DAN: No sweat, we got lots of time. So...
TERRY: So?
DAN: So welcome back you old dog!
(puts him in a headlock)
Noogie! You feeling better?
TERRY: Yes thanks Dan. And thanks for the flowers. That was nice of you.
Dan starts up the car.
DAN: No sweat, tax deductible... So...?
TERRY: Yes?
DAN: Jesus, it's like pulling teeth. So how did it feel to have a heart attack?
TERRY: Pretty terrifying.
DAN: I bet. One minute you're staring at a great pair of gams, the next -- Blamo!
Still, the nurses huh? Huh? But the important thing is you're okay and there's
no point in dwelling on it.
TERRY: I guess not.
DAN: So everything's ticking away like clockwork now?
TERRY: Well I have to be careful.
DAN: Right...No loud noises or sudden shocks. (he slams the horn)
Asshole!!! Some people...So, I hear Dobson was boffing your wife while you were
laid up.
TERRY: What???
DAN: Relax spud, I was kidding. Jesus, don't tell me they triple bypassed your
sense of humour too...
TERRY: That's not funny Dan.
DAN: You're right, I was way out of line? (pulls out pack of cigarettes)
Smoke?
TERRY: I had to quit.
DAN: You? Old three packs a day Terry? Mr. Chimney! Must be tough. Not this old
dog though (he lights up. Terry begins to unroll window) Hey keep the
window up, the air stinks. Anyway look Terry, I feel like shit about that crack
about Dobson and your wife. What do you say I take you out to lunch for a steak
and a few cold ones.
TERRY: Jesus Christ Dan, you know very well I can't do that.
DAN: Hey slow down, you'll pop an option.
TERRY: Alright, it's just, you don't know what it's like.
DAN: And that's another thing. I'm getting just a little tired of this sicker
than thou attitude of yours.
TERRY: Gee Dan, I'm sorry if I've been acting selfish.
DAN: That's okay. We're friends. Just be at ball practice at 6 on the nose and
we'll say no more about it.
TERRY: ...I can't play ball, Dan.
DAN: Oh fucking great. Is this what it's going to be like from now on Terry? Are
you going to wimp out of everything just because you had an itsy bitsy heart
attack?
TERRY: Look Dan, in case you don't understand let me spell it out for you...I
nearly died, I was on the operating table for over 7 hours while they stitched
and sewed my heart back together to give me another chance. And then there was
six weeks of therapy. Six weeks, Dan!
Pause.
DAN: Oh Boo hoo hoo. And who do you think had to do your paper work Terry? It
wasn't a doctor, Terry. It wasn't a therapist. It wasn't me, but the point is,
you think you've had it rough. Well you're not alone fella.
TERRY: I know that, but I came so close, so very close to death. It makes a man
think.
DAN: Break out the violins.
(slams car horn and yells at traffic) Move it! For God's sake...Agghhh!
TERRY: What is it?
DAN: Nothing...Aghhhhh...nothing at all...
TERRY: You don't look well Dan.
DAN: I'm fine. I just feel kind of...funny. Like indigestion, only worse...It'll
pass.
TERRY: Dan, pull over!
DAN: Don't be a wuss. I'm fine. Jesus, now you're an expert on health, huh? Well
listen here Smedgrick, my hearts as healthy as...Aggghhhh!
TERRY: Is your arm tingling?
DAN: A little...
TERRY: For God's sake Dan...
DAN: Jesus! Terry, I'm scared...help me.
TERRY: Sure Dan, I'll help you...I'll let Dobson know you're going to be laid up
if he wants to boff your wife!
DAN: What? Terry, this is serious, I think something's wrong.
TERRY: Well as long as you can make ball practice!
DAN: Please, Terry...Oh Terry...
TERRY: Maybe we should stop for a steak and a beer!!!
Dan who has begun to slump on the driver's wheel suddenly bursts out
laughing.
DAN: A steak and a beer... Hahahahahahaha, that's funny...I was just kidding,
Terry. Thought I'd let you see what it's like to drive around with Mr. Sickly. I
did a pretty good imitation to, huh? Looked just like you when I found you on
the bathroom floor...Now, no more nonsense about heart attacks, okay, we're late
for work.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gory leprosy victim
pictures
avery is a slut
why you should vote
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how to be an office rat
what animal does aunt betsy hate?
Only 46
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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