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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 7
This Week's Featured Album
Moscow Nights Popular Russian Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. Cold
War Comrade (Everyone Is Doing The...) Yuri and The Yusomokavs
2. Da Da Da The State Machine
3. Tonight We Eat Potatoes Boris & The Russian Bears
4. Marxism, Leninism, Stalinism – It’s All Good! The Automaton Comrades
Side Two
1. Cold Russian Nights & No Soles On My Boots Cold War Brides
2. Betrayed My Baby (To The Secret Police) Yakov
Smirnoff and Kicking God Boys
3. Do The Minsk (Recorded Live In Minsk) Dimitri & The Imperialist Dogs
4. Our Nuclear Superiority The Stalin Kids
5. No Disco in Moscow The Sputnik Band
Popular Russian
Bands are
riding high in the music world. If you are not dancing to them and smiling then
we shall send you to Siberia. You will be liking this album, comrade. If you
know what’s good for you. You understand, da? You will cower and dance to the
“fear wave” of great new Russian songs about The Great Motherland. Those who do
not dance will be exterminated. If you see someone who is not dancing, then
inform the Secret Police. If you do not inform the Secret Police then that makes
you a traitor to the Motherland as well. Now dance! That's an order!
Boris
Badenoff 1968
Cover Photo:
Comrade #126zx © 1968 Sputnik Records
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Dreams really can come true. The catch is that you can't just sit there smiling,
wishing and thinking about what you'll do with all that money, love or
happiness. You've got to put some energy into the project. What’s that? Then
you’ll pass? Gee, big surprise.
Taurus:
Today you'll witness a battle between the arrogance of youth and the wisdom of
age – and boy, does arrogant youth beat the crap and snot out of old wisdom.
Gemini: See above.
Cancer: Explore the earthy aspect of living and enjoy the things
that make you feel good. Party at your house!
Leo: You will continue to view mullets as various stout-bodied,
edible fishes of the family Mugilidae.
Virgo: It's time to get out your photo albums, scrapbooks and
memorabilia, pore over it, and conclude that you’ve totally wasted your life.
Libra: Your love of chocolate knows no boundaries – and neither does your
expanding ass.
Scorpio: Your plans to incorporate cartoon violence in your daily life have
messy results.
Sagittarius: Mars, god of getting in your face, gets in your face.
Capricorn: Well, well, look who’s finally out of bed!
Aquarius: You still aren’t sure whether to spell colour with or without
the “u.”
Pisces: Your husband continues to remind you of a braying jackass.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Journal:
I’m doing
my own stunts on the set of Mission Impossible. Am I trying to subconsciously
endanger myself? Do I have a death wish? Yes! Christ, the fact is that death
seems to be a better alternative then having to spend another moment with that
cheating whore Katie and her money grubbing Catholic family. Oh great, now I’ve
upset myself so much that I can’t write another word... I feel a torment of
bitter tears welling up. Chocolate! I need chocolate!!!!!!
A Place In My Heart
INT. CAR -- MORNING
Dan sits in parked car and continually honks his horn.
DAN: (yelling out car window)
Come on Terry, speed it up. I don't have all day...Hustle it up man...jump over
the fence, come on...run...run...That's a boy.
Enter Terry covered in twigs.
TERRY: Sorry about the delay Dan. I guess I'm not quite used to the old routine
yet.
DAN: No sweat, we got lots of time. So...
TERRY: So?
DAN: So welcome back you old dog!
(puts him in a headlock)
Noogie! You feeling better?
TERRY: Yes thanks Dan. And thanks for the flowers. That was nice of you.
Dan starts up the car.
DAN: No sweat, tax deductible... So...?
TERRY: Yes?
DAN: Jesus, it's like pulling teeth. So how did it feel to have a heart attack?
TERRY: Pretty terrifying.
DAN: I bet. One minute you're staring at a great pair of gams, the next -- Blamo!
Still, the nurses huh? Huh? But the important thing is you're okay and there's
no point in dwelling on it.
TERRY: I guess not.
DAN: So everything's ticking away like clockwork now?
TERRY: Well I have to be careful.
DAN: Right...No loud noises or sudden shocks. (he slams the horn)
Asshole!!! Some people...So, I hear Dobson was boffing your wife while you were
laid up.
TERRY: What???
DAN: Relax spud, I was kidding. Jesus, don't tell me they triple bypassed your
sense of humour too...
TERRY: That's not funny Dan.
DAN: You're right, I was way out of line? (pulls out pack of cigarettes)
Smoke?
TERRY: I had to quit.
DAN: You? Old three packs a day Terry? Mr. Chimney! Must be tough. Not this old
dog though (he lights up. Terry begins to unroll window) Hey keep the
window up, the air stinks. Anyway look Terry, I feel like shit about that crack
about Dobson and your wife. What do you say I take you out to lunch for a steak
and a few cold ones.
TERRY: Jesus Christ Dan, you know very well I can't do that.
DAN: Hey slow down, you'll pop an option.
TERRY: Alright, it's just, you don't know what it's like.
DAN: And that's another thing. I'm getting just a little tired of this sicker
than thou attitude of yours.
TERRY: Gee Dan, I'm sorry if I've been acting selfish.
DAN: That's okay. We're friends. Just be at ball practice at 6 on the nose and
we'll say no more about it.
TERRY: ...I can't play ball, Dan.
DAN: Oh fucking great. Is this what it's going to be like from now on Terry? Are
you going to wimp out of everything just because you had an itsy bitsy heart
attack?
TERRY: Look Dan, in case you don't understand let me spell it out for you...I
nearly died, I was on the operating table for over 7 hours while they stitched
and sewed my heart back together to give me another chance. And then there was
six weeks of therapy. Six weeks, Dan!
Pause.
DAN: Oh Boo hoo hoo. And who do you think had to do your paper work Terry? It
wasn't a doctor, Terry. It wasn't a therapist. It wasn't me, but the point is,
you think you've had it rough. Well you're not alone fella.
TERRY: I know that, but I came so close, so very close to death. It makes a man
think.
DAN: Break out the violins.
(slams car horn and yells at traffic) Move it! For God's sake...Agghhh!
TERRY: What is it?
DAN: Nothing...Aghhhhh...nothing at all...
TERRY: You don't look well Dan.
DAN: I'm fine. I just feel kind of...funny. Like indigestion, only worse...It'll
pass.
TERRY: Dan, pull over!
DAN: Don't be a wuss. I'm fine. Jesus, now you're an expert on health, huh? Well
listen here Smedgrick, my hearts as healthy as...Aggghhhh!
TERRY: Is your arm tingling?
DAN: A little...
TERRY: For God's sake Dan...
DAN: Jesus! Terry, I'm scared...help me.
TERRY: Sure Dan, I'll help you...I'll let Dobson know you're going to be laid up
if he wants to boff your wife!
DAN: What? Terry, this is serious, I think something's wrong.
TERRY: Well as long as you can make ball practice!
DAN: Please, Terry...Oh Terry...
TERRY: Maybe we should stop for a steak and a beer!!!
Dan who has begun to slump on the driver's wheel suddenly bursts out
laughing.
DAN: A steak and a beer... Hahahahahahaha, that's funny...I was just kidding,
Terry. Thought I'd let you see what it's like to drive around with Mr. Sickly. I
did a pretty good imitation to, huh? Looked just like you when I found you on
the bathroom floor...Now, no more nonsense about heart attacks, okay, we're late
for work.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gory leprosy victim
pictures
avery is a slut
why you should vote
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tom cruise emission impossible
how to be an office rat
what animal does aunt betsy hate?
Only 48
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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