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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 4
A Place In My Heart
INT. CAR -- MORNING
Dan sits in parked car and continually honks his horn.
DAN: (yelling out car window)
Come on Terry, speed it up. I don't have all day...Hustle it up man...jump over
the fence, come on...run...run...That's a boy.
Enter Terry covered in twigs.
TERRY: Sorry about the delay Dan. I guess I'm not quite used to the old routine
yet.
DAN: No sweat, we got lots of time. So...
TERRY: So?
DAN: So welcome back you old dog!
(puts him in a headlock)
Noogie! You feeling better?
TERRY: Yes thanks Dan. And thanks for the flowers. That was nice of you.
Dan starts up the car.
DAN: No sweat, tax deductible... So...?
TERRY: Yes?
DAN: Jesus, it's like pulling teeth. So how did it feel to have a heart attack?
TERRY: Pretty terrifying.
DAN: I bet. One minute you're staring at a great pair of gams, the next -- Blamo!
Still, the nurses huh? Huh? But the important thing is you're okay and there's
no point in dwelling on it.
TERRY: I guess not.
DAN: So everything's ticking away like clockwork now?
TERRY: Well I have to be careful.
DAN: Right...No loud noises or sudden shocks. (he slams the horn)
Asshole!!! Some people...So, I hear Dobson was boffing your wife while you were
laid up.
TERRY: What???
DAN: Relax spud, I was kidding. Jesus, don't tell me they triple bypassed your
sense of humour too...
TERRY: That's not funny Dan.
DAN: You're right, I was way out of line? (pulls out pack of cigarettes)
Smoke?
TERRY: I had to quit.
DAN: You? Old three packs a day Terry? Mr. Chimney! Must be tough. Not this old
dog though (he lights up. Terry begins to unroll window) Hey keep the
window up, the air stinks. Anyway look Terry, I feel like shit about that crack
about Dobson and your wife. What do you say I take you out to lunch for a steak
and a few cold ones.
TERRY: Jesus Christ Dan, you know very well I can't do that.
DAN: Hey slow down, you'll pop an option.
TERRY: Alright, it's just, you don't know what it's like.
DAN: And that's another thing. I'm getting just a little tired of this sicker
than thou attitude of yours.
TERRY: Gee Dan, I'm sorry if I've been acting selfish.
DAN: That's okay. We're friends. Just be at ball practice at 6 on the nose and
we'll say no more about it.
TERRY: ...I can't play ball, Dan.
DAN: Oh fucking great. Is this what it's going to be like from now on Terry? Are
you going to wimp out of everything just because you had an itsy bitsy heart
attack?
TERRY: Look Dan, in case you don't understand let me spell it out for you...I
nearly died, I was on the operating table for over 7 hours while they stitched
and sewed my heart back together to give me another chance. And then there was
six weeks of therapy. Six weeks, Dan!
Pause.
DAN: Oh Boo hoo hoo. And who do you think had to do your paper work Terry? It
wasn't a doctor, Terry. It wasn't a therapist. It wasn't me, but the point is,
you think you've had it rough. Well you're not alone fella.
TERRY: I know that, but I came so close, so very close to death. It makes a man
think.
DAN: Break out the violins.
(slams car horn and yells at traffic) Move it! For God's sake...Agghhh!
TERRY: What is it?
DAN: Nothing...Aghhhhh...nothing at all...
TERRY: You don't look well Dan.
DAN: I'm fine. I just feel kind of...funny. Like indigestion, only worse...It'll
pass.
TERRY: Dan, pull over!
DAN: Don't be a wuss. I'm fine. Jesus, now you're an expert on health, huh? Well
listen here Smedgrick, my hearts as healthy as...Aggghhhh!
TERRY: Is your arm tingling?
DAN: A little...
TERRY: For God's sake Dan...
DAN: Jesus! Terry, I'm scared...help me.
TERRY: Sure Dan, I'll help you...I'll let Dobson know you're going to be laid up
if he wants to boff your wife!
DAN: What? Terry, this is serious, I think something's wrong.
TERRY: Well as long as you can make ball practice!
DAN: Please, Terry...Oh Terry...
TERRY: Maybe we should stop for a steak and a beer!!!
Dan who has begun to slump on the driver's wheel suddenly bursts out
laughing.
DAN: A steak and a beer... Hahahahahahaha, that's funny...I was just kidding,
Terry. Thought I'd let you see what it's like to drive around with Mr. Sickly. I
did a pretty good imitation to, huh? Looked just like you when I found you on
the bathroom floor...Now, no more nonsense about heart attacks, okay, we're late
for work.
This Week's Featured Album
The Best Of The Singing Postman
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. One of
these bleedin’ days I’ll kill all me fellow employees (the postman’s anthem)
2. Hey luv, how about inviting me in for a (wink, wink) cup ‘a tea?
3. The things I read when I read yer mail
4. Here’s yer Eviction Notice (don’t shoot the bloody messenger!)
Side Two
1. No “Male” for the fat slag
2. Rear Delivery
3. Call off yer bleedin’ dog
4. Is it any wonder I drink?
Cor and bleeding hell, is it any wonder he drinks? So call of yer bleedin’
dog and shut off that old transistor, ‘cos the
singing postman’s gonna sooth your football hooligan filled soul with classic
British folk. Yeah, we bloody know it’s not as dead sexy as all them bloody pop
groups that are taking the Yanks by storm, but get your eyes wrapped around his
frightful mug. Poor bugger doesn’t have chance, so best to stick to folk. Any
bloody way, that rock n’ roll is just a phase. Be gone by tomorrow, I tell you
wot.
Edna,
a fat slag 1969
Cover Photo: Edna
© 1969 Fat Slags Records
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
You will continue to view trollops as strumpets.
Taurus: You
will continue to view strumpets as trollops.
Gemini: Hey, you got trollops in my strumpets... Or is it strumpets in my
trollops? Either way it goes, it’s a great combination.
Cancer: You may not be in the most outgoing or talkative moods, but why the
hell should you be? You’re Caner, the crab, and everyone else is an idiot!
Leo: Contentment breeds complacency. Complacency creates lethargy.
Lethargy results in sitting around in front of the TV eating all the remaining
Halloween chocolates and scratching your groin area. Thus proving that wonderful
things can stem from contentment.
Virgo: See above. That is, if you can raise your lazy head.
Libra: This is not a day for fiddling with things you do not fully
understand. Well, that really cleared up your schedule, huh?
Scorpio: You can’t quite put your finger on the cause of your underlying
concerns so instead you’ll jam it up your nose.
Sagittarius: It can be much easier to be driven along by a strong wind
than to consciously catch a more subtle breeze... Okay, um, what we’re trying to
say here is... Uh, let’s see... Okay, we have no idea. So, how’s this instead?
Stay away from Spanish prostitutes...
Capricorn: A friend or family member is in desperate need of reassurance,
and stupid them, they’re looking to you for that. Blow their socks off!
Aquarius: You are gaining experience and getting fatter.
Pisces: You will (fill in the blank) with a (fill in the
blank) resulting in a most amazing (fill in the blank).
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Planner
So I
hear that Nicole is said to be “devastated” by the news that I’m breeding. She’s
devastated? I’m the one who has to spend Christmases with Katie’s catholic
family! I’m the one who’s been cuckolded! (That damn pizza delivery boy was by
again last night!!!) I’m the one who might have to sign a prenup! I’m the one
who can’t have my dancing buddies over any more!!!!!!!!! And she’s devastated???
Cry me a river. And anyway, she’ll always have a bigger penis than me... And
more Academy Awards. The bitch. Okay, so she found out that I was an expecting
dad from the television. But Christ, so did I!!!
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
adonis tattoo
sinister sex
frankenstein wedding tune
retro housewife
phallus statue
make it look like an accident
snorting actors stoned party
tom cruise flaming homosexual
popes snow
humping ants
Only 51
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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