"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 3
King of My Domain Name
People spend
a lot of time thinking up their children's names. It's just a pity they don't
always think as hard about their domain names:
Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and
famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com
And there is an Italian Power company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
This Week's Featured Album
The Best Of The Singing Postman
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. One of
these bleedin’ days I’ll kill all me fellow employees (the postman’s anthem)
2. Hey luv, how about inviting me in for a (wink, wink) cup ‘a tea?
3. The things I read when I read yer mail
4. Here’s yer Eviction Notice (don’t shoot the bloody messenger!)
Side Two
1. No “Male” for the fat slag
2. Rear Delivery
3. Call off yer bleedin’ dog
4. Is it any wonder I drink?
Cor and bleeding hell, is it any wonder he drinks? So call of yer bleedin’
dog and shut off that old transistor, ‘cos the
singing postman’s gonna sooth your football hooligan filled soul with classic
British folk. Yeah, we bloody know it’s not as dead sexy as all them bloody pop
groups that are taking the Yanks by storm, but get your eyes wrapped around his
frightful mug. Poor bugger doesn’t have chance, so best to stick to folk. Any
bloody way, that rock n’ roll is just a phase. Be gone by tomorrow, I tell you
wot.
Edna,
a fat slag 1969
Cover Photo: Edna
© 1969 Fat Slags Records
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Feel free to interfere in a situation that is none of your business, you were
born under the sign of the Ram and it’s in your nature to butt your head in
where it doesn’t belong. Have fun, you pushy so-and-so!
Taurus: Feel
free to interfere in a situation that is in no way shape or form affecting your
life. What the hell, it’s not like you’ve got anything better to do.
Gemini: Feel free to feel free because it feels so good – and freeing!
Cancer: Feel free to “see above.”
Leo: Feel free to perceive through the sense of touch and not be
imprisoned or enslaved; in other words – feel free to feel free.
Virgo: Feel free to stop reading this at anytime.
Libra: Feel free to be philosophical about feeling free. After all, are
any of us really “free?” And how can one “feel” freedom – that is, if it exists
in the first place.
Scorpio: Go to “Feel Free.” Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Taste the
irony.
Sagittarius: Feel free to listen to “Born Free” all day.
Capricorn: Free feel... That’s right – mix things up!
Aquarius: Feel free to cop a feel.
Pisces: Feel free to roll your eyes at this inanity.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom
Cruise's Baby Planner
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Planner
Oh
that hateful, spiteful, evil, trollop! A prenup? A PRENUP??? She wants me to
sign a prenup?!?!!? ...Of course this all Katie’s father’s fault. The slathering
troglodyte isn’t the rube I assumed him to be. Clearly deceit is a Holmes family
trait: First Katie gets knocked by someone else (I’m almost sure it was the
pizza delivery boy) and now her doddering dad, who is a lawyer, and representing
his little Rat Girl in “the negotiations,” as he so eloquently puts it, is
nailing the screws in. ...Crying hot bitter tears doesn’t seem to appease the
man. I swear, he’s made of stone. First I have to marry his skank of a daughter
and now the bastard is demanding that she receive a, get this, “lump sum payment
in the millions if the marriage should dissolve before the five-year mark.” I
don’t need a prenup. I need a hit man!
Dating Resume
INT. OFFICE -- DAY
Nancy and Jerry sit at a
conference table, she is reviewing a file.
NANCY: Well Jerry, your resume
looks very good. There is a typo on the second page however.
JERRY: Really?
NANCY: There's only one "s" in
intercourse.
JERRY: Oh, right. Sorry about
that.
NANCY: That's alright. We can
overlook it. Now I have a few questions.
JERRY: Of course...fire away.
NANCY: It says here that your
last relationship was three years long, but there is no indication of why you
left.
JERRY: Well, to be honest,I
felt that things with Julie -- my previous girlfriend -- had become static and
that I needed to take on new challenges...I don't like complacency, and wasn't
crazy about her mother, and I think that one must constantly be trying to
achieve more.
NANCY: I see...
JERRY: It's not that I'm
fickle...it just wasn't the right relationship for me.
NANCY: And it took you three
years to determine that?
JERRY: I tried to make things
work...I don't run away from problems.
NANCY: Okay, and what
experience did you gain?
JERRY: (points at resume)
Well, the intercourse was a big part of the job. I was also responsible for
emotional support and companionship. I cut back on my drinking, learned to cook
and am certainly more tender and caring than I was. I think that's a big plus
for any woman who takes me on.
NANCY: I see... Now before
your last relationship you had a series of brief encounters.
JERRY: Yes...Now I know that
may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a lot of different
opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for
someone full time Jerry. I want someone who can put in the long hours.
JERRY: Well once again I draw
your attention to the intercourse section on page 2.
NANCY: I don't know that this
is time for jokes, Jerry.
JERRY: I apologize. I'm
nervous.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for a
man with confidence. Now, quite frankly I am concerned about this homosexual
relationship in 83...
JERRY: I'm a bit of a risk
taker Nancy, but I feel that's one of my strong points. I decided to try that
option but after an isolated few dozen incidents I quickly discovered that it
wasn't for me.
NANCY: I don't know Jerry,
you're all over the map. It seems to me that you're just the sort of
relationship I'm trying to stay away from. Look at this, 3 months here, a
weekend there, 45 minutes in the bathroom at your office Christmas party. And
I've checked your references and I must say, there are some pretty bitter people
in your past.
JERRY: I think if you give me
a chance you'll see that I've matured.
NANCY: I'm sorry but I don't
think so Jerry. Thank you for coming in.
JERRY: Please, give me a
chance.
NANCY: Jerry. There's no
point. I've got 50 more men to see this afternoon and each one of them is more
qualified, able and, frankly, attractive. (swhe rises) Now good afternoon.
JERRY: Nancy please. I need
this relationship. I haven't had one in almost two years and I'm desperate.
NANCY: (sits) Pardon me?
JERRY: I'm desperate.
NANCY: You didn't mention that
on the resume.
JERRY: It's not a popular
quality.
NANCY: Well that depends...
JERRY: Please, I really need
this relationship and I'll do whatever it takes.
NANCY: Alright Jerry, I get
the idea. There's something about your pathetic groveling that makes me think I
can work with you and, what the hell... you've got the relationship. I just
want you to know that you will be expected to adore me...not an easy task, ha
ha. Plus I will want comfort, support and understanding. There will be
interaction with my family and I'll expect you to maintain an apartment until
such time as I deem you suitable to live with. Sex will be three times a week
and I want you to cut your hair and work on your sense of humour, any questions?
JERRY: Just about the
sex...missionary, or will I be required to...?
NANCY: Mild kink with a touch
of role play. Nothing violent but a tad dangerous. I don't climax easily so be
prepared to work. (shakes his hand) Congratulations.
JERRY: Thanks.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
adonis tattoo
sinister sex
frankenstein wedding tune
retro housewife
phallus statue
make it look like an accident
snorting actors stoned party
tom cruise flaming homosexual
popes snow
humping ants
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