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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 31
Romance
is a Capital Affair: Part the Two
According
to someone’s mother, all of us spend some time on the first date in silent
evaluation. Judging the way our date is dressed, to how many time they clean
their toenails with the dinner fork to the way he or she speaks to you with a
full mouth of food, we tally up the pros and cons when considering if this
person is bonkable or not.
Yet,
do you find yourself on the second or third date saying, "Gee, I never
thought they’d ask for a three way involving their stuffed teddy bear!” If
so, then you've been missing the subtle turn-offs and leaving them out of your
evaluation. These are the little irksome things people do on dates that you
might let slip by. If you’re
looking for trouble you want to keep dating someone who…
1. Has sex with the
waiter/waitress in the bathroom and then brags about it
This
is number one because it really takes all the mystery out of things right
away.
2. Won't let you
pay for anything
It’s
nice to be bought dinner. It’s unnerving when your date insists on paying
for your tampons and dandruff shampoo.
3. Sings at the
restaurant table
There’s a reason God invented showers.
4.
You run into some of your date's friends and they run away screaming
Self
explanatory.
5. Your date talks
about his/her imaginary friend all night long
You
may have chalked it up to nerves, and you may find your date fascinating.
Okay, fine. But isn't it impolite to not to be asked about your imaginary friend?
May 30
6
ways to keep him interested
When it comes to
making a lasting impression on a guy, a little strategizing and a lot of
conniving and manipulating goes a long way. If you want to be the girl he’s
completely obsessed with, make sure that you…
Tell
him you don’t need him
Mention
your plans to explore the sex lives of Italian and Greek men with your
all-girl hiking group, your adventures as a mud wrestler, your crazy binge
drinking escapades with the girls. He'll see that you're someone with a lot of
spunk and spirit, and he'll wonder what you're up to now. Plus, with charisma
like yours, he'll definitely want to join your club.
Call
the shots
Invite
him to do something outside-the-box with you. Rather than waiting for him to
ask you out on the proverbial dinner-and-a-movie date, suggest he come along
and wash your mother’s hair with you. A guaranteed turn on! And together
you'll begin building memories he won't soon forget.
Set
fire to his house
With
nowhere to live, he becomes very dependent on you
Raise
the temperature – in weird ways
Wear
sexy undies. Over top of your clothes. Your signature je-ne-sais-quois will
keep him — how you say — disoriented — until you meet again.
Feed
the Fire
Let
him know you think he's sexy. Brush lightly against his shoulder as you walk
by him, tell him you like those pants he's wearing, give him "the
look" as your parting glance. He'll be hopelessly incapable of dimming
that glorious glow he feels knowing a beautiful woman wants him.
Now you can destroy him!
Kiss
to impress
Become
infamous in his book for your unforgettable kiss. Garlic, onions, beer,
cigarettes, and sauerkraut make for a memorable kissing cocktail.
May 29
Enron and God’s Plan
After the jurors determined he was guilty as sin, in fact, so guilty that he
should spend the rest of his days in a real prison, Jeffrey Lay told the media
that all was going according to God’s plan… He said, and I quote, “We
believe that God in fact is in control and indeed he does work all things for
good for those who love the Lord.”
Some plans the Lord has in store for Jeff:
For 4 counts of bank fraud – a cell
mate who calls you sweetheart
For wire fraud, security fraud, false statements
and conspiracy – a comfy bug-filled
bed
with a filthy toilet a convenient 16 inches away from your head
For
lying to regulators, investors and employees – learning how a shank really
works
Yes folks, Jeff is but a couple of appeals and a few years away from doing
hard time and thus discovering that not only is life is a bitch – but so is he.
May 27
Text
of Bush, Blair news conference
Washington
— Text of comments by U.S. President George W. Bush
and British Prime Minister Tony Blair on Thursday, as transcribed by CQ
Transcriptions.
BUSH: Howdy everybody.
Let me start this shindig by giving a big “thank ye” to my pal Tony
Blair and his English accent for coming to
Washington
to class up the joint. He, he, he, thanks Tonster.
BLAIR: How
many bloody times do I have to tell you not to call me that?
BUSH: Sorry buddy.
BLAIR: Shut up! Right then…
As everyone knows, I was in
Iraq
earlier in this week…
(Mumbling from the press.)
BLAIR: Really? You didn’t hear
about it…? In
Baghdad
? I thought it was in all the
newspapers. Anyway, I came away
thinking that the challenge is still immense.
And with a sun burn. I
would also like to think — and this is something the president and I were
discussing earlier, that a really good sun block would protect one from
harmful UV rays. But maybe I’m just wrong. Anyway, any questions?
Q: Mr. President, Pentagon officials have talked about prospects for reducing
American forces in
Iraq
to about 100,000 by year's end. Does the formation of a unity government in
Iraq
put you on a sound footing to achieve that number?
And is it realistic to think that Iraqi forces will be
able to take control of all
Iraq
by the end of next year, as Mr. Maliki suggests?
BUSH: Tonster,
I’ll let you handle this one.
BLAIR: For God’s sake…
(Long, uneasy pause.)
Q: Um, okay. Moving on. This is a question for both the Prime Minister
and the President... One gets a clear sense of your mutual relief that a government has now been
formed, an elected government's been formed in
Iraq
. But nonetheless the current secretary general of the United Nations has said
that he believes that the invasion of
Iraq
was probably illegal. When you
look at your legacy and you look ahead to the reforms of the United Nations
you want to see, are you really saying that what you'd actually like to see is
a United Nations which could take pre-emptive action legally?
BLAIR: Yes.
Q: Mr. Bush?
BUSH: What he said.
Q: Mr. President. How close are you to an agreement on
a package of incentives for
Iran
? And what does
Iran
stand to gain if it were to give up its enrichment program? And why are you
ignoring these recent back-channel overtures from
Iran
?
BUSH: Oooh, that’s a lot of questions….
(Silence)
Q: Prime Minister, you've both talked a little about the U.N. I know that you
believe the U.N. needs vigorous leadership, and you're going to pick up on
these themes in your speech tomorrow. Is that a job application? (LAUGHTER)
Q: And if not ...
BUSH: Wait a minute! Why is everyone laughing?
Q: ... do you both have a sense — do you have someone
in mind? And, if not, how are you going to get the reform of the U.N. you want
to see?
BLAIR: No, no, and I'm not sure ... (LAUGHTER)
BUSH: Ha, ha, ha! Are
we at the laughing part now? That’s
my favourite bit of these things. That
means it’s over.
Q: We’re not done, Mr. President. You've both presented the Iraqi government
as a substantial vindication of the conflict. Do you also accept, as a matter
of harsh political reality, that the Iraqi conflict has also left both of you
politically weakened and — whether justly or unjustly — less able to give
the kind of moral leadership that you're discussing today?
BUSH: No question that the
Iraq
war has, you know, created a sense of consternation here in
America
. I mean, when you turn on your TV screens and see innocent people die day in
and day out, it affects the mentality of our country… Speaking of TV
screens. Did anyone see that American Idol. Another red state boy won the
whole shebang. Something else,
huh?
(Murmurs of confusion.)
Q: Mr. President, you spoke about missteps and mistakes
in
Iraq
. Could I ask you which missteps and mistakes of your own you most regret?
BUSH: I
did? Oh crap, that’s right. Hmm, saying, “bring it on;” kind of tough
talk, you know, that sent the wrong signal to people. I learned some lessons
about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner, you know.
Wanted, dead or alive; that kind of shit talk. I should have just said
“let’s kick his smelly ass!” That’s more succinct. And, you know, I
think the biggest mistake, apart from invading and lying to the American
people about the WOMD was Abu
Ghraib. I say this because, I really had very little to do with that
and so I can’t be held as culpable. I’m passing the buck here, but only
because it’s not my fault. Okay,
that said, it’s time for my meal and then my nap. Mr. Prime Minister, can I
buy you dinner?
BLAIR: Certainly.
BUSH: Appreciate it. Hope you don’t mind but we
won’t be serving any of that crap Limey “bangers and mash” food, you
like to sink your bad teeth into.
May 26
HEY
KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice
for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian
and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask
Frank!
Dear
Frankenstein’s Monster:
I'm
the father of a son, 13, and husband of a hard-working wife, so I sometimes
get stuck with the apron. I don't mind, okay, maybe I feel sorta gay, but what
are ya gonna do? Anyway, recently my tree-hugger of a son asked me what's for
dinner. I tell the snot face
pimple head, "a poached egg" on bread. Immediately, he goes into
fruity tree-hugger mode and threatened to call the police and every animal
rights group on the planet. I tried to explain to the goddamned moron that the
dictionary has several meanings for "poached," one of which is the
illegal killing of animals and the other is a style of cooking an egg. And I
try and do it without hitting him over the head with the goddamned frying pan.
Last year, my son was into video games; this year, he talks about running away
at 17 to the east coast, to keep fishing boats from docking. The idiot is out
of control and I can't get him to understand that "poached" is okay
with an egg, and not an animal.
Frankenstein’s
Monster Say:
Mragghhah
ha, ah, ha, ha, ha. You got
teenager in house. That worse than any kind of monster.
He terrorize you real good and make your life hell. It what teenagers
do. Accept it. You can try and hit him with frying pan or chase him with
torch, but teenage monster is strong. So don’t.
Instead, you relax. And, (Mraghh, get this) encourage him.
Me know, me know, it seem ridiculous but do it. Oh, and buy him
dictionary so he know what “poached” mean.
Also, stop calling him “tree hugger.”
Better he worry about tree than some girl he got pregnant.
Unless of course he having sex with tree… Than you got a whole new
set of polymorphously perverse problems. Ow!
Big "P" words hurt Frankenstein’s brain. Mraggghhhh!
May 25
How Dracula Got His Castle Back
Count
Vlad: Famous for his bloody parlour games
More
than 60 years after it was seized by vampire-hating communists, the Romanian
government is to hand back one of the country's most popular tourist sites,
the fabled Dracula Castle, to its former owner.
The castle, worth an estimated $25 million US, was confiscated by communists
in 1948 and fell into disrepair – because as everyone knows, communists
aren’t good with “fixer-uppers.” It
will be transferred on Friday to Count Vlad the Impaler Jr.
Vlad Jr. is a descendant of the notorious
Vlad dynasty which ruled
Romania
for a period starting in the late 17th century.
“I look forward to getting back my family home and continuing the
family traditions of impaling my enemies and peasants,” Vlad Jr. said,
“it’s been a long time since anyone's been beaten, anally impaled and
eventually thrown from the castle walls to their death… too long.”
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
liberal comedy
spirits in muslim folklore
accounts receivable jokes
arizona
hela monsters
belleview asylum
i want rock'n roll all night and party avery day
chips and pees
canada
military spending 2006
pope is the antichrist
horny cat
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 208 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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