"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 26
HEY
KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice
for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian
and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask
Frank!
Dear
Frankenstein’s Monster:
I'm
the father of a son, 13, and husband of a hard-working wife, so I sometimes
get stuck with the apron. I don't mind, okay, maybe I feel sorta gay, but what
are ya gonna do? Anyway, recently my tree-hugger of a son asked me what's for
dinner. I tell the snot face
pimple head, "a poached egg" on bread. Immediately, he goes into
fruity tree-hugger mode and threatened to call the police and every animal
rights group on the planet. I tried to explain to the goddamned moron that the
dictionary has several meanings for "poached," one of which is the
illegal killing of animals and the other is a style of cooking an egg. And I
try and do it without hitting him over the head with the goddamned frying pan.
Last year, my son was into video games; this year, he talks about running away
at 17 to the east coast, to keep fishing boats from docking. The idiot is out
of control and I can't get him to understand that "poached" is okay
with an egg, and not an animal.
Frankenstein’s
Monster Say:
Mragghhah
ha, ah, ha, ha, ha. You got
teenager in house. That worse than any kind of monster.
He terrorize you real good and make your life hell. It what teenagers
do. Accept it. You can try and hit him with frying pan or chase him with
torch, but teenage monster is strong. So don’t.
Instead, you relax. And, (Mraghh, get this) encourage him.
Me know, me know, it seem ridiculous but do it. Oh, and buy him
dictionary so he know what “poached” mean.
Also, stop calling him “tree hugger.”
Better he worry about tree than some girl he got pregnant.
Unless of course he having sex with tree… Than you got a whole new
set of polymorphously perverse problems. Ow!
Big "P" words hurt Frankenstein’s brain. Mraggghhhh!
May 25
How Dracula Got His Castle Back
Count
Vlad: Famous for his bloody parlour games
More
than 60 years after it was seized by vampire-hating communists, the Romanian
government is to hand back one of the country's most popular tourist sites,
the fabled Dracula Castle, to its former owner.
The castle, worth an estimated $25 million US, was confiscated by communists
in 1948 and fell into disrepair – because as everyone knows, communists
aren’t good with “fixer-uppers.” It
will be transferred on Friday to Count Vlad the Impaler Jr.
Vlad Jr. is a descendant of the notorious
Vlad dynasty which ruled
Romania
for a period starting in the late 17th century.
“I look forward to getting back my family home and continuing the
family traditions of impaling my enemies and peasants,” Vlad Jr. said,
“it’s been a long time since anyone's been beaten, anally impaled and
eventually thrown from the castle walls to their death… too long.”
May 24
Office
Slang
Whether you office from home or home from office or home out
your office or office out of your home or your home office or office home, for
some stupid reason people still expect you to be up to date on all the latest
and lamest buzz words and phrases. Whether vaguely annoying or totally
annoying, you'll probably hear some of these dynamic phrases from time to
time. This list will help you translate, and maybe even repurpose a few words
to grow your own business buzz vocabulary. Oh joy…
Drive:
No, it doesn't refer to your “lack of…” Drive
is a multipurpose buzz word, overused in such phrases as "I’ll drive my
fist into your head if you use that buzz word again.”
Incent:
A nonword that is often used by business nonpeople.
There’s really nonmore to add…
Delayering:
A newer, more PC term for downsizing, e.g. “I’m delayering your sorry ass,
now pack up and get the hell out.”
Narcissurfing:
Is googling yourself. Googling
yourself means to play with your genitals.
Now you know. Oh, and
don’t do it.
Deep dive: If someone asks you to deep dive (or drill
down), they're asking for what used to be known as a “Monica
Lewinsky Special.”
Bleeding edge: The "cutting edge" is so passé. Even better is
the bleeding
edge. At least for
today: Call it that tomorrow and
you’re showing your age.
Al desko: Slang term for an Italian who never leaves his desk.
Defrag:
Slang term for the office homosexual.
May 23
All Hail The Raccoon
The garbage munching vandals are back.
With their black masks and white ringed tails, these original lovers of
recycled fruit have shaken off the sleep of a long winter, bred like crazy,
and are ready to move into your attic and make your life a living hell.
Hey, it’s what they do and they’ve gotta live somewhere.
Here are a few fun facts about raccoons that you can contemplate while
you clean up the ripped up garbage bags they leave for you each morning.
1. The name "raccoon"
come from the Indian word "arakum" which means "he kicks over
your garbage cans while you sleep.”
2. Adult raccoons may be up to 3
feet long and weigh up to 30 pounds, and they are secretly planning on ways to
get into your house and rule you with an iron claw.
3. Their tails can grow to be
fifteen inches. And if they ever figure out that they can use them as weapons, well, that
will be a big problem for the rest of us.
4. Raccoons are flesh eaters and
the original “party animal.”
5. Raccoons are inquisitive and will sleep with your spouse should they get
the chance. It's nothing personal, it's just in their nature.
May 20
Dating Resume
INT.
OFFICE -- DAY
Nancy
and Jerry sit at a conference table, she is reviewing
a file.
NANCY
: Well Jerry, your resume looks very good.
There is a typo on the second page however.
JERRY:
Really?
NANCY
: There's only one "s" in intercourse.
JERRY:
Oh, right. Sorry about that.
NANCY
: That's alright. We can overlook
it. Now I have a few questions.
JERRY:
Of course...fire away.
NANCY
: It says here that your last relationship was three years long, but there is
no indication of why you left.
JERRY:
Well, to be honest, I felt that things with Julie -- my previous girlfriend --
had become static and that I needed to take on new challenges...I don't like
complacency, and wasn't crazy about her mother, and I think that one must
constantly be trying to achieve more.
NANCY
: I see...
JERRY:
It's not that I'm fickle...it just wasn't the right relationship for me.
NANCY
: And it took you three years to determine that?
JERRY:
I tried to make things work...I don't run away from problems.
NANCY
: Okay, and what experience did you gain?
JERRY:
(points at resume) Well, the intercourse was a big part of the job.
I was also responsible for emotional support and companionship.
I cut back on my drinking, learned to cook and am certainly more tender
and caring than I was.
I think that's a big plus for any woman who takes me on.
NANCY
: I see... Now before your last relationship you had a series of brief
encounters.
JERRY:
Yes...Now I know that may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a
lot of different opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
NANCY
: Well I'm looking for
someone full time Jerry. I want
someone who can put in the long hours.
JERRY:
Well once again I draw your attention to the intercourse section on page 2.
NANCY
: I don't know that this is
time for jokes, Jerry.
JERRY:
I apologize. I'm nervous.
NANCY
: Well I'm looking for a man with confidence.
Now, quite frankly I am concerned
about this homosexual relationship in 83...
JERRY:
I'm a bit of a risk taker Nancy, but I feel that's one of my strong points.
I decided to try that option but after an isolated few dozen incidents
I quickly discovered that it wasn't for me.
NANCY
: I don't know Jerry, you're all over the map.
It seems to me that you're just the sort of relationship I'm trying to
stay away from. Look at this, 3
months here, a weekend there, 45 minutes in the bathroom at your office
Christmas party. And I've checked
your references and I must say, there are some pretty bitter people in your
past.
JERRY:
I think if you give me a chance you'll see that I've matured.
NANCY
: I'm sorry but I don't think so Jerry. Thank
you for coming in.
JERRY:
Please, give me a chance.
NANCY
: Jerry. There's no point.
I've got 50 more men to see this afternoon and each one of them is more
qualified, able and, frankly, attractive. Now good afternoon.
JERRY:
Nancy
please. I need this relationship.
I haven't had one in almost two years and I'm desperate.
NANCY
: Pardon me?
JERRY:
I'm desperate.
NANCY
: You didn't mention that on the resume.
JERRY:
It's not a popular quality.
NANCY
: Well that depends...
JERRY:
Please, I really need this relationship and I'll do whatever it takes.
NANCY
: Alright Jerry, I get the idea. There's
something about your pathetic groveling that makes me think I can work with
you and, what the hell... you've got the relationship.
I just want you to know that you will be expected to adore me...not an
easy task, ha ha. Plus I will want
comfort, support and understanding. There
will be interaction with my family and I'll expect you to maintain an
apartment until such time as I deem you suitable to live with.
Sex will be three times a week and I want you to cut your hair and work
on your sense of humour, any questions?
JERRY:
Just about the sex...missionary, or will I be required to...?
NANCY
: Mild kink with a touch of role play. Nothing
violent but a tad dangerous. I
don't climax easily so be prepared to work. (shakes his hand) Congratulations.
JERRY:
Thanks.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
dead santa
lord avery
regular day of an army ant
john vigianni meat man
erica ehm snotty
stiffy the dead dog video
slag gams
hospital my hemorrhoids shaved
certificate for best mom
the first woman on earth was the african black mamma
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 213 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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