"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 19
Robertson The Prophet
In yet
another series of asinine and rather banal pronouncements, religious kook and friend of Howard
Dean, Pat Robertson says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America
's coastline this year.
The weirdo zealot said the revelations about this year's weather came to him during
his annual personal prayer retreat in January.
"If
I heard the Lord right about 2006, and please remember, I had a bad head cold
so I was pretty stuffed up; the coasts of
America
will be lashed by storms, or maybe that’s dashed by forms… Or crashed with
swarms… Or maybe it’s mashed with germs… My point is some bad Satanic
stuff is going down because I said
so. Well, okay, God did… But he said it to me. Not you. Which makes me
special," Robertson said.
The loathsome. right wing-nut radical extremist has come under intense criticism in recent months for suggesting
that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, that
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for
Israel
's pullout from the Gaza Strip and that George Bush’s last name was
responsible for today’s rampant lesbianism.
McCartneys blame media as they
part ways
Ah, so it’s the media’s fault. Glad
they cleared that up. Here I was getting ready to blame Yoko…
Seal: “Take off, eh, you stupid wankers!”
Paul: “Bloody Hell, it hates you more than the media does.”
Heather: “Stop stealing my limelight. Both of you!”
May 18
Unfortunate First
Names To Give Your Kids
Especially If Your Last Name is…
Ima
Hogg: Gee, thanks a lot daddy!
If it seems to you like it’s kids’ week here at The Avery Journal, well,
let’s go with that and carry on with the theme.
Here’s a combination of names that one should never give to their
children. The people who came up
with these concoctions fall into either two types of categories as parents –
cruel or ignorant.
1. Christopher Peacock: I knew a
kid named Christopher Peacock. I
guess his parents thought it was enchanting and lyrical to combine the two
names. Like something out of
Winnie The Poo. What they
didn’t factor into the equation is this:
a) kids are cruel and smart
b) the name “Christopher” will inevitably be shortened to “Chris”
c) "Chris"
+ "Peacock" ='s
“crispy cock”
and many years of taunting.
2.
Ima Hogg: According to a
bio: Ima
Hogg was a woman of legendary energy and purpose. What isn’t mentioned is that her daddy, Governor
James (Jim) Stephen Hogg insisted on giving her the name Ima; which, as far as
I’m concerned, makes him a supreme asshole and the ultimate Hogg.
3. Harry Kuntz:
According to my friend who grew up with Harry, the German Kuntz family
came to North America in 1946 (cough) and, proud Visigoths that they were,
refused to change their last name and then when out on to saddle their first
born with a cruel legacy that still gives poor Harry nightmares.
4. Lijun Ho: Lijun is pronounced, lyin’,
Ho is the traditional short form for whore, ho:
Lijun Ho.
5. John Thomas: One of the oldest
slang terms for a penis aka a dick. One of the more famous and bigger
dicks is NBA star, “John Thomas.” His
parents had to know what this meant.
If they didn’t then this qualifies them as real “John Thomas
heads.” If they did, same deal.
May 17
Quick Answers
Here
are some quick answers to questions that kids ask.
Q: Is there a heaven?
A: Yes, but it’s out of your price range.
Q: Where does Barney the dinosaur live?
A: In a better house than you do!
Q: Who invented money?
A: The brother of the guy who invented credit.
Q: Why is there water?
A: To mix with scotch.
Q: How does the phone work?
A: You plug it into the wall.
Q: Who turns on the streetlights?
A: Sexy oil lamps.
Q: Why does it rain?
A: Because when it does, it pours.
May 16
Ask. Dr. Science
Hey
kids, do you have science questions that you want explained? Then send them to
“Ask Dr. Science” and he’ll be sure to answer them for you! It’ll be a
keen and super fun learning experience!
Question:
Why does my dog howl whenever she hears a siren?
Hester
(Age 6)
Answer:
Wha? You stupid, ignorant, kid. I’m a
scientist not a freaking veterinarian.
You kids out there make me sick! If you don’t have any relevant
questions to ask – then don’t bother wasting my time. Smarten up – all
of ya! Jesus Christ...
Dr. Science (Age
53)
May
15
Avery's
Original Thoughts
In
cold weather a nipple will stick out. But in warm weather it won’t stick in.
That’s one of my many original thoughts that I’d like to share with you on
my new CD: Avery’s Original Thoughts. Listen to this gem: Mom spelt
backwards is mom, dad spelt backwards is dad but Avery spelt backwards is
yreva. Pretty deep, huh? Buy my
CD and you can discover what I think about why rain makes you wet and hail
hurts your head. You won’t know what’s so funny about French Ticklers and
what syntax and income tax have in common until you order. So do it now.
May 12
My Mom
Is The Best Mom In The Whole World
INT. CLASSROOM
-- DAY
DOCTOR
PRESCOTT, with a pointer stick going over mathematical equations and chalk
diagrams of the human head on the blackboard. Doctors GRELDER and SPENDLER
observing.
PRESCOTT
: And so we see gentlemen, that the cerebral cortex is in fact slightly
elongated, causing the symptomatic behaviour that I described earlier, and
thus leading me to conclude that my mom is the best mom in the whole world.
Prescott
points his stick triumphantly revealing his MOTHER, standing in the room's
corner. She is wearing an apron,
smiling and holding a roast.
PRESCOTT
(CONT'D): Questions? Yes, Dr.
Grelder.
GRELDER:
Doctor Prescott, I am a bit confused by the exact significance of the
abundance of adrenal fluid in your mother's left hemisphere.
PRESCOTT
: Well put quite simply, it gives mom lots of pep.
Makes her real friendly and energetic.
It also stabilizes her super ego.
GRELDER:
Fascinating, but in Dr. Lionel Carveth's revolutionary essay, "My
Excellent Mommy" he categorically states that it was his mother's
hyperactive affection disorder which allowed her to become the premiere care
giver we all know her to be. And
yet, I see no evidence of this in your mother's physiology.
PRESCOTT
: Carveth's work cannot be overlooked and while his theories were
revolutionary, in practice they were severely flawed.
That is to say his mom wasn't so great.
In fact, Carveth's early potty journals clearly depict his mother as a
castrating egocentric who sometimes didn't make his sandwiches with love.
The result of an unbalanced, hyperactive, affection disorder.
She was a good mom, but the best mom?
I think not.
Dr.
Spendler rises from his chair.
SPENDLER:
Doctor Prescott, I'm concerned about the growing scientific trend in great
moms to overlook the real nice dad phenomenon.
PRESCOTT
: Doctor Spendler, it is my scientific opinion that the theory of the real
nice dad is a myth.
SPENDLER:
How can you say that? Why, surely
your father...
PRESCOTT
: My father was a passive aggressive, alcoholic, Spendler, and you're not
allowed to mention his name.
SPENDLER:
But surely you must agree that without the real nice dad, the great mom is
incomplete?
Dr.
Prescott puts his hands over his ears.
PRESCOTT:
I can't hear you...Na na na na...
GRELDER:
Stop clouding the issue, Prescott. I
see no empirical evidence that your mother is so great.
PRESCOTT
: Gentlemen please, you've tasted the cookies.
GRELDER:
Perhaps if I were to dissect her, we could find some medical proof.
PRESCOTT
: No one is going to dissect my mom...is that clear?
GRELDER:
Do you have something to hide,
Prescott
?
PRESCOTT
: The first guy who goes near my mom with a scalpel gets a punch in the
nose...My mom is the best.
SPENDLER:
Interesting imagery...your mother, and a scalpel.
PRESCOTT
: Don't be such a Freudian goof, Dr. Spendler.
SPENDLER:
Your mom's not so great
Prescott
.
PRESCOTT
: How about your mom? You think
she's so fantastic just because she almost died giving birth to you.
Well I've read your papers on her and I can only conclude that she was
an obsessive compulsive, and a slut...
SPENDLER:
Apologize! Apologize now or you
get a punch in the stomach!
GRELDER:
Dr. Spendler, Dr. Prescott, please...while this type of professional debate is
healthy, we are getting away from the issue at hand...great moms.
Now perhaps if we were to examine my mother.
SPENDLER:
Oh wake up Grelder...you're adopted.
GRELDER:
I am not!!!
SPENDLER:
Your real mother hated you...
Doctor
Grelder pushes Spendler in the chest.
GRELDER:
Take that back...it's a lie!
Doctor
Grelder and Spendler begin pushing each other.
PRESCOTT
: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Control
yourselves. You are men of
science, of logic and reason. What
do you think your mothers would say if they could see you now...Doctor
Spendler, what would your mother say?
GRELDER:
Fighting is bad?
PRESCOTT
: I asked Dr. Spendler.
SPENDLER:
Well...uh...she'd...
Spendler
suddenly punches
Prescott
in the stomach.
SPENDLER
(CONT'D): No one calls my mom an obsessive compulsive, or a slut!!
PRESCOTT
: Except your dad!
GRELDER:
I am not adopted!!!
All
three fall on each other and continue to punch away.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
retro
housewife
why does the reaper have a sickle
coined
the phrase castration complex
banks suck
blood muffins
how to be a king like prince charles
ant god
the pizza ranking of the world
wing sex
god and freud
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 220 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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