"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May
15
Avery's
Original Thoughts
In
cold weather a nipple will stick out. But in warm weather it won’t stick in.
That’s one of my many original thoughts that I’d like to share with you on
my new CD: Avery’s Original Thoughts. Listen to this gem: Mom spelt
backwards is mom, dad spelt backwards is dad but Avery spelt backwards is
yreva. Pretty deep, huh? Buy my
CD and you can discover what I think about why rain makes you wet and hail
hurts your head. You won’t know what’s so funny about French Ticklers and
what syntax and income tax have in common until you order. So do it now.
May 12
My Mom
Is The Best Mom In The Whole World
INT. CLASSROOM
-- DAY
DOCTOR
PRESCOTT, with a pointer stick going over mathematical equations and chalk
diagrams of the human head on the blackboard. Doctors GRELDER and SPENDLER
observing.
PRESCOTT
: And so we see gentlemen, that the cerebral cortex is in fact slightly
elongated, causing the symptomatic behaviour that I described earlier, and
thus leading me to conclude that my mom is the best mom in the whole world.
Prescott
points his stick triumphantly revealing his MOTHER, standing in the room's
corner. She is wearing an apron,
smiling and holding a roast.
PRESCOTT
(CONT'D): Questions? Yes, Dr.
Grelder.
GRELDER:
Doctor Prescott, I am a bit confused by the exact significance of the
abundance of adrenal fluid in your mother's left hemisphere.
PRESCOTT
: Well put quite simply, it gives mom lots of pep.
Makes her real friendly and energetic.
It also stabilizes her super ego.
GRELDER:
Fascinating, but in Dr. Lionel Carveth's revolutionary essay, "My
Excellent Mommy" he categorically states that it was his mother's
hyperactive affection disorder which allowed her to become the premiere care
giver we all know her to be. And
yet, I see no evidence of this in your mother's physiology.
PRESCOTT
: Carveth's work cannot be overlooked and while his theories were
revolutionary, in practice they were severely flawed.
That is to say his mom wasn't so great.
In fact, Carveth's early potty journals clearly depict his mother as a
castrating egocentric who sometimes didn't make his sandwiches with love.
The result of an unbalanced, hyperactive, affection disorder.
She was a good mom, but the best mom?
I think not.
Dr.
Spendler rises from his chair.
SPENDLER:
Doctor Prescott, I'm concerned about the growing scientific trend in great
moms to overlook the real nice dad phenomenon.
PRESCOTT
: Doctor Spendler, it is my scientific opinion that the theory of the real
nice dad is a myth.
SPENDLER:
How can you say that? Why, surely
your father...
PRESCOTT
: My father was a passive aggressive, alcoholic, Spendler, and you're not
allowed to mention his name.
SPENDLER:
But surely you must agree that without the real nice dad, the great mom is
incomplete?
Dr.
Prescott puts his hands over his ears.
PRESCOTT:
I can't hear you...Na na na na...
GRELDER:
Stop clouding the issue, Prescott. I
see no empirical evidence that your mother is so great.
PRESCOTT
: Gentlemen please, you've tasted the cookies.
GRELDER:
Perhaps if I were to dissect her, we could find some medical proof.
PRESCOTT
: No one is going to dissect my mom...is that clear?
GRELDER:
Do you have something to hide,
Prescott
?
PRESCOTT
: The first guy who goes near my mom with a scalpel gets a punch in the
nose...My mom is the best.
SPENDLER:
Interesting imagery...your mother, and a scalpel.
PRESCOTT
: Don't be such a Freudian goof, Dr. Spendler.
SPENDLER:
Your mom's not so great
Prescott
.
PRESCOTT
: How about your mom? You think
she's so fantastic just because she almost died giving birth to you.
Well I've read your papers on her and I can only conclude that she was
an obsessive compulsive, and a slut...
SPENDLER:
Apologize! Apologize now or you
get a punch in the stomach!
GRELDER:
Dr. Spendler, Dr. Prescott, please...while this type of professional debate is
healthy, we are getting away from the issue at hand...great moms.
Now perhaps if we were to examine my mother.
SPENDLER:
Oh wake up Grelder...you're adopted.
GRELDER:
I am not!!!
SPENDLER:
Your real mother hated you...
Doctor
Grelder pushes Spendler in the chest.
GRELDER:
Take that back...it's a lie!
Doctor
Grelder and Spendler begin pushing each other.
PRESCOTT
: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Control
yourselves. You are men of
science, of logic and reason. What
do you think your mothers would say if they could see you now...Doctor
Spendler, what would your mother say?
GRELDER:
Fighting is bad?
PRESCOTT
: I asked Dr. Spendler.
SPENDLER:
Well...uh...she'd...
Spendler
suddenly punches
Prescott
in the stomach.
SPENDLER
(CONT'D): No one calls my mom an obsessive compulsive, or a slut!!
PRESCOTT
: Except your dad!
GRELDER:
I am not adopted!!!
All
three fall on each other and continue to punch away.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
retro
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coined
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Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 223 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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