"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 12
My Mom
Is The Best Mom In The Whole World
INT. CLASSROOM
-- DAY
DOCTOR
PRESCOTT, with a pointer stick going over mathematical equations and chalk
diagrams of the human head on the blackboard. Doctors GRELDER and SPENDLER
observing.
PRESCOTT
: And so we see gentlemen, that the cerebral cortex is in fact slightly
elongated, causing the symptomatic behaviour that I described earlier, and
thus leading me to conclude that my mom is the best mom in the whole world.
Prescott
points his stick triumphantly revealing his MOTHER, standing in the room's
corner. She is wearing an apron,
smiling and holding a roast.
PRESCOTT
(CONT'D): Questions? Yes, Dr.
Grelder.
GRELDER:
Doctor Prescott, I am a bit confused by the exact significance of the
abundance of adrenal fluid in your mother's left hemisphere.
PRESCOTT
: Well put quite simply, it gives mom lots of pep.
Makes her real friendly and energetic.
It also stabilizes her super ego.
GRELDER:
Fascinating, but in Dr. Lionel Carveth's revolutionary essay, "My
Excellent Mommy" he categorically states that it was his mother's
hyperactive affection disorder which allowed her to become the premiere care
giver we all know her to be. And
yet, I see no evidence of this in your mother's physiology.
PRESCOTT
: Carveth's work cannot be overlooked and while his theories were
revolutionary, in practice they were severely flawed.
That is to say his mom wasn't so great.
In fact, Carveth's early potty journals clearly depict his mother as a
castrating egocentric who sometimes didn't make his sandwiches with love.
The result of an unbalanced, hyperactive, affection disorder.
She was a good mom, but the best mom?
I think not.
Dr.
Spendler rises from his chair.
SPENDLER:
Doctor Prescott, I'm concerned about the growing scientific trend in great
moms to overlook the real nice dad phenomenon.
PRESCOTT
: Doctor Spendler, it is my scientific opinion that the theory of the real
nice dad is a myth.
SPENDLER:
How can you say that? Why, surely
your father...
PRESCOTT
: My father was a passive aggressive, alcoholic, Spendler, and you're not
allowed to mention his name.
SPENDLER:
But surely you must agree that without the real nice dad, the great mom is
incomplete?
Dr.
Prescott puts his hands over his ears.
PRESCOTT:
I can't hear you...Na na na na...
GRELDER:
Stop clouding the issue, Prescott. I
see no empirical evidence that your mother is so great.
PRESCOTT
: Gentlemen please, you've tasted the cookies.
GRELDER:
Perhaps if I were to dissect her, we could find some medical proof.
PRESCOTT
: No one is going to dissect my mom...is that clear?
GRELDER:
Do you have something to hide,
Prescott
?
PRESCOTT
: The first guy who goes near my mom with a scalpel gets a punch in the
nose...My mom is the best.
SPENDLER:
Interesting imagery...your mother, and a scalpel.
PRESCOTT
: Don't be such a Freudian goof, Dr. Spendler.
SPENDLER:
Your mom's not so great
Prescott
.
PRESCOTT
: How about your mom? You think
she's so fantastic just because she almost died giving birth to you.
Well I've read your papers on her and I can only conclude that she was
an obsessive compulsive, and a slut...
SPENDLER:
Apologize! Apologize now or you
get a punch in the stomach!
GRELDER:
Dr. Spendler, Dr. Prescott, please...while this type of professional debate is
healthy, we are getting away from the issue at hand...great moms.
Now perhaps if we were to examine my mother.
SPENDLER:
Oh wake up Grelder...you're adopted.
GRELDER:
I am not!!!
SPENDLER:
Your real mother hated you...
Doctor
Grelder pushes Spendler in the chest.
GRELDER:
Take that back...it's a lie!
Doctor
Grelder and Spendler begin pushing each other.
PRESCOTT
: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Control
yourselves. You are men of
science, of logic and reason. What
do you think your mothers would say if they could see you now...Doctor
Spendler, what would your mother say?
GRELDER:
Fighting is bad?
PRESCOTT
: I asked Dr. Spendler.
SPENDLER:
Well...uh...she'd...
Spendler
suddenly punches
Prescott
in the stomach.
SPENDLER
(CONT'D): No one calls my mom an obsessive compulsive, or a slut!!
PRESCOTT
: Except your dad!
GRELDER:
I am not adopted!!!
All
three fall on each other and continue to punch away.
May 11
Welfare
Mothers Make Better Letter Writers
The
following are taken from actual letters received by Welfare Departments in
applications for support
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6
children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of
paper.
- I am writing the welfare department to say that
my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years
and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can
you tell me why?
- I am glad to report that my husband who is
missing is dead.
- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do
about it.
- Please find for certain if my husband is dead.
The man I am now living with can’t do anything until he knows.
- I am very much annoyed to find out that you have
branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week
before he was born.
- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a
son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3
children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
- My husband got his project cut off about two
weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.
- Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I
will be forced to lead an immortal life.
- You have my changed little boy to a girl, will
this make any difference?
- I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck
driver and works night and day.
- I want money as quick as I can get it. I have
been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good.
If things don’t improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
- In accordance with your instructions, I have
given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Thanks to Doug
for his always funny humour blog.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
meaning of avery
visayan warty pig
godzilla in japan
ant b gone
king on a throne picture
what does avery mean in latin
ant girl
Canada
edie sedgwick barefoot
big breasted plumbers
pellet-dropping rabbit
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 227 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
